A LOT HAPPENED IN 72 HOURS

Although some think that I have the personality of a robot, my work-related absence over the past three days should finally prove that an actual human being is in charge of what you read on this site and not a cyborg who regularly posts hastily-penned one-liners about easy targets like the Pittsburgh Pirates. That being said, the timing of my vanishing act could not have been worse. Consider what's gone down in approximately 72 hours since my last enlightening post about (imagine this) Pirate players being upset about the recent mass turnover of their roster:

--The defending Super Bowl Champions started training camp in our backyard, and 2008 NFL Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison reported driving this vehicle. That was probably a post in itself had I seen it upon original release.

Also, read closely in this Trib article about what rookie WR Mike Wallace brought to camp:

Wallace, on the other hand, brought numerous forms of entertainment to his first camp. He brought a 42-inch, flat-screen television, a small movie collection -- including "The Hangover," "Pineapple Express" and "The Dark Knight" -- PlayStation 3 and an iPod.

As emailer John G. points out, would that be a DVD of the same "The Hangover" that's currently in theaters right now? Yeah, probably not a wise idea to mention that to a newspaper reporter.

--THE Raul Mondesi running for Mayor opposite THE Jose Rijo in the Dominican Republic. This is clearly the biggest Mondesi-related story since the famous electricity-stealing scandal of 2006.

--Tom Gorzelanny and John Grabow were dealt to the Chicago Cubs, as the Pirates' front office remembered that they are contractually obligated to help the Cubs in a stretch run whenever possible. It was a sad day for me only from the standpoint that I'll have one glaring hole in this year's much-delayed "Pittsburgh Pirates: the Movie IV" post. Gorzo and Sloth from The Goonies...that was just inspired casting.

--It took Boston GM Theo Epstein all of six games to realize what it took the Pirates two-plus years to figure out: his team is better off trading Adam LaRoche. Yes, Hans Klopek was flipped back to his original haunting grounds of Atlanta for Casey Kotchman in a dramatic swap of medicocrity. LaRoche joins an Atlanta nucleus that includes Nate McLouth, Mike Gonzalez, and David Ross, which means the Braves should go 68-94 in 2010.

--Andrew McCutchen hit three home runs and drove in six on Saturday night against the Washington Nationals. Amazingly, was still on the roster and not traded to the Red Sox on Sunday morning.

--The Pirates were beaten by the Washington Nationals on Sunday, and the win went to Sean Burnett, the same Sean Burnett that built a shrine to Nate McLouth after his trade and called the Pirates "the laughingstock of baseball" recently. By the way, the team Burnett now plays for is 33-72. Certainly not laughingstock material by any measure.

Now that we're up to speed on three-day-old news, it's time to look forward to the week ahead. We've got one more Pirates-Nationals game to endure, a three-pack with the D-Backs, and most importantly, lots more football to talk about. Limas Sweed was the star of Sunday's practice? Oh yeah, that's just a sneak preview of what's going to be a great week of talk.

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LaROCHE LaREMEMBERED

With today's departure of Adam LaRoche to the soon-to-be-disappointed Boston Red Sox, the Pirates saved themselves about $2.95 million in salary for the rest of the season. As the saying goes, they can finish in last without him, and they probably will.

The salary savings alone would be reason enough to dump LaRoche in exchange for a bag of sunflower seeds, but Nealer the Dealer actually got a few prospects back in return. They're not to be confused with Kyle Drabek or Matt Wieters anytime soon, but they're warm bodies, which fits Huntington's plan of acquiring said warm bodies in Sam's Club-like quantities.

After declaring the trade a success and spending the better part of today holding my own celebration of the deal, I decided to compliment that with a look back at the LaRoche Era as covered on Mondesi's House, from beginning to end. It was quite a ride. For me, he was a gold mine of content, so as a blogger, I'll miss him. But as a Pirate fan, I will not. Cue the dramatic music, and note all the references to batting averages over the years.

March, 2007: "79 Reasons Why It's Hard to be a Pirate Fan"

"10. The arrival of Adam LaRoche. LaRoche was celebrated as if the Pirates traded for a combination of Albert Pujols, Babe Ruth, and Roberto Clemente times 100. Anything less than 82 home runs and 195 RBI this year would be considered a disappointing season."

April, 2007: First comparison of LaRoche to Hans Klopek:

"Adam LaRoche, in the words of Joe Namath, is struggggling. 0-for-8, 5 strikeouts, 5 runners left on. Of course, being a blogger, my job is to criticize Dave Littlefield if he were unable to trade for LaRoche, then criticize him after two games if the guy is off to a poor start. So direct your anger at the GM.

Even worse, I figured out who LaRoche looks like...the Klopek kid from one of my favorite movies of all time, The Burbs."

June, 2007: Our first brush with "Buck Commander"

"When Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post's D.C. Sports Bog emailed me with this, I couldn't believe it was true. The unintentional comedy scale could possibly go off the charts once this project comes to fruition. Let's go over the ingredients of what he is reporting:

1. Adam LaRoche, .216-hitting first baseman of the Pittsburgh Pirates

2. Willie Robertson, the current leader of the famed Duck Commander clan and dead ringer for former WWF rassler Hillbilly Jim

3. A video featuring Adam LaRoche and Willie Robertson."

June, 2008: The LaRoche YouTube video hits

"Pirates first baseman Adam LaRoche is currently hitting .221 with six homers. On this date last year, he was hitting .211 with seven homers. In Atlanta in 2006, those numbers were .247 and 10, and in 2005, .249 and seven.

So the Pirates acquired this traditional late-bloomer before the 2007 campaign, and his early-season numbers since joining the Buccos have tailed off even below their previous depths. Although some would question the acquisition of such a player by a team that usually holds an annual fire sale in July, we've all learned to never question the wisdom of Dave Littlefield.

With that in mind, a Pirate fan created this incredible YouTube montage of The LaRoche Era, set to LaRoche's own at-bat theme song, "Karate Kid's" You're the Best. For any Pirate follower, it's a must-see."

August, 2008: An updated post on LaRoche's fascination with hunting:

"If he were traded tomorrow, my memories of the Adam LaRoche Era in Pittsburgh would include perennial half-seasons of teetering on the Mendoza Line, at least 100 Hans Klopek references too many on my part, and LaRoche's obsession with hunting."

January, 2009: LaRoche signs for the upcoming season

"Adam LaRoche just re-signed for one year, $7.05 million, a raise of over $2 million from his .270, 25 HR, 85 RBI 2008 season. Because if anyone deserves a $2 million raise in this economy, it's Adam LaRoche."

June, 2009: LaRoche is fired up about the Nate McLouth trade:

"There ain't a guy in here who ain't [ticked] off about it," said first baseman Adam LaRoche, according to the report. "It's kind of like being with your platoon in a battle, and guys keep dropping around you. You keep hanging on, hanging on, and you've got to figure: How much longer till you sink?

"It's fine. Heck with it. We're not the GM. We don't run the team. If they feel like it's the best move for three or four years from now, great," LaRoche said, according to the report. "Unfortunately, that does me no good. I've still got to be in here telling guys it's going to be fine with Nate gone. Well, you can only do that for so long until guys just kind of ... well, they know."

My commentary at the time:

"One finds irony in the fact that LaRoche, who is currently hitting .245 and traditionally does his best to help sink the aforementioned Pirates' platoon by the All-Star break, felt the need to speak out, especially considering the fact that LaRoche is a pending free agent and will surely exit via that route, unless he's traded first (hopefully for some prospects, for comedic irony)."

June 2009: LaRoche speaks out against Carlos Beltran's comment that being swept by the Pirates was embarrassing:

"I think it shows zero class and zero professionalism," the Pirates' first baseman said yesterday at Minute Maid Park. "When somebody says that, they know what they're saying, and they know it's going to get out. He knows we're not going to be real happy about it. If you go and say that to your buddies, it's one thing. If you go to the media and make that public for us to hear? Yeah, that's no class."

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CHARLIE MORTON'S DEBUT WAS...INTERESTING

The Pirates were excited to show immediate return on the Nate McLouth trade, starting 25-year-old Charlie Morton against his old team, the Atlanta Braves, on Wednesday night. Unfortunately, Morton's Pirate debut was rather abbreviated, as he threw just one inning against the Tomahawk Choppers and left the game with a hamstring injury.

Luckily, the Pirates happened to have a pitcher available from last season's controversial trade of a veteran outfielder, so in stepped Jeff Karstens, who went on to allow four hits and one run in 4 2/3 innings en route to his third win of the season. Karstens showed great control, throwing 43 of his 59 pitches for strikes. It was an encouraging outing for a guy who was recently banished to the bullpen.

Sean Burnett, John Grabow and Matt Capps limited the Braves to only a two-out, ninth-inning homer by Garret Anderson, and the Pirates hung on for a 3-2 victory in front of 21,610.

Andrew McCutchen was 0-for-5 with two strikeouts, lowering his average to .324, but the Pirates got just enough offense from Nyjer Morgan and Freddy "Don't Call Me Tony" Sanchez, who had two hits each. Adam LaRoche knocked in two of the three runs against his former team.

The teams meet once again on Thursday with an early 1 PM start. Paul Maholm (4-2, 3.94) will duel with Javier Vazquez (4-5, 3.54). Following that, the Pirates have a Friday meeting with (drum roll)....DETROIT! That's right, Pittsburgh and Detroit, on Friday evening. Aren't those two cities "facing off" in another sport that night?

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BUCCOS FALL IN 15-INNING MCLOUTH BOWL

It took only 15 innings, but the Atlanta Braves and Nate McLouth proved to be too much for the Pittsburgh Pirates, who dropped a 7-6 decision on an bases loaded single by another former Bucco, David "Lee" Roth. Ross's grounder to Jack Wilson scored Jeff Francoeur, who was actually beaten by the throw which unfortunately pulled catcher Jason Jaramillo off the plate. It wasn't quite as dramatic as Sid Bream's slide in 1992, but it allowed those remaining in attendance to finally have the opportunity to get on with their evening.

The four-hour, 46-minute marathon was the 2,000th win for Bobby Cox in a Braves uniform, and the longest game in Atlanta since the Braves-Astros 17-inning tilt in 2008.

Andrew McCutchen had four hits for the Pirates, and is batting a mere .400 since being forced into the Pittsburgh lineup after last week's McLouth trade, much to the chagrin of Pirate fans. McCutchen had two triples, a double, two runs and one RBI on the night. His hit total bested all other players in Monday's game, including McLouth, who had three hits, including his 10th home run of the season, a solo shot off Zach Duke in the 5th.

The two teams meet again tonight at 7 PM, with Mr. Wonderful, Ross Ohlendorf (4.85, 5-5) matching up with Derek Lowe (3.40, 6-3). The lack-of-rest factor should be interesting, but sadly, few will notice with a certain Stanley Cup Finals game going on back in Pittsburgh.

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AS THE BUCCO TURNS

Even the most pessimistic Pirate fan (which is pretty much all of them) would have to admit that last week was one of, if not the most, intriguing weeks of the 2009 season. And this weekend, the hits kept on coming. A briefing on where we stand heading into the week ahead:

--Adam "Loose Lips" LaRoche, suddenly the most quotable player in all of MLB, spouted off again to the press, this time about Mets OF Carlos Beltran telling the world how he was embarrassed to be swept by the Pirates. Said the Buck Commander:

"I think it shows zero class and zero professionalism," the Pirates' first baseman said yesterday at Minute Maid Park. "When somebody says that, they know what they're saying, and they know it's going to get out. He knows we're not going to be real happy about it. If you go and say that to your buddies, it's one thing. If you go to the media and make that public for us to hear? Yeah, that's no class."

--Even better, Beltran actually took the time out of his busy life to respond to LaRoche's comments:

"I don't care what he says. I say the way I feel. This is how I feel about the team that day. If he said that, I don't agree with him. I've got class. And I've got what he said that I don't have."

If only this were 1988 and the two teams were still in the NL East, I'd say we might actually have something resembling a budding rivalry. They'd be firing up the "Muck the Fets" t-shirts at the bootleg t-shirt factories on Monday morning for sale in the Strip District by sundown. But alas, the Buccos and Mets meet only once more in 2009 for a makeup game, and LaRoche might actually be traded for prospects by then. So just forget that idea.

--As far as the on-field product goes, the Pirates were busy dropping two of three to the Astros this weekend. That's Astros as in "the only team below the Pirates in the NL Central" Astros, in case you were wondering.
On Sunday, Ian Snell managed to allow a mere three runs in six innings, which, by his 2009 standards, is akin to throwing a perfect game. Of course, luck would have it that the bullpen would surrender three runs in two innings of work, which was just what Houston needed to topple Team Huntington. Astros 6, Pirates 4. But the good news, Andrew McCutchen had three more hits, and no one got unexpectedly traded after the game.

--Entering Monday, the standings look like this:

And if the Pirates still had Nate McLouth, they be at least 27-29.

--Speaking of the departed, guess who the Pirates are playing this week? That's right, Nate McLouth and the Atlanta Braves! A four-game set starts Monday night with Zach Duke (6-4, 2.62) against Kenshin Kawakami (3-6, 4.63). In the meantime, get used to seeing this:
--And again speaking of McLouth, there's been so much carrying on by players, fans, and media over the Pirates ditching a .251 hitter in favor of a pedigreed blue-chip prospect that the GM actually had to write a letter defending the trade. Which is probably necessary when the PG is printing inflammatory stuff like this under the op/ed header.

--Finally, Vince Pellegrini authored this absolutely sweet guide to the Pirates' upcoming draft for Myvalleysports.com. Not only does it tell you who they might draft, it also tells you who they could've drafted in past years (Matt Wieters!) as well as notable first-round choices, late-round steals, the All-Time Pirates draft team, and much more. We might as well end on a high note.

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PAT MEARES 2.0

The Pirates have embarrassed themselves on the field for 16 years, and now, they're embarrassing themselves in a completely different way, getting national attention on blogs from coast to coast for their childish reaction to the Nate McLouth trade.

Said Adam LaRoche:

"There ain't a guy in here who ain't [ticked] off about it," said first baseman Adam LaRoche, according to the report. "It's kind of like being with your platoon in a battle, and guys keep dropping around you. You keep hanging on, hanging on, and you've got to figure: How much longer till you sink?

"It's fine. Heck with it. We're not the GM. We don't run the team. If they feel like it's the best move for three or four years from now, great," LaRoche said, according to the report. "Unfortunately, that does me no good. I've still got to be in here telling guys it's going to be fine with Nate gone. Well, you can only do that for so long until guys just kind of ... well, they know."

Freddy Sanchez:

"Wow," second baseman Freddy Sanchez said Thursday of the trade, according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. "I think the biggest thing was the shock factor. It's obviously a tough pill to swallow. Our No. 3 hitter just got taken away, the guy who leads our team in home runs and RBIs, and we were 6½ games out. We could still have been right there. I think we still can. But we're all just kind of wondering right now ... wondering what it is."

An unnamed vet:

"You make a deal for a player like that, and you'd better get at least one elite guy in return," one veteran said. "Who's the guy in this trade? Who is that player?"

One finds irony in the fact that LaRoche, who is currently hitting .245 and traditionally does his best to help sink the aforementioned Pirates' platoon by the All-Star break, felt the need to speak out, especially considering the fact that LaRoche is a pending free agent and will surely exit via that route, unless he's traded first (hopefully for some prospects, for comedic irony).

The Pirates' players have carried on as if the team just broke up an outfield of Mantle, Mays, and Dimaggio, to the point of creating a clubhouse shrine to McLouth in Pat Meares fashion. The shrine was erected by Jesse Chavez and Sean Burnett, who have more than earned the right to criticize the team for all the championships they've helped bring the organization.

Forgot Meares? Of course you did. After signing a four-year, $15 million extension in April 1999, he hit .240 and .211 in the two seasons that followed. Notice I said two seasons, not four. The Pirates and Meares eventually parted ways and Meares never played in the bigs again, with a nice injury grievance as the cherry on top. And aside from the shrine that he undoubtedly deserved, there's this classic story that sort of sums up the whole Meares Era:

Shortstop Pat Meares of the Pittsburgh Pirates‚ on the disabled list recovering from surgery on his left hand‚ participates in a sausage race at Milwaukee's County Stadium. Meares‚ dressed as a 10-foot bratwurst‚ wins the race defeating a giant hot dog and a polish sausage. Two days ago‚ Meares was caught on videotape sunbathing in the upper deck of Philadelphia's Veteran Stadium for the first six innings of game.

But I digress. ESPN's DJ Gallo put the current situation into perspective with some cold, hard facts about the Pirates, and #3 on his list makes simply a beautiful point that I was planning on making myself:

Fact #3: The Pirates would not be good if they had kept their "core" in place.

Please stop pretending that last year's Opening Day outfield of Jason Bay, McLouth and Xavier Nady would one day be inducted en masse into Cooperstown.

Please. You're embarrassing yourselves.

When Nady was dealt last year, the Pirates were 48-55. When Bay left, they were 50-58. When McLouth was traded on Wednesday, they were 24-28. The Pirates aren't exactly breaking up the '27 Yankees. The '67 Yankees, maybe.

And, really, Xavier Nady?! We're talking about missing Xavier Nady? Not Barry Bonds, not Jason Bay. Not even Brian Giles. We talkin' about Xavier Nady. Xavier Nady, man. Xavier Nady. I mean, how silly is that. Xavier Nady.

Mark Madden pointed out that none of this went on in the Penguin locker room after a strong locker room guy like Ryan Whitney was dealt, which spoke to the tremendous difference between entitled Major Leaguers and the attitude of most NHL players. And I'd have to agree. Please, Pirates, for your own good, keep your thoughts to yourself and just play ball. Your comments are really not doing anyone any favors.

McLouth trade brings clubhouse backlash [PG]

Arrrgh! you ready for some Pirate facts? [ESPN]

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NEWS AND NOTES

--Soak in this sentence for a minute:

"Prized prospect Andrew McCutchen made a splashy major-league debut with a 3-for-5 showing that included three runs, an RBI and a stolen base as a leadoff batter."

Pirates 11, Mets 6. Nate McWho?

--After tweaking his knee yesterday, Large Ben returned to practice today. You can get down from the ledge. [Trib]

--A Pens fan got an octopus in the mail from a Wings fan, then promptly sent it back after giving it an official Primanti's treatment. Because as you know, Primanti's sandwiches are the only thing we eat in Pittsburgh. [WPXI]

--Hopefully Dan Byslma will eat a lucky burrito from Qdoba today [96.1 Kiss Freak Show]

--Here's your chance to buy a true piece of baseball history: it's an auction for the ball thrown by Baba Booey at his infamous first-pitch disaster against the Pirates. And you get his worn jersey too! [Charity Buzz]

--Bob Smizik calls the McLouth trade a "bold gamble worth taking". This follows yesterday's column, "Pirates give up on present by trading McLouth". I'm confused. [Bob Smizik Blog]

--ESPN 1250's next Lunch with a Legend has been announced: you can dine in the presence of James Farrior and Deshea Townsend at Morton's on June 10. [ESPN 1250]

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MCLOUTH TRADED TO BRAVES

The Pirates sure know how to make news in the midst of a Stanley Cup Final. And all it took was a surprising trade of one of their most popular and productive players.

OF Nate McLouth, a 2008 All Star and Gold Glove winner, was just dealt to Atlanta for Class A pitcher Jeff Locke, AA OF Gorkys Hernandez, and AAA pitcher Charlie Morton. McLouth was batting .256 with 9 HR and 34 RBI for the 24-28 Pirates, who will recall highly-touted OF Andrew McCutchen to take McLouth's place. McCutchen was hitting .303 with 4 HR, 20 RBI, and 10 SB in 49 games in AAA.

Morton is a power pitcher who is close to big-league-ready as a starter. Locke is a bit further away from the bigs, but he was Baseball America's 7th-ranked prospect in the Braves' system this year. The 21-year-old Hernandez was Atlanta's 4th-ranked prospect after coming over in the 2007 Edgar Renteria-Jair Jurrjens trade. He projects as a top-of-the lineup place-setter who seems to be developing nicely, although some power would be nice.

Some faction of Pirate fans will undoubtedly speak out against this trade. In fact, it only took Bob Smizik about an hour to declare the Pirates have given up on the present. But let's be honest here. The Pirates, despite their proximity to .500, are not going anywhere this year. And McLouth was a lifetime .261 hitter who's played one full season in the majors and was battling for a job not too long ago. It's not as if they just traded Roberto Clemente in his prime. In the short term, the Pirates and their remaining fans will probably miss him; in the grander scheme of things, this could turn out to be a very good trade for the Bucs, if they netted two of the Braves' top 10 prospects and another arm to legitimately compete for a spot in the rotation. And don't forget, this also clears the way for McCutchen, who clearly has a much higher ceiling than McLouth.

There is no doubt that it took some serious stones for Neal Huntington to make this deal at this time. McLouth was just signed to a reasonable three-year, $15.75 million contract, so it wasn't like he was a financial albatross around the franchise's neck a la Kevin Young or Jason Kendall. (although I'm sure the Pirates don't mind getting that money off the books). Huntington clearly has a plan in building the depth of the franchise, and once again, he's getting multiple players in return. Most trades aren't properly evaluated at the time they're made, they're evaluated months or years down the road. This is one of those trades. But for now, at least, I think I like it.

McLouth traded to Atlanta for three prospects; McCutchen coming to Pittsburgh [PBC Blog]

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BREWERS CONTINUE TO OWN PIRATES

While most of Pittsburgh was busy watching Crosby-Ovechkin II, the Pirates quietly lost their 16th in a row to the Milwaukee Brewers by a count of 7-4, falling below .500 for the first time since they were 4-5 on April 16. That's six losses in seven games for the quickly-fading Buccos.

After seven-plus innings of Paul Maholm, who struck out seven and allowed just two runs, the buck stopped at the Pirate bullpen, which surrendered five runs in the final inning and two-thirds. Pirate-killer Ryan Braun rallied the troops with a pinch-hit double in the 8th, driving in two, and Rickie Weeks' three-run ding-dong in the ninth sent the Pirates to the loss column.

On the plus side, at least the Pirates managed seven hits and three runs off of the Brewers' Yovani Gallardo, who shut them out last week. Nate McLouth had three hits, Freddy Sanchez hit two more doubles (giving him a league-leading 12) and Adam LaRoche hit his sixth homer, but it simply was not enough.

Also worth mentioning: paid attendance (also known as tickets sold) was a mere 8,482. Bad weather, kids still in school, Penguin playoff game...the excuses are plentiful this time of year.

The two-game series wraps up Tuesday night at PNC. Ian Snell (3.72, 1-3) starts opposite former Bucco Jeff Suppan (5.88, 1-2).

Brewers 7, Pirates 4 [ESPN]

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BUCCOS BACK IN ACTION TONIGHT

Following a weekend series with the San Diego Padres in which they took two of three, the second-place Pittsburgh Pirates once again take to the road for a three-game set in Milwaukee with the 8-10 Brewers.

Tonight, the pitching matchup will be Jeff Karstens (1-0, 3.60) against Braden Looper (2-0, 2.12), who gets the task of trying to cool off a red-hot Adam LaRoche. That's right, Adam LaRoche. In April. Batting .288. Leading the team in home runs (5), RBI (14), and OPS (.995). Try to believe it, Pittsburgh.

How long the Pirates can keep up this hot start is open for debate, especially in light of the injury plague that's hit the team. Ryan Doumit is out until June, Jack Wilson's on the 15-day DL, and there is no timetable for the return of Nate McLouth, who tweaked his right oblique during BP on Friday. But other than that, the team is totally healthy.

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THE PIRATES WILL NOT BE IGNORED

,

The Penguins are knee-deep in the NHL Playoffs. The World Champion Steelers are preparing for this weekend's NFL draft. Traditionally, the Pirates are usually statistically eliminated by this point, and Adam LaRoche is hitting around .018 or so. They're already an afterthought. But this year? That's a different story. The Pirates are 7-6, they've thrown four shutouts (two more than their 2008 total), and they lead the league in team ERA. I hope they serve smelling salts at the All You Can Eat Counter, because we might need them to revive us after hearing statistical revelations like those.

Last night, the Battlin' Bucs, coming off a blowout loss to Atlanta on Sunday, locked horns with the one-loss Florida Marlins. Surely, this would be the second game in the Pirates' inevitable free-fall. But not so fast, my friend.

Ross "Mr. Wonderful" Ohlendorf (as you can see, I'm not giving up on that nickname) pitched seven innings, allowing two hits and striking out five, and the Pirates defeated the Marlins, 8-0, in front of a little more than 8,000 at PNC Park.

The Pirates, who have scored 51 runs in its seven wins this season but just nine runs in six losses, decided to bring their bats on this night, with Nate McLouth driving in four and becoming the 23rd player to have a home run reach the Allegheny River via a bounce. In fact, every position player for the Pirates had at least one hit against the Marlin combination of Andrew Miller and Logan Kensing.

The two teams face off again tonight opposite Pens-Flyers, and the first pitch will be thrown at 7:05 PM. RHP Jeff Karstens (0-0, 6.75) goes for the Pirates against Florida RHP Anibal Sanchez (1-0, 1.64). Will the Pirates score 8, give up 11, score 2, or give up 0? This year, anything's possible.

Ohlendorf, Pirates cool off torrid Marlins, 8-0 [PG]

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UPDATED: PIRATES OPENING DAY RECAP

The Pirates' home opener was rather eventful, and in a good way. On the field, the team outhit the Houston Astros by a 14-4 count en route to a 7-0 victory. The Buccos were helped by an ample dose of Freddy Sanchez, who's doubled three times, giving him six already in this young season. Adam LaRoche has also hit his second home run of the season and had three hits on the day. In April. I know, I can't believe it, either.

Prior to the game, the team honored the heroic Pittsburgh officers who recently lost their lives (Officer Eric Kelly, Officer Paul Sciullo II and Officer Stephen Mayhle) with a moment of silence and the playing of "Taps". The team also presented Nate McLouth with his 2008 Gold Glove Award.

Pirates players wore Pittsburgh Bureau of Police caps today, as well as a commemorative "PBP" patch on the left sleeve of their uniform; and in a nice touch, Astros players also wore Pittsburgh Bureau of Police caps during pregame introductions.

The Pirates will auction off today's game-used caps from both teams as well as all Pirate worn jerseys on pirates.com to benefit the Pittsburgh Fallen Heroes Fund.

Pirates Honor Fallen Officers During Home Opener [WPXI]
Astros at Pirates [ESPN]

UPDATE:

Lots of great pictures and details at WTAE's Opening Day Blog

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OBLIGATORY 2009 PIRATES POST 1.0

Yeah, I know that you're infinitely more interested in the happenings of Pitt and the Penguins right now, but the Pirates are gearing up for another year of exciting, sub-.500 baseball, so let's get caught up on the latest happenings of all things Bucco:

--As you've probably heard, Nate McLouth agreed to a three-year contract with a club option on a fourth year.

McLouth will receive a $1.5 million signing bonus as well as salaries of $2 million in 2009, $4.5 million in 2010 and $6.5 million in 2011. The Pirates have a $10.65 million option for 2012 with a $1.25 million buyout. It should go without saying that the next round's on him. [PittsburghPirates.com]

--Professional sideshows Rinku and Dinesh were featured on ABC News tonight, meaning the Pirates' publicity plan is going along just as scheduled. Unless you can think of another reason why a story about the Pirates would make national news in February? [ABC.com]

--You can now find the works of former Beaver County Times scribe John Perrotto at Piratesreport.com.

--Andrew McCutchen is ranked as the #12 prospect in the game by MLB.com. I think Rinku and Dinesh are 1 and 2, respectively.

--The Pirates are in the running for relief pitcher Will Ohman, who had a 3.68 ERA in 83 appearances for the Braves last season.

Not being too familiar with random Braves relivers, I was able to unearth some incredibly interesting tidbits on the German-born lefthander, such as his "possible" MLB-record 65 appearances without allowing a double. I can only wonder how a guy with double-avoiding skills like that is still available at this stage of free agency? [ESPN]

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TRADE! UPDATED: PIRATE NEWS AND NOTES

I know there's about two of you left who care about the Pirates, so consider this a favor to the both of you: here's a brief update on the Pirate-related happenings of the past 24 hours.

--Mark Loretta signed with LA, which means he's not coming to Pittsburgh. Yeah, Pirates vs. LA is usually a tough faceoff to win. [USA Today]

--The Buccos are talking to Florida about SS Robert Andino, who's hit .201 in 79 career games. The Marlins might be interested in Ronny Paulino, who hit .212 last year. So it looks like a fair trade from my viewpoint. [PG]

--The Pirates have the best medical staff in the majors. Practice makes perfect, I suppose. [PG]

--The Pirates are talking extension with McLouth, Doumit, and Maholm; in the meantime, Atlanta has inquired about the availability of Maholm and McLouth as they do their best to keep the Pirates in the baseball purgatory they helped send them to. And the Buccos are talking about David Eckstein, who hit .265 while earning $4.5 million last year. Awesome. [PG]

--Former Pirate Cesar Izturis is now a Baltimore Oriole, which will surely swing the balance of power in the AL East now that CC Sabathia signed with the Yankees. [ESPN]

--Indian Pirates Rinku and Dinesh write more on their blog than I do. And they have a priceless entry just posted:

"One very, very bad thing about the news is that they say I on the BABEWATCH. This not true. i not watching girls. i only pitching, training, eat, watch baseball/Movies and sleep. American women very dangerous and very crazy. I like only Indian woman. Dinesh and JB, Sir have been harrassing me about this BABEWATCH. I do not like the BABEWATCH."

Got it. Note to self: never confuse Rinku with Joe Namath.

UPDATE:
A few new related links...

--Looks like Ronny Paulino's not going to be a Florida Marlin....he's actually joining the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. The Pirates get catcher Jason Jaramillo, who was managed by John Russell at AAA Ottawa in 2007. Jaramillo was rated as one of the Phillies' top 10 prospects...in 2005. Of course, we weren't exactly lighting the world on fire with Paulino. [PBC Blog]

--A few teams seem interested in Matt Capps, including the Mets and Cardinals. No matter how awful the team's been over the last 16 years, people always seem to want the Pirates' relievers. It's a freak of nature. [SI]

Send your news, tips, and links to Mondesishouse@gmail.com.

HEY, PIRATE NEWS!

Not paying attention to the Pirates? Of course you're not. You barely pay attention during the season (and for good reason). But regardless of your interest level, there are a few news bits to pass along from the PBC:

--Nate McLouth won a Gold Glove. The centerfielder enjoyed a breakout year in 2008 and had just one error in 155 games. As per my contract, I'm supposed to make a Pirate joke here, but it's hard to crack wise about a one-error season.

McLouth becomes the first Pirate to win a Gold Glove since SS Jay Bell in 1993. Maybe he'll randomly hit 38 homers in a season, too.

--The Pirates announced a freeze on season-ticket prices for 2009. I love how this is somehow construed as anything other than common sense. Let's go through the checklist:

Economic crisis? Check.
16 consecutive losing seasons? Check.
Traded away the majority of quality veterans? Check.

All that aside, a raise in season ticket prices would have been comedy gold for a person like me. Don't forget, such a move is not unprecedented by this organization.

Send your news, tips, and links to Mondesishouse@gmail.com.

PIRATES RELEASE SCHEDULE FOR HISTORIC '09 SEASON

The Pirates just released their schedule for their 2009 season, one that appears, at least according to the results of the last 16 seasons, to be historic...as in "all-time record for consecutive losing seasons" historic.

The season kicks off April 6th at St. Louis, with the Pirates' first home game slated for April 13th against Houston, a 1:35 start which probably won't feature Michael Keaton throwing out the first pitch.

The 2009 interleague slate includes:

Away: White Sox, May 22-24; Minnesota, June 16-18

Home: Detroit, June 12-14; Cleveland, June 23-25; Kansas City June 26-28

That means the highlight of the summer, other than the day when one Pirate gets selected to the All-Star Game, will be: the return of Jim Leyland; seeing what could've been with Cliff Lee; and a three-game set against the Pirates' AL doppelganger of ineptitude.

But seriously, a question: who is the face of the team for next year? Will a collage of Sanchez, McLouth, and the Brothers LaRoche suffice? Jack Wilson probably won't be here, so that eliminates him. How about the oft-injured Ryan Doumit? I have a pretty good idea who it won't be, though.

After last night's performance, the Pirates are lucky anyone even cares at this point. How about this for a slogan on their '09 ticket brochure:

"It's just embarrassing. It really is. You've got three guys who run balls out right now. It's frustrating. Just frustrating. The whole thing is frustrating."

The sad part is, that wasn't from a fan. It was from Doug Mientkiewicz.

THE NEWS

Yes, we were all intimidated.

[thanks Billyseth]

PENS LINKS:
Molinari: Penguins rout Flyers, punch ticket to Stanley Cup final
Collier: Comforts of home adding up for Malone
Cook: Can't touch Sid The Kid for playoff excellence
Anderson: Friendly Fleury shows some flash in playoffs
PG: Empty Netters recap

Junker: Penalties should carry over
Starkey: Penguins far from satisfied
Rossi: Pens soar over Flyers; Cup final next

and in honor of the Pens knocking the Flyers out of the playoffs...

100 Seasons ... 100 Heartbreaks: the 100 worst moments in Philadelphia sports, from SI.

--Are the Pirates allergic to the hallowed ground of .500? They blew yet another shot at it yesterday in a 4-3 loss to the Cubs, who own an 8-1 mark against the Buccos in 2008. Phil Dumatrait sums it up: "I was terrible."

--Commencements: Al Gore at CMU and Bud Selig at Bethany College. Sorry, no Mike Tomlin.

--Bill Simmons is enjoying his "rebellious" status.

--The Big Lead takes a long look at Nate McLouth.

--Governor Rendell chose a Spanish firm to run the PA Turnpike. First Kennywood, now the Turnpike. What's the next PA landmark to go Spanish?

--Sorry guys: Ashlee Simpson is now Ashlee Wentz.

--The Detroit Lions' customer service policy: “F— ‘Em”. Needless to say, they didn't follow the Penguins fan blueprint I mentioned this morning.

--A trailer accident dumped 14 tons of Oreos all over an Illinois highway.

(________) was seen making immediate travel arrangements to Illinois.

insert fat guy here

--Is Gears of War 2 the most violent video game ever?

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GOT NEWS? LINKS? ANYTHING?

EMAIL IT TO MONDESISHOUSE@GMAIL.COM

"THE BILLY RIPKEN BOBBLEHEAD"

Well, it looks like we're smack-dab in the middle of a full-blown controversy. The Tom Gorzelanny "middle-finger" bobblehead story has spread like wildfire, and is now being compared by Yahoo! Sports to the infamous Billy Ripken error card of 19 years ago.

Amidst all the hubbub, the Pirates have finally chimed in. Spokesman Jim Trdinich told WTAE/The Pittsburgh Channel that "he can't tell which finger is sticking out of Gorzelanny's glove in the photo that went to the bobblehead company, but he said it was not done in bad taste."

Despite their current/predictable basement status, the Pirates have already given us the Nate McLouth hitting streak, the end of the Matt Morris Era, The Great Byung-Hyun Kim Experiment, the pig-out section, and a controversial bobblehead. And it's only April. This season might not be so bad after all.

The Twi-Nighter: Introducing the 'Billy Ripken' bobblehead [Yahoo!]

Is Pittsburgh Pirates Bobblehead Giving The Finger? [The Pittsburgh Channel]

THE NEWS

--The Pirates' winning streak reaches two! In true Pirate fashion, every position player got a hit...except for Nate McLouth.

--Fascinating article from the PG, which looks inside the world of Allegheny County Jail cuisine:

--Detroit fans are not happy with the NHL's ban of octopi at Joe Louis Arena.

--Forgot to mention this the other day, but it's worth reminding everyone that Ranger professional annoyance Sean Avery is going to intern at Vogue this summer.

--The Trib outlines the Pittsburgh-Jaromir Jagr dynamic.
--Which local celebrity will jump on the Penguins bandwagon?

--From the recently-opened SI Vault: "Raul Mondesi: The Next Clemente?" Not quite.

--The Patriots look like they plan on another attempt at 19-0 this year. Their arrogance knows no bounds.

--Yikes! Check out this robbery of a local National City bank:

--Good news: Straight Outta Johnstown is back in business. And they've got video of Carlton Haselrig's MMA experience.

--The term "Tetris Bigot" has to be the geekiest phrase ever uttered in the history of phrases uttered.

--It's a Barbie Massacre!

GOT NEWS? EMAIL IT TO MONDESISHOUSE@GMAIL.COM

YOU COULD WIN STUFF!

THE NEWS

Here's what's happening in the world other than Koz stirring everyone up with his claim that Pavel Bure was the greatest pure goal scorer of our lifetime.

--Big win in PA for Hill-Rod (her name, not mine) yesterday.

--Anyone catch President Bush on Deal or No Deal? It actually resulted in low ratings.

--ESPN is having a live fake draft today. You'll have to tell me how it goes.

--Even though the Pirates were being one-hit by Ricky Nolasco (who?) through five innings, they got back on the winning side with a 3-2 win over Florida.

--Nate McLouth's hit streak finally ended at 19 games with an 0-for-2, two walk performance. Luckily, three of the Pirates' nine starters (not counting the pitcher, which would've made FOUR) had batting averages of .194 or lower going into the game, so the slack was easily picked up. Or not. They were a combined 0-for-9.

--Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez visited with the Steelers and Mike Tomlin earlier on Tuesday. Mel Kiper has him projected as a late-round pick at best.

--In addition to their MLB-worst pitching and fielding, the Pirates are now last in the league in attendance too. All we need now is to drop a few spots in the batting category and we'll have the quadruple crown of failure.

--Here's video of a sad, sad Capital fan pelting Flyer Jeff Carter in the head with a bottle last night. I'd feel bad for Carter, but he is a Flyer.

--The Ottawa Senators refuse to panic despite trailing four-games-to-none.

--The Sporting News says Pitt will be nasty in 2008. I agree.

--What links draftee-to-be Chris Long and Jared "Subway" Fogel? I don't even want to imagine.

--Hooray! The NFL finally has an agreement in place with Matt Walsh!

--Gary Roberts might not play on Friday.

--The Steelers are looking at backfield depth in this year's draft.

--Highly-touted Luca Caputi was signed to a three-year entry level contract by the Penguins.

--Penn State RB Austin Scott (whose charges were dropped last Friday) is hoping to get drafted this weekend.
--What's a mouthy Chad Johnson worth?

--Joe Frazier's fight-worn robe from the Thrilla in Manila is up for auction.

--Your Spelling Bee broadcast update: Mike and Mike are out, Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews are in.

--Huey Richardson was ranked by ESPN as #15 on the list of biggest busts ever. 1989 #1 pick Tim "Taser" Worley checks in at #25. Penn State was represented by #20 Curtis Enis (Bears, 1998), #22 Blair Thomas (Jets, 1990), #24 Tony Sacca (Cardinals, 1992), #29 Todd Blackledge (Chiefs, 1983), and #32 Andre Johnson (Redskins, 1996). West Virginia's Reggie Rembert was ranked #41 (Bengals, 1990).

--In the list of Top 50 draft steals: L.C. Greenwood, 8th; John Stallworth, 16th; Mike Webster, 22nd; Hardy Nickerson, 27th; Hines Ward, 33rd; and Greg Lloyd, 37th.

--OJ Simpson wants to join the cast of The Apprentice.

--I erroneously identified a referee in last week's Steeler basketball game as local wrestler Bill "Powerhouse" Hughes, when his name was actually Mark Mizerak. My apologies.

Just to further clarify who Powerhouse Hughes is, you can visit the CWF website and meet Bill and the rest of the CWF Superstars. Their next event will be at The Brownson House in Washington, PA on Saturday, May 10th.

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