THE FUTURE OF THE PIRATES

His name is Rick Ankiel. He has a glove on his head. He used to be a blue-chip pitching prospect, something went terribly wrong, and now he's an outfielder. It sounds like the script of an intriguing Hollywood drama. But the best part? He could be YOUR newest Pittsburgh Pirate.

The PG's Dejan Kovacevic got Never-Nervous Neal Huntington to lift the curtain on the Pirates' offseason plans, and the article sure made it sound like Ankiel and his .233 average will be a natural fit in Pittsburgh next season. Plus, his agent is Scott Boras, which makes this entire story about 1,000 times more interesting. This is one to keep your eye on.

The other cornerstone of the Pirates' extreme offseason makeover appears to be pitcher John Grabow, who they just traded to the Cubs a few months ago. Rick Ankiel, John Grabow...I don't know about you, but I smell the stench of a third championship parade in the near future. Well, maybe that's not a parade, but there's definitely a stench in the air.

Huntington committed to increasing the payroll in 2010, which is significant because everyone and their uncle has been criticizing the Pirates for their budget-slashing 2009 edition. In fact, the cries of cheapness are so loud that Pirate bloggers have taken to defending the Pirates. Say what you want, but this team can still draw 500 on a Monday night in September. Just imagine what they'll pull when Ankiel and Grabow show up.

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CHARLIE MORTON'S DEBUT WAS...INTERESTING

The Pirates were excited to show immediate return on the Nate McLouth trade, starting 25-year-old Charlie Morton against his old team, the Atlanta Braves, on Wednesday night. Unfortunately, Morton's Pirate debut was rather abbreviated, as he threw just one inning against the Tomahawk Choppers and left the game with a hamstring injury.

Luckily, the Pirates happened to have a pitcher available from last season's controversial trade of a veteran outfielder, so in stepped Jeff Karstens, who went on to allow four hits and one run in 4 2/3 innings en route to his third win of the season. Karstens showed great control, throwing 43 of his 59 pitches for strikes. It was an encouraging outing for a guy who was recently banished to the bullpen.

Sean Burnett, John Grabow and Matt Capps limited the Braves to only a two-out, ninth-inning homer by Garret Anderson, and the Pirates hung on for a 3-2 victory in front of 21,610.

Andrew McCutchen was 0-for-5 with two strikeouts, lowering his average to .324, but the Pirates got just enough offense from Nyjer Morgan and Freddy "Don't Call Me Tony" Sanchez, who had two hits each. Adam LaRoche knocked in two of the three runs against his former team.

The teams meet once again on Thursday with an early 1 PM start. Paul Maholm (4-2, 3.94) will duel with Javier Vazquez (4-5, 3.54). Following that, the Pirates have a Friday meeting with (drum roll)....DETROIT! That's right, Pittsburgh and Detroit, on Friday evening. Aren't those two cities "facing off" in another sport that night?

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My Pirate Solution: Start Armas in an Intrasquad Game

PROBLEM:

The Pirates have some struggling pitchers, among them:

Paul Maholm 3-10, 5.01

Zach Duke 3-6, 5.44

Tony Armas 0-3, 8.92

SOLUTION:

The Pirates' lineup seems to be the elixir for a struggling pitcher. For instance, check out this comprehensive list of pitchers that shut them down this season. Not exactly a gallery of all-stars:

Opponents who have held the Pirates to 1 or 0 runs:

4/6 Matt Belisle, Reds. ERA: 4.73. Loss 6-1

4/9 Braden Looper, Cardinals. ERA: 4.66. SHUTOUT 3-0

4/28 Matt Belisle, Reds. ERA: 4.73. Loss 8-1

5/2 Jason Marquis, Cubs. ERA: 3.38. Loss 7-1

5/4 Claudio Vargas, Brewers. ERA: 4.09. SHUTOUT 10-0

5/9 Jason Marquis, Cubs. ERA: 3.38. SHUTOUT 1-0

5/11 Kyle Davies, Braves. ERA: 5.42. Loss 4-1

5/24 Braden Looper, Cardinals. ERA: 4.66. Loss 3-1

5/28 Kyle Lohse, Reds. ERA: 5.02. SHUTOUT 4-0

5/30 Chris Young, Padres. ERA: 2.08. SHUTOUT 9-0

6/14 Kameron Loe, Rangers. ERA: 6.34. SHUTOUT 6-0

6/16 Mark Buerhle, White Sox. ERA: 3.39. Loss 6-1

6/20 Jeff Weaver, Mariners. ERA: 8.56. SHUTOUT 7-0

6/21 Felix Hernandez, Mariners. ERA: 4.00. SHUTOUT 3-0

6/23 Kelvim Escobar, Angels. ERA: 2.81. Loss 10-1

Other peformances of note:

4/10 Randy Keisler, Cardinals. ERA: 5.65. 2 ER in 6 IP. Loss 3-2

5/12 Chuck James, Braves. ERA: 4.01. 1 Hit, 0 ER in 7 IP. Loss 9-2

5/23 Kip Wells, Cardinals. ERA: 6.45. 2 ER in 7 IP. Loss 5-3

6/24 Bartolo Colon, Angels. ERA: 5.90. 2 ER in 6 IP. Loss 4-3

The solution is now simple. The Pirates are off today. So I suggest they use the day to play an intrasquad game with Armas and Duke as the starting pitchers. And then make it a doubleheader. The second game would pit Maholm against a combination of Salomon Torres (5.14), John Grabow (6.27), and Jonah Bayliss (7.53).

Facing the Pirates' anemic lineup, the pitchers would regain any confidence that they lost the minute they put on that Bucco uniform for the first time. It's worked for Jeff Weaver, why not Zach Duke? And since the Pirates' hitters couldn't possibly feel any lower, there's no drop off to even worry about- they're already at rock bottom! It's a win-win! Who's with me?

Doumit, Duke, Grabow and Snell drunk pics

This is excellent stuff. Multiples pics of Ian Snell, John Grabow, Zach Duke, and Ryan Doumit out on the town. Check it out at On the DL.