Hot Dog Zanzabar's Message Board Mayhem

by Hot Dog Zanzabar
hotdog.zanzabar@gmail.com

Lots of lunacy since we last met. The timely events that are ruling the message board roost these days are the annual college basketball coaching carousel and the start of the MLB season. Thankfully, each sport's respective fan base is equally crazy, providing some grade-A material.

We’ll start off our little field trip in Bloomington, Indiana. Indiana University made news by recently hiring Big East jerk Tom Crean. I used the word “jerk” because profanity is frowned upon on this site for some reason. But I digress. I have yet to hear one person criticize this hire from Indiana’s behalf, so it’s safe to say that they've made their first smart hire since Pitt fan Bobby Knight (more on him later) was run out of town.

Some people are questioning why Crean jumped ship when it is obvious that he has a monumental rebuilding job facing possible probation; I guess the obvious answer is money, which I’m sure Indiana is giving him plenty of. But the answer might be a little more than that. Maybe the opportunity to rub elbows with none other than Jared Fogle, former zeppelin and Subway spokesman, was what did it. Idiotic claims like this are why message board rumors are dismissed so easily. Although, if it comes to pass that Jared Fogle flew Tom Crean from Milwaukee to Bloomington, I’ll eat crow. And a chicken teriyaki on honey wheat.

Since Crean bailed on Marquette, the Golden Whatevers have been feeling a little down. I won’t bore you with the list of possible candidates that their “insiders” have compiled; instead I’ll just report that they are seeing the brighter side of things. Apparently, a trip to the WNIT finals fills the void that a highly successful coach leaving creates.

While Marquette fans are in the regrouping phase, the Western Kentucky fans are reeling right now as victims of a cruel April Fool’s Day joke. The hot rumor was that a lucrative deal was in place for Bob Knight to take over the Hilltoppers. This rumor started by an Indiana fan that obviously needs kicked in the face. Why the heck would someone jerk around Western Kentucky fans?

The final stop on our coaching carousel tour is Stillwater, Oklahoma. I regret to inform you that I won’t be calling out any ridiculous internet posters for outrageous claims. I will only point out the claim that T. Boone Pickens is willing to fork over $4 million per year over 10 years to retain Bill Self. For those of you unaware with Mr. Pickens, let’s just say he is a retired Gordon Gecko that pours tons (hundreds of millions) of money into Oklahoma State. If Phil Jackson were an Oklahoma State candidate, I wouldn’t be surprised with Mr. Pickens in the fold. I just wish this guy had the itch to control a MLB team in western Pennsylvania

Speaking of the Pirates, I found a great site that really pulls no punches when it comes to their thoughts on the Pirates. The site is called Maximum Grilled Pirates, and they love them some Bucco. If you ever have an hour to kill, click on the Maximum Grilled Dictionary, which features some great terms. My personal favorites are “31. Sveuming” which I can only assume is unbuttoning the top four buttons on a shirt and “86. Erroramus Ramirez” which needs no explanation for people that saw him wearing a non-Cub uniform.

Until next time….

The News

--James Harrison's assault charge: DROPPED!

--Chris Henry: CUT!

--Mike Tomlin, take note: a 2004 Pittsburgh Steelers playbook is for sale on eBay.

--Also on eBay: autographed items from the Brian McNamee collection.

--Stuart Scott, Mr. Belding, and Charles Barkley walk into a bar...

--A Penn State basketball player is in some hot water for alleged library hijinks. Wait, Penn State has a basketball team?

--OK! Magazine chronicles Britney Spears magically losing weight by using a picture from five years ago.

--PNC Park's new restaurant is called the Hall of Fame Club. Ironically, the name is a "10".

--And here's a great ESPN interview with Chad "I'm a Diva, Get Me Out of Here" Johnson conducted by Brian Kenny.
--Any puckheads plan on watching the new drama, MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives?

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Koz: Clinched!

PENGUINS 4

FLYERS 2

by Koz
koz81@comcast.net

The Flyers came in with a game plan – be physical and beat up the Penguins.

The Penguins came in with a game plan, too – score goals and clinch the Atlantic Division.

The Pens claimed their first division title in 10 years by converting four of their six powerplay chances. The goal that sent Elvis to the exit was scored on the sickest deflection I have ever seen. Sidney Crosby took a slap pass from Sergei Gonchar and deflected the puck between his legs into the net. Crosby also scored earlier during a 5-on-3 advantage and was the game’s #1 star.

The Flyers were out for blood the whole game, but they were the ones who walked away bleeding – literally and figuratively. It’s one thing to be physical; it’s another to be completely out of control. The Pens’ two-man advantage was made possible by the Flyers completely losing their minds after a whistle and attacking Crosby for absolutely no reason. It was a helluva game to watch with a playoff feel, but it was even more enjoyable to see Philadelphia imploding by their own design.

The Penguins can clinch the Eastern Conference’s top seed with a win against Philly on Sunday or a Montreal loss in either of their two remaining games (vs. Buffalo and Toronto).

Credit to the Penguins organization for a classy end to the home season with the “Shirts Off Our Backs” promotion. I’ve been in attendance for a few of these, and it’s just awesome to see the players and the fans having a good time together. Hopefully this is a tradition that never ends. The Penguins organization continues to be leaps and bounds ahead of the other teams in town for fan appreciation.

I’ll give credit to the fans for showing up as well. This season was the first full sell-out season in franchise history. Now it’s time to be LOUD in the playoffs.

Stat of the Week: Hal Gill was -5 in his first three games with the Pens. Since that time he’s +11 (according to TSN broadcasting the game on NHL Network).

Bonus Stat of the Week: Marc-Andre Fleury is 10-1-1 since returning from injury.

If the playoffs started tomorrow… we’d play Philadelphia. But they don’t. So let’s not worry too much about this. Teams the Pens won’t face in the first round are New Jersey and probably not New York. Other than that, it’s too close to call right now, but the candidates are Ottawa, Boston, Philly, Washington, and Buffalo.

The Bullpen...May Be a Problem

BRAVES (1-2) 10

PIRATES (1-1) 2

Tom Gorzelanny pitched six innings, yielding six hits, three walks, and three earned runs. Not the greatest performance ever, not the worst performance ever, but he turned the game over to the bullpen with a 3-2 deficit. Big mistake.

In two innings, the Bucco bullpen surrendered seven hits, seven earned runs, and two home runs, as 3-2 became 10-2 in short order. Yikes and gadzooks.

After Monday's opener, in which the bullpen blew the game once (9th inning, five runs) and almost twice (12th inning, two runs), I'm starting to think this may be a big problem.

Damaso Marte's ERA is 81.00. Matt Capps' is 40.50. Evan Meek's is 27.00. A small sample size, yes. But frightening numbers nonetheless.

Unfortunately, the Pirates couldn't muster much against pitcher Jair Jurrjens, who was making his eighth career start and first for Atlanta. Imagine that: the Pirates struggling against an unproven starter. We've never heard that before.

Jurrjens is better known is these parts as the Detroit Tiger prospect who was almost traded for Jack Wilson last year. So he could very easily have been a Pirate. But the Bucs and Tigers failed to make a deal, and Jurrjens eventually got dealt to the Braves as part of the Edgar Renteria deal.

The Pirates' offensive ineptitude was led by...drum roll...Adam LaRoche, who was 0-4 with three LaWhiffs and five runners left on base. He was closely followed by Jose Bautista's 0-4/4 LOB game and Jack Wilson's 0-4 performance.

There's not much more to say about this one, especially considering that 99% of Pittsburghers are more interested in a potential championship team that is ready to enter the playoffs. It was your typical, blahse Pirate game.

Next on the Bucco Agenda is a rubber match with Atlanta at 7:10 this evening, as Zach Duke and Mike Hampton begin their Comeback Player of the Year campaigns.

Tremendous.

Remember this?

For those of you who don't feel like clicking on a video, it's Jaguars QB David Garrard's 32-yard, 4th-and-2 scramble in the Steelers' first round playoff loss. It was the last nail in the coffin for the 2007 Steelers, as Jacksonville would go on to kick the game-winning field goal with 37 seconds on the clock. It's also the play that vaulted Garrard, former clipboard-holder, into "established-starter" territory, which led to the requisite (and ongoing) renegotiation of his contract.

One little problem: the Jaguars were holding on the play.

NFL Head of Officiating Mike Pereira admitted the boo-boo yesterday, making it about the 107th time in my life that I can remember the NFL admitting that they botched a call in a Steeler game after the fact.

Steeler Head Coach Mike Tomlin had no comment, since this play was merely one of a number of things that didn't go the Steelers' way that night.

Not to mince words, but while I agree that the call certainly sucked, you won't get any crying on the Steelers' behalf out of me. Remember, this is Pittsburgh, not Seattle. The Steelers surrendered six sacks, they got beat by a guy making his first career playoff start (and on the road, at that), and they ran for 43 yards on 26 carries. Unfortunately, their numerous mistakes throughout the game that put them in a position to be beaten. And while I appreciate the honesty from the NFL, let's try to get the call right the next time.

NFL Spring Meetings Notebook [PG]

Scrawler: Who Has the Balls to Throw the First Pitch?

by The Backyard Scrawler
backyardscrawl@gmail.com

Karma is always a topic when embarking on any journey. And it’s no different when a Major League baseball team sets sail for a 162-game schedule. Just ask the Phillies who had a priest, a pastor and a Rabbi to bless their balls on Opening Day.

What about thy plentiful balls of our dearly beloved Buccos? Is there any hocus-pocus out there that we can lift the spell of 15 losing seasons?

Let’s get away from the whole sacred balls theory, lest having Pirates visit this fancy web site as an addendum to the preseason Players’ Poll article.

On Wednesday, the Pirates announced their starting lineup for the National Anthem and “God Bless America” singers and ceremonial first-pitch hurler. Donnie Iris will recite Francis Scott Key and Chris Higbee, of the now defunct Povertyneck Hillbillies, will sing the post-9/11 version of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” The iconic Bill Mazeroski will throw out the first pitch.

Not bad choices.

You can never go wrong with Donnie Iris; the guy can rock out a narcoleptic funeral as long as it’s in Pittsburgh.

In the event of a rain delay it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to skip the “Star-Spangled Banner” altogether. The Steelers found that out last December when they literally rain-checked Vince Neil on Monday Night Football and drew more national criticism than if they attempted to set the world record for a simultaneous Rick Roll.

Now, the ceremonial first pitch can really set the tone for a season. If you send some corporate jabroni to the bump and he serves up a Polish sinker your season is doomed. With apologies to Jeff Goldblum and Dennis Miller, the celebrity-comes-home is also a risk this side of Michael Keaton. (Although, I wouldn’t mind having Sewickley native Dan Cortese host an episode of “My Dad is Better Than Your Dad” and see some poor sap with a loose rotator cuff completely humiliate his son.)

Since “Here We Go, Steelers” chants often echo throughout lopsided Bucco routings, why not have Ben Roethlisberger throw a football as the first pitch. Did anyone see who threw out the first pitch for the Cardinals this year?

To pay homage to one of the best online chat questions ever, maybe the Pirates should announce that “Change in Atmosphere” will throw out the first pitch.

If you are a ball-blessing curse-lifter I can think of no one better to exorcize a 15-year spell than to go back to the source.

That’s right, with all this talk lately about Sid Bream and Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS the origins of this hex can only be undone by the pitching of one man.

Get one Stanley Peter Belinda, ASAP!

Some Browns Motivational Posters

On the heels of last week's much enjoyed "motivational posters", here's some designed by self-described Yinzer "Joe" of Youngstown, Ohio. The theme: the sexy pick to win the AFC North, Cleveland. Click on each picture for a bigger view.

Pierogis: Top 10 Pitt Basketball Players

by Big Snack and Diego
pierogisnat@gmail.com

pierogisnat.blogspot.com

We know the Buccos just won their opener (in true Pirate fashion, I might add) and that the Pens are a point away from clinching the Atlantic. But since it's March Madness and our Pitt Panthers gave us a lot to cheer for with their Big East Tourney Championship and Bobby Knight predicting them to win the National Title, we decided we'd pay an homage to them with our Top 10 Pitt Basketball Players Ever... [read more]

The News

--Sidney Crosby and Agnus Berenato were the big winners at the Dapper Dan awards. Where does he put all these trophies?

--Mike Tomlin has a staff member check eBay to see if any old Steelers playbooks are on sale. Does he mean like from the Chuck Noll era, or more of a Cowher vintage? Who knew he was a collector?

--Bill Mazeroski's home run was picked as the greatest moment in Pittsburgh sports history. Take that, Franco.

--Former Pitt star Tony Dorsett says LeSean McCoy is the first Panthers running back that reminds him of himself. Which means LeSean can look forward to a career of fame and riches in Dallas, Texas.

--Barack Obama promises to bring hoops to the White House. But I doubt he's planning on doing much bowling should he win the job.

--Jay-Z and Beyonce are getting married. What kind of wedding gift do you buy for the rap impresario who has it all?

--A group of third-graders planned to attack their teacher, bringing a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape and other items for the job. Is this one of those schools that needs yesterday's "rock star" superintendent?

--National City bank confirms it's for sale, and hints that a deal is near. Yep, it's a great time to be in finance.

--Pitt and Duquesne are disappointed with U.S. News and World Report's law school rankings. Let's just say they're not as high as Pitt's RPI rankings.

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Still Looking for the Biggest Pirates Fan

Well, we're about a week into the World's Biggest Pirate Fan search, and I must say, the response has been underwhelming to say the least. Maybe all of the great Pirate fans I hear about are busy preparing their essays or photo galleries and taking advantage of the May 1 deadline.

So let's remind everyone what we're playing for: a limited edition lithograph featuring the original signature of one Willie Stargell, and a pair of Freddy Sanchez's autographed, game-used batting gloves.

If you are a Pirate fan of any repute, I highly encourage you to throw your hat into the ring. Check out the original post for the full details.