Big Lead Sports Bar

4/02/2008

Scrawler: Who Has the Balls to Throw the First Pitch?

Karma is always a topic when embarking on any journey. And it’s no different when a Major League baseball team sets sail for a 162-game schedule. Just ask the Phillies who had a priest, a pastor and a Rabbi to bless their balls on Opening Day.

What about thy plentiful balls of our dearly beloved Buccos? Is there any hocus-pocus out there that we can lift the spell of 15 losing seasons?
Let’s get away from the whole sacred balls theory, lest having Pirates visit this fancy web site as an addendum to the preseason Players’ Poll article.
On Wednesday, the Pirates announced their starting lineup for the National Anthem and “God Bless America” singers and ceremonial first-pitch hurler. Donnie Iris will recite Francis Scott Key and Chris Higbee, of the now defunct Povertyneck Hillbillies, will sing the post-9/11 version of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” The iconic Bill Mazeroski will throw out the first pitch.

Not bad choices.

You can never go wrong with Donnie Iris; the guy can rock out a narcoleptic funeral as long as it’s in Pittsburgh.

In the event of a rain delay it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to skip the “Star-Spangled Banner” altogether. The Steelers found that out last December when they literally rain-checked Vince Neil on Monday Night Football and drew more national criticism than if they attempted to set the world record for a simultaneous Rick Roll.

Now, the ceremonial first pitch can really set the tone for a season. If you send some corporate jabroni to the bump and he serves up a Polish sinker your season is doomed. With apologies to Jeff Goldblum and Dennis Miller, the celebrity-comes-home is also a risk this side of Michael Keaton. (Although, I wouldn’t mind having Sewickley native Dan Cortese host an episode of “My Dad is Better Than Your Dad” and see some poor sap with a loose rotator cuff completely humiliate his son.)

Since “Here We Go, Steelers” chants often echo throughout lopsided Bucco routings, why not have Ben Roethlisberger throw a football as the first pitch. Did anyone see who threw out the first pitch for the Cardinals this year?

To pay homage to one of the best online chat questions ever, maybe the Pirates should announce that “Change in Atmosphere” will throw out the first pitch.

If you are a ball-blessing curse-lifter I can think of no one better to exorcize a 15-year spell than to go back to the source.

That’s right, with all this talk lately about Sid Bream and Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS the origins of this hex can only be undone by the pitching of one man.

Get one Stanley Peter Belinda, ASAP!

2 comments:

worstavid said...

Holy Cow, I don't remember seeing Belinda'a left ear sticking out like that!

Cecil from Cecil Twp. said...

It was the 14th of October, not the 13th.