Hot Dog Zanzabar's Message Board Mayhem

by Hot Dog Zanzabar
hotdog.zanzabar@gmail.com

Lots of lunacy since we last met. The timely events that are ruling the message board roost these days are the annual college basketball coaching carousel and the start of the MLB season. Thankfully, each sport's respective fan base is equally crazy, providing some grade-A material.

We’ll start off our little field trip in Bloomington, Indiana. Indiana University made news by recently hiring Big East jerk Tom Crean. I used the word “jerk” because profanity is frowned upon on this site for some reason. But I digress. I have yet to hear one person criticize this hire from Indiana’s behalf, so it’s safe to say that they've made their first smart hire since Pitt fan Bobby Knight (more on him later) was run out of town.

Some people are questioning why Crean jumped ship when it is obvious that he has a monumental rebuilding job facing possible probation; I guess the obvious answer is money, which I’m sure Indiana is giving him plenty of. But the answer might be a little more than that. Maybe the opportunity to rub elbows with none other than Jared Fogle, former zeppelin and Subway spokesman, was what did it. Idiotic claims like this are why message board rumors are dismissed so easily. Although, if it comes to pass that Jared Fogle flew Tom Crean from Milwaukee to Bloomington, I’ll eat crow. And a chicken teriyaki on honey wheat.

Since Crean bailed on Marquette, the Golden Whatevers have been feeling a little down. I won’t bore you with the list of possible candidates that their “insiders” have compiled; instead I’ll just report that they are seeing the brighter side of things. Apparently, a trip to the WNIT finals fills the void that a highly successful coach leaving creates.

While Marquette fans are in the regrouping phase, the Western Kentucky fans are reeling right now as victims of a cruel April Fool’s Day joke. The hot rumor was that a lucrative deal was in place for Bob Knight to take over the Hilltoppers. This rumor started by an Indiana fan that obviously needs kicked in the face. Why the heck would someone jerk around Western Kentucky fans?

The final stop on our coaching carousel tour is Stillwater, Oklahoma. I regret to inform you that I won’t be calling out any ridiculous internet posters for outrageous claims. I will only point out the claim that T. Boone Pickens is willing to fork over $4 million per year over 10 years to retain Bill Self. For those of you unaware with Mr. Pickens, let’s just say he is a retired Gordon Gecko that pours tons (hundreds of millions) of money into Oklahoma State. If Phil Jackson were an Oklahoma State candidate, I wouldn’t be surprised with Mr. Pickens in the fold. I just wish this guy had the itch to control a MLB team in western Pennsylvania

Speaking of the Pirates, I found a great site that really pulls no punches when it comes to their thoughts on the Pirates. The site is called Maximum Grilled Pirates, and they love them some Bucco. If you ever have an hour to kill, click on the Maximum Grilled Dictionary, which features some great terms. My personal favorites are “31. Sveuming” which I can only assume is unbuttoning the top four buttons on a shirt and “86. Erroramus Ramirez” which needs no explanation for people that saw him wearing a non-Cub uniform.

Until next time….

Hot Dog Zanzabar's Message Board Mayhem

by Hot Dog Zanzabar
hotdog.zanzabar@gmail.com

I’ll be covering a number of subjects this week. Without further adieu…

*First things first. Yesterday was National Letter of Intent Day for high school seniors that wish to play college football. Of course, all anyone can talk about is Terrelle Pryor, so I’m going to spare you what we have all heard ad nauseum. For the most part, the local schools were pleased with this year’s haul.

Pitt fans that can’t comprehend a complete sentence are still waiting on the two big surprises that Senor Stache alluded to two weeks ago. Apparently, a number of fans can’t realize the difference between ‘hoped for’ and ‘promised’, because Wanny didn’t promise anything. Don’t tell that to Pantherman53. He’s one of the many posters that started a thread wondering who the surprises might be. Don’t hold your breath PantherMan53, you might suffocate before you grow a brain.

Pitt fans DID have a legitimate reason to be disappointed yesterday. Not with the class, but with the coverage, or lack thereof, on Scout.com. Signing day is the busiest day of the year for websites that follow college sports and someone at Scout fell asleep at the wheel. A lot of clicks went to Rivals.com to get up to the second updates on which 17 and 18 year old kids sent their faxes to football coaches that ignore their families for most of the year.

All in all, Pitt fans should be more than pleased with yet another fine class from Dave Wannstedt. Although the number of scholarships was limited, he managed to pull in a number of highly regarded players.

Penn State has an interesting, yet small class. While they have a number of solid prospects, their fans seem to feel that they really didn’t recruit strongly at positions of need, mainly quarterback and running back. In fact, they were victims of the now infamous, ‘verbal and then sign a letter of intent somewhere else’ from a highly regarded running back out of Ohio. Penn State’s fortunes can change with one pen stroke from a certain attention-magnet in Jeannette, but does anyone really believe that is going to happen?

West Virginia finished strong in the last week under Gomer Pyle. I was rather surprised with some of the talent they were able to pull, as were a number of their fans. One thing about West Virginia is that you seem to take a chance every time you happen upon that board. Yesterday was a nice day to visit, since they seemed to focus on their recruits and not discussing Rich Rodriguez. Once the letter of intent ink is dry and the moonshine hangover starts to kick in, I’m sure the vitriol will commence.

Before I continue on to other sports, I wanted to post this thread that was started by GordonGeckko. After all, the title of this column is “Message Board Mayhem”. Why not post a thread from the Pitt board that was left by a megalomaniac Boise State fan? Even funnier than the post were the comments by some people that obviously don’t have a sense of humor. Relax, people!

*CaliEd posed an interesting question on the Pirates message board. For those of you that don’t know who the Pirates are, they are a professional baseball team that plays in Pittsburgh. The question posed was whether or not the general public could purchase the team, a la Green Bay Packers. With our luck, the people that pull this off would realize how awesome it is to make a ton of money.

*Some interesting takes from the recent comments by Michel Therrien that were critical of Ryan Whitney. Normally, Penguin fans are pretty much anti (insert head coaches name here). However, an equal number of people seem to want rid of Whitney due to his passive play in the defensive zone.

*Rather than posting each individual link, I’ll just post this link to the New England Patriots message board. I don’t know what I hate more, their head coach, their players, their fans or their message board moderators. Why message board moderators, you ask? Besides being jagoffs that say the word "wicked" too much, they imposed a rule that would get any visitors account banned for inflammatory comments. Give me a break. If you can’t anonymously make fun of people online, then why did Al Gore invent the Internet? Go back to your Red Sox hot stove reports; we all know that’s what you really care about.

Got a message board that just begs to be dissected? Read a ridiculous thread that everyone would enjoy?

Hit me up at hotdog.zanzabar@gmail.com.

Hot Dog Zanzabar's Message Board Mayhem

by Hot Dog Zanzabar

hotdog.zanzabar@gmail.com

My job is to take the pulse of message boards, so let me tell you this: they are alive and kickin'. With so many to choose from, where should I start? Well, the NHL trade deadline is still a bit away and the NFL draft is out of our immediate reach, so I’m going to focus on college football for our initial voyage.

National Letter of Intent day is only a few weeks away, and you know what that means: rampant speculation is being made on message boards regarding a number of future college football stars. That being said, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention uber-recruit Terrelle Pryor in my first column. There's been plenty of speculation as to the future home of one of the most gifted athletes that this area has ever seen.

--Personally, I’m tired of hearing/reading/seeing his name every time I go online, pick up the newspaper, or turn on the television. I think he's made it pretty clear that his intentions are to get the heck out of Pennsylvania, but some people just can’t take him at his word. Take ThatPittFan from the Pitt football board for example. This poster feels that since Mr. Everything used a Thomas Jefferson eye patch at the US Army All-American Bowl, Pitt is still in the running. Thomas Jefferson is the school that is sending Pitt Lucas Nix, who has been committed since the early part of this past summer. Nix also participated in the All-American Bowl alongside Pryor. Maybe ThatPittFan is clairvoyant and the eye patch really means something, or maybe Pryor just did this because he knew some knuckleheads in Pittsburgh would get worked up over it. My money is on the latter; my feelings are that this kid can’t get out of Western PA fast enough. Of course, Pryor chose to go to the Pitt-Georgetown game on Monday night, as evidenced by this picture, so maybe the locals shouldn’t take him at his word.

Yes, that is Charlie Batch acting as Pryor's advisor, thank you very much

--With the recent coaching turnover at WVU, there's been plenty of stones thrown at their glass house. I’ll spare everyone all the links to the West Virginia jokes we’ve heard over the years and zero in on the following quote:

All DNA is different, by definition. There is nothing redundant about the 2 phrases "inherent" and "deoxyribonucleic acid". It was for emphasis, Einstein. That's not the discussion here. We're talking about the competency or lack thereof of the WVU coaching staff as it is being assembled. Do you have anything constructive to contribute, by any chance?

The statement above was listed in this discussion on a Pitt football message board. Quotes like this are the reason that I waste my spare time on message boards. I have to think that Al Gore knew what message boards would evolve into when he invented the Internet. Here’s to hoping you find humor in this statement, because my column is going to emphasize the completely off the wall stuff that one can encounter when scouring anonymous discussion.

Got a message board that just begs to be dissected? Read a ridiculous thread that everyone would enjoy? Hit me up at hotdog.zanzabar@gmail.com.

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Column: Hot Dog Zanzabar's Message Board Mayhem

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Background: For those of you that don’t know Hot Dog Zanzabar, I’ve been a commenter on this website for the last year and a half. I’ve been a Pittsburgh sports fan my whole life. I wasn’t even in my teens when the Pirates last had a winning season, but I continue to pound my head against the wall for 162 days out of the summer. I met Mario Lemieux at a car dealership in 1985 at the tender age of 4 and somehow that is one of my first memories. Like just about every other male born in western Pennsylvania, sports are a religion and we go to Heinz Field every Sunday for services. The advent of the internet changed everything. The internet has increased the amount of coverage that’s available and it changed the way we followed our teams. Instead of picking up the morning paper to read about the game, you can just point and click your way before the game is over.

One thing that has since evolved (or devolved) is message boards. I’ve been a reader of message boards for the last seven years. I highlighted the word ‘reader’ since there is a big distinction between some of the lunatics that post on message boards and those that read. I’m here to do the heavy lifting for everyone. My column will focus on the vomit that is spewed from the keypads of the guys that live in their mother’s basement who feel like they can coach better than Mike Tomlin, Mike Therrien, or Jamie Dixon. You know who I’m referring to: that guy that thinks the Yankees are going to give up Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes to get their hands on Damaso Marte. Of course, when the team's GM suggests David Wright-for-Kris Benson, that puts everything in perspective. But I digress.

They're out there in droves, people. And they're really entertaining. My job is to bring them to your monitor, scary a proposition as that sounds. If I offend some of you, that's only because the truth hurts.