FUN WHILE IT LASTED

--The Pirates were brought back to reality last night by Joba Chamberlain and the Yankees in a 10-0 thumping in front of 38,952 at PNC Park.

The Bombers were led by Bob Abreu's productive, three-hit, 4-RBI evening, which included his 10th home run of the campaign. The Yanks also got a 3-3 performance from overrated Derek Jeter, and 6 2/3 shutout innings from Chamberlain.

On the Bucco side of the ledger, Jack Wilson balanced his perfect night at the plate with two errors; only two other Pirate starters managed a hit. Zach Duke was touched for seven hits and four runs in five innings of work.

The 37-41 Pirates and 42-36 Yankees meet at PNC in a rubber match tonight at 7:05. Mike Mussina (10-5, 3.93) and Paul Maholm (5-5, 4.41) are your hurlers.

A few other Pirate-related news bits:

--Greatest jersey ever? From the Maximum Grilled Pirates message board user "Jeff King":

--John Challis, the Freedom teenager whose battle with cancer has been widely publicized, was at the game last night. Besides meeting Derek Jeter, he gave a speech to the Pirates' players and staff (which got a standing ovation), talked hunting with Adam LaRoche, and sat in John Russell's chair.

--Former Bucco Shawn Chacon made headlines for his Latrell Sprewell-style choking of Astros GM Ed Wade last night. It's the most fight he's shown in years.

--Pirates GM Neal Huntington swung a deal with the Tigers, landing hard-throwing reliever Denny Bautista in exchange for Class-A reliever Kyle Pearson. Bautista will join the team immediately, which means either Sean Burnett, Francisco Osoria or T.J. Beam will be packing their bags.

Bautista has been clocked as high as 99 MPH; he also has a career ERA of 6.42 and is coming off of a month missed due to tendonitis.

--Ryan Doumit's dad Peter Doumit wrote a book (What I Know about Baseball Is What I Know about Life ...) which they will both be signing tomorrow (the 27th) at the Barnes and Noble at South Hills Village.

--Fresno State won the College World Series last night, and they did it behind Pirate 5th-round draft pick Justin Wilson, who threw eight innings, walking one and striking out nine in the longest effort by any pitcher in the 2008 College World Series. By the way...he did it on three days' rest.

The Yankees Win, and Jim Colborn is Awesome

Well, I'm glad that's over. In yet another horrible display of the game of baseball, the Pirates dropped a 13-6 decision to the Yankees on Sunday, getting swept and falling to 11 games under .500 in the process.

I could write about the game, but really, what's the point? The Pirates are awful, they were embarrassed, and worst of all, they're showing more and more that they don't even care, on the field and off.

What I find more interesting than the game itself is the timing of Dejan Kovacevic's latest Pirate article, "Inside the Pirates: Colborn merits credit for starters". And I quote...

"For all the frustration accompanying Zach Duke's opening third of the season, for all the exasperation that comes from seeing Oliver Perez highlights on TV, it might be going completely undetected that four-fifths of the Pirates' rotation appears to be benefiting from the influence of pitching coach Jim Colborn."

Whah...whah...what? Credit for the starters? Let's recap: Sunday's starter, former Yankee Shawn Chacon, was pounded for seven runs in 3 1/3 innings. He replaced Tony Armas in the rotation, who was sporting an ERA of 8.46 when he finally lost his starting role. Zach Duke is 2-6 with a 5.75 ERA and looks like he would be better suited pitching for the Washington Wild Things, although that would be insulting to the Wild Things. Paul Maholm is 2-9 with a 5.33 ERA. The bullpen is in absolute shambles.

That's the problem with the Pirates. Their pitching staff is in complete disarray, and we're told that Jim Colborn is worthy of praise. Yes, two starters (Snell and Gorzelanny) have performed well this season. But if Colborn is worthy of praise for those two, then he is also worthy of criticism for the poor performances of Armas, Maholm, Duke, and Chacon. And as I said, he certainly hasn't made anyone better in the 'pen.

What angers me the most is the lack of intensity throughout the entire organization. So many of these guys look like they're going through the motions. I ask you one question: "WHY DO WE CARE?"

The ownership certainly doesn't care about a winner. They proved that for the 1,214,387th time last week when they passed on "once in a generation" catcher Matt Wieters in favor of a signable pitcher. They can't spend the $8-10 million that it would take to sign Wieters, but they'll gladly throw away $3.8 mil on Chacon, $3 mil on Armas, or $11 mil last year on Joe Randa and Jeromy Burnitz.

And the players? I've seen Little League teams more intense. They have only a handful of true competitors and fiery guys, such as Sanchez, Snell, and Capps. The majority of the rest barely show signs of life. There is little visible leadership among the players, other than Jack Wilson calling out Castillo in the offseason. Guys are jogging out hits, booting balls, not positioned correctly, etc, etc, etc...their heads are simply not in the game.

Luckily for them, Jim Tracy manages the team like it's the reincarntion of the '27 Yankees. How much of that is Tracy and how much is orders from management is debatable. But much like Bill Cowher, Tracy and the Pirates are horrible at ever admitting a mistake. They would rather lose with their original choices than win with the correct ones. If not for Randa's injury last year, Sanchez would have never had a chance. Why? Because the Pirates paid Randa, and they didn't want to admit that they screwed up...again.

They have three starters with what I consider "acceptable" batting averages: Sanchez (.294), Nady (.287), and Bay (.289). Baustista (.265) and Wilson (.251) are mediocre at best, and the remainder of their regulars are what I would call "below average": Duffy (.240), Paulino (.224) and LaRoche (.214).

The real problem, though, is that there's not much to replace them with. The next Roberto Clemente is not sitting by the phone at Triple-A waiting for his shot. And therein lies the problem. The Pirates have officially lost their fans for the season, because, unlike in April, all hope has now officially been lost.

Let's start the countdown to Latrobe.

ARod-Jeter Break up, Pillow Fight League, Castillo vs Wilson, Chesney Not Gay, Stallone Mullet, Britney's Wig

Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter have broken up. That will be one tricky divorce settlement.

If you thought Shawn Chacon was unstoppable last year, just wait until you see his secret weapon in 2007: arthritis.

Welcome the newest pro sports organization...the Pillow Fight League. Pittsburgh was rumored to get a franchise, but our local officials can't put together a plan for a suitable Pillow Fighting arena.

There's another new league starting up...the Israel Baseball League. The Pirates are predicted to finish last in that league too.

Jack Wilson and Jose Castillo met privately to discuss Jack's comments a few weeks back. Jose basically said he doesn't care, and I'm not surprised. I don't think he really cares about much of anything.

Ron Cook says PSU basketball is abysmal, but does anyone care? Ron obviously has never met board regular Adam.

Dominic Rhodes got a DUI. He put some lives in danger, sure. But the important question is how this will affect the Colts backfield next season.

I received an email from artist Jim deMaine, who turns out to be the artist behind the Bill Cowher art featured recently. Jim offers a variety of original sports art, including various Steelers, MJ, Lance Armstrong, and many more. Check out his online store here for the full line.

Kenny Chesney says he's not gay, contrary to numerous reports by the Sports Pickle.

Ron Rivera goes from potential head coach to linebackers coach in a few short weeks. Time to fire that agent, Double R.

Michael Jordan is certainly not gay. In fact, he's so cool that his lady walks 10 paces behind him.

Here's a controversial list of the best sports movies ever. When I say controversial, I mean there are some absolute dogs here. Nacho Libre, Dodgeball, and in the top 10...Space Jam?

Corporate fat cats are jumping off the luxury box bandwagon. If there's one way to impress a client, it's feeling the electricity of a Pirate game.

Here's the most awesome sports moves ever. This list starts with charging the mound and ends with the Tiger Punch from Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Pathetic video game player as I was, I could never beat Tyson, even though my cousin could literally beat him with his eyes closed.

Sly Stallone is rocking the mullet while being busted with HGH. Hey, you have to keep up with Drago.

Sly may be mulletized, but at least he's not shaving his head and now wearing a wig, a la Britney. By the way, you can now buy Britney's hair for the low price of a million dollars.

Porter's Abs & Comments, Culpepper & Bagwell Done, Q&A with Gray, Kanye vs Evel, More Hornymanatee.com

NFL:
Joey Porter's abs are still in playoff form

On the topic of J-Pee, he apologized for his gay comments, but not to Kellen Winslow.

13 "Fascinating" matchups for Super Bowl XLI from Don Banks. And not one of them involves the Steelers.

Daunte Culpepper's season is officially over. Much like the Dolphins' playoff chances, as a result of Daunte Culpepper playing this season.

CBS Sportsline's Power Rankings have the Steelers #21. If we were playing blackjack, that would be fantastic. But we're playing football. And the #21 team usually doesn't make the playoffs.

OJ's If I Did It book is selling for $5,000+ on the black market. So if you make money off of a criminal making money, does it balance out, or are you even worse off?

MLB:
Pirates retain rights to Shawn Chacon and Humberto Cota. Phew! Thought they might lose them!

Jeff Bagwell will finally retire, joining his shoulder, which retired in 2004.

Mark McGwire wanted to retire to a lifetime of peace and tranquility. With that in mind, ESPN sent a reporter to try and track him down.

COLLEGE HOOPS:
A Q&A with Aaron Gray. Gray said he looks forward to making millions of dollars, buying a Bentley, and spending lots of time with groupies. Or not. I guess you have to click the link now.

RANDOM FUN STUFF:
The trailer for Seinfeld: The Horror Movie is finally up. A masterpiece.

Hornymanatee.com is profiled by the New York Times. And as of last night, Conan announced the site has had over 4 million hits in the first week.

A rap beef I'd never predict in 1,000 years: Kanye West vs. Evel Knievel.

A Velvet Underground record, purchased at a flea market for .75, fetches $155,401 on eBay.

Some info we could all use...what to eat and what to avoid at midnight.

Everybody Loves Raymond dad Peter Boyle passes away at the age of 71.

The Pirates Trade for ARod?

Here is another Reader Submission piece, this one from Pat B. Your feedback is always encouraged in the comments section.

Mr. Mondesi's House,

The Pittsburgh Pirates should trade for A-Rod.

Beaten down Bucco fan will say, "How can the Pirates afford A-Rod?" or "The Buccos have nothing to give the Yankees". But this deal of the century is possible only if McLittlefield Nutting sees how it can all come together.

I've seen that A-Rod's 2007 salary is $16-million dollars which is a huge amount of money in the world of the Pirates, but it seems much smaller when you consider the Buccos paid Burnitz, Randa, Casey, Marte, and Hernandez almost that much or more to sail on the 2006 Pirates' ship. One would suspect that A-Rod's production would eclipse the production of that group of superstars hired to bring the Pirates back to prominence in the less than glorious All-Star season.

A-Rod's long term salary may be too much for the Pirates to handle, but a two year rental of one of the games most talented players would be a hell of lot more fun then the annual signing of bottom of the barrel free agents.

Who do the Pirates give the Yankees? Here is the list of candidates:

Ian Snell - He is a productive, young starting pitcher. The type of guy that no longer inhabits the House that Ruth Built. Plus, he doesn't like Pittsburgh.

Salomon Torres - Proven veteran relief pitcher who can be made expendable by the development of Capps, Bayliss, and others.

Jose Castillo - The Yankees have done a nice job of taking infielders off the hands of the Pirates. See Enrique Wilson, Luis Sojo, and Charlie Hayes.

Sean Burnett, Jon Van Benschoten, and Brian Bullington- Maybe the Yankees can use a witch doctor to resurrect the dead arms of these former 1st round draft picks.

Shawn Chacon - In typical Pirate fashion, the Buccos could get absolutely nothing out of a trading deadline deal that saw an established veteran being moved to another team. Craig Wilson could have been given to the Yankees as a thank you gift for all of the revenue sharing money sent to the bank account of McLittlefield Nutting.

Send that conglomeration of talent to the Yankees for A-Rod, and the next thing you know the Pirates are holding a press conference announcing that they are instant contenders. A-Rod will be in a pressure free environment and he'll win the Triple Crown. The Pirates will finish 82-80 and they'll be in the wild card race until September 20th. Then two years later they can trade him to San Diego for Brian Giles who wants to finish his career in a Bucco uniform.

It will never happen,and I doubt that McLittlefield Nutting ever thought of something as creative as this.

Shawn Chacon is Now a True Pirate

Alex Rodriguez is the reigning American League MVP. He's played in the big leagues since 1994, is a career .305 hitter, and has 452 career home runs at the ripe age of 31. He has a contract worth over $250 million dollars. By all accounts, he will be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, lest his named be soiled by some sort of illegal substance in the future, which is doubtful.
Go back to Texas, or better yet, just drop dead

This is his third season as a member of the New York Yankees, where he moved to third base in order to facilitate a trade from the Texas Rangers in 2004. Yet, to this day, he is still not acknowledged as a "True" Yankee. He wasn't drafted by the Yankees, he wasn't developed by the Yankees, and he hasn't won a World Series with the Yankees. As far as Yankee followers go, winning the MVP doesn't count for anything. That was an individual honor. His presence has not equalled Yankee postseason success, so he is basically worthless until the point that he kisses a World Series trophy. Charlie Hayes would be a better third base choice if you asked Yankee fans.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006 was an eventful day. Maurice Clarett apparently was set to kill or be killed in Ohio; SI writer Rick Reilly stirred up talk shows nationwide with his column about a Pony League championship in Utah that involved the walking of the star hitter in order to face a cancer survivor; and the Pittsburgh Pirates lost to the Houston Astros by a count of 14-1.
If I was at the NFL draft and heard Denver make that pick, I would have thrown the old fantasy football classic "Coulda waited on that one" line to Mike Shanahan

But something bigger happened during the course of that game. What has eluded Alex Rodriguez for three seasons, Shawn Chacon was able to achieve in just his second outing as a Pirate starting pitcher.

Shawn Chacon became a True Pirate.

His statistics from this memorable outing? 1 2/3 innings pitched, 6 hits, 4 walks, 7 earned runs, and 3 home runs served up. 14 batters faced, and 10 of them reached base (.714). One of the home runs allowed was to pitcher Roy Oswalt, who received a curtain call. And now, according to Dejan Kovacevic, he is getting his knee examined.

Some of the True Yankees are usually identified as Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada, Bernie Williams, and before he left for the greener pastures of Houston, Andy Pettitte. These were the homegrown boys that did New York proud by bringing title after title home in the mid-to-late 90s. The aura surrounding the Yankees is that anything less than another World Series ring is a wasted season.

The Pirates have a bit of a different aura. Once players arrive from other MLB teams, or even from their own minor league system, they seem to fall victim to some sort of infection (often diagnosed as "losing") that sucks them in and depletes all discernable baseball skills. At that point, and only that point, can we recognize them as True Pirates. I believe Jason Kendall was usually the bearer of this news when he would welcome new players to town with his famous line of
"Welcome to Hell". This is the occasion we can now celebrate with Shawn Chacon's performance last night. Xavier Nady, you're next. Don't say we didn't warn you.



A True Pirate can have initial success, but eventually, they all come around. Zach Duke looked like a lefthanded Greg Maddux when he burst onto the scene in 2005. 8-2 in 14 starts, with a ridiculous 1.81 ERA! Fast forward to 2006, where he currently sits at 7-10, with a 5.36 ERA. Some theories blame pitching coach Jim Colborn for Duke's woes. But the true culprit is the infection.
Zach Duke, already showing the symptoms of being a True Pirate


Oliver Perez was the next Sandy Koufax, posting a 12-10 mark, with a 2.99 ERA and 239 strikeouts in 196 innings, in 2004. In 2005, the infection kicked in: a 5.85 ERA, 7 wins, 97 strikeouts in 103 innings, and one broken toe courtesy of a laundry cart that looked at him the wrong way. 2006 was even worse, with a 2-10 record and 6.63 ERA before being sent to the New York Mets. His current stats, even though he is no longer a Pirate, are even worse. But the infection is still in his system. Someday, he may be well again. But it may take a while.
Note the enlarged head, disproportionate to body size. Always a telltale sign of a True Pirate.

Chris Duffy had an amazing 2005 season. He batted .341 and had the look and feel of a guy who could lock down center field for a long time. He was a young, marketable player who the team thought so much of that he was the subject of the incredibly rare triple bobblehead doll earlier this season.

What happened next? He had a disappointing start to the 2006 campaign, went AWOL, talked about retiring, wished he was traded at the deadline, and currently sits with a .169 average at the exact same point (39 games) that he played in last season. Again, many fingers point to manager Jim Tracy for tinkering with Duffy's swing, but we all know that he may never recover from the infection. It affects you mentally as well as physically.
A porcelain memento of three True Pirates

I know that I'll read comments saying "What about Jason Bay?" or "You're wrong...just look at Freddy Sanchez!". And you will be right, because they have played at an All Star level. But trust me, sooner or later, they will all succumb. This is a Jedi-like force. It is strong. And we can only hope that one day, we will have a cure. Until then, imported players will all eventually earn their badges as True Pirates.

The Ticket Scalper Who Sells After Kickoff

Have you ever gone to a big Steeler game and saw hopeful fans poking around the Heinz Field parking lot looking for tickets after kickoff? They're looking for a bargain. The scalper usually is desperate and doesn't want to eat the tickets, so he starts slashing prices to try and salvage some cash. At this point, it's a buyer's market; they have all the leverage over the seller.

Are you familiar with Dave Littlefield? He's the General Manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

What do these have to do with each other? Plenty, my fellow long-suffering Bucco fans. Through hours of research at the Mondesi's House Supercomputer, I have concluded that Dave Littlefield is MLB's version of the ticket scalper who waits too long to sell his tickets, thus losing most of their value.
Dave Littlefield was a busy man yesterday

Today was the Super Bowl, or in baseball GM terms, the trading deadline. Littlefield did not hold four tickets to a luxury box. But his tickets would certainly get you into the game. There were willing buyers for his tickets, but during the entire pregame, he was asking too much. By the time he was ready to sell, fair offers were few and far between. So what was our scalper able to accomplish at the last minute today?

DEAL 1:
Dave the Scalper is offering one Craig Wilson.

Some call him Thor. Some call him Chris Griffin. Some say he drinks too much Pepsi.




All of these have some degree of truth. But Craig Wilson certainly had to have a greater value than Shawn Chacon. He's the newest addition to the Pirates' stable of horses. Chacon is truly amazing. How many MLB pitchers can say they had a 7.11 ERA in 2004 and a 7.00 ERA in 2006 and still occupy a roster spot?


Future much-maligned Pirate Shawn Chacon

Face Value of Craig Wilson: $100. Final Sale Price: $10

DEAL 2:
Dave the dealin' man has one Sean Casey. He paid a premium price and wants to move on this ASAP.

Anyone want to take a bath with Sean?

Casey was one of the faces of the 2006 Pirates, so it's incredibly appropriate that he was sent packing. Management could count on Casey for filming TV ads with Maz, a popular bobblehead night, and always having a smile on his face. Management could also count on Casey for one home run every 71 at-bats while earning $8.5 million. Dave wanted out from under this deal.

Today, the Pirates sent sent Casey to the Detroit Tigers in an attempt to have Upper St. Clair represented in the 2006 World Series. Deadline Dave dealt him for Brian Rogers, a pitcher currently in AA. Apparently he drank too much of the Tigers' Kool-Aid and is trying to get his life in order.

Face value of Sean Casey: $40. Final sale price: $5

Deal 3:
Our fearless scalper is holding one Kip Wells. Again, not the most valuable seat in the house, but still holds some value. Kip's clock is ticking. Dave wants to sell.

Kip Wells injures shoulder after hitting
Tom Gorzelanny with shaving cream pie

Wells was the Kordell Stewart of the Pirates. His good days were really good, like that time he struck out 27 Phillies in one game last year. His bad days made you want to dump your $6 beer on him a la Kordell.

Kip Dynamite gets sent home to Texas, who also acquired Matt Stairs. Add those guys in with Gary Matthews Jr., and you're 3/25 of the way home to a Pirate Oldtimer's Squad. In return, your Bucs will receive pitcher Jesse Chavez, who I believe is the son of boxer Julio Cesar Chavez. If only he was the son of Roberto Duran, I could say "no mas" to these Littlefield deals.

Roberto Duran, retired boxer and one half of Duran Duran

Face value of Kip Wells: $20. Final sale price: $3

Deal 4:
Dave has two more he wants to package up to one buyer, so it's BOGO time. Buy a Roberto Hernandez, get an Oliver Perez for free.

Pittsburgh Laundry Carts no longer must fear for their lives. The Oliver Perez era is now over.

It's OK, you don't have to hide anymore.

For Hernandez's sake, I hope he gets to the World Series. With his appearance in Pittsburgh, he has fufilled the MLB tour of duty, playing for the Pirates, Devil Rays, and Royals in his career. It's only fair that he gets a shot at a ring.

In the place of Perez and Hernandez, the Pirates receive Xavier Nady, who was a target of the Pirates several years back. Much like their once-failed pursuit of Jeromy Burnitz which ultimately came to fruition years later, I'm sure this will end well.

Face value of Hernandez and Perez: $110. Final sale price: $30


So Dave started the day with $270, and he ended up with $48. Had he waited until season's end, his $270 would be worth $0. So yes, he managed to get something. But the other scalpers out there, especially in Washington, D.C., did a much better job of unloading their wares at the appropriate time.