TODAY'S HEADLINES

The Pittsburgh Pirates and their ridiculously-low $35 million payroll open the 2010 regular season at PNC Park today against Joe Torre, Manny Ramirez, Mr. Rihanna (Matt Kemp, shown below grabbing her butt) and the L.A. Dodgers at 1:35 p.m. 

Your pitching matchup is Vincente Padilla (12-6, 4.46 in 2009) against Zach Duke (11-16, 4.06). Win today and we're one step closer to that 81-win euphoria. [PG]

Jamie and Ali McMutrie, the two Ben Avon women who heroically rescued 53 children from the Port-Au Prince Haiti Orphanage, will be throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at PNC today. Hopefully they'll refrain from a Michael Keaton-esque rant on the state of the  franchise. [PittsburghPirates.com, PG]

Latrobe Begins...Pirate Season Officially Over

Today the Pittsburgh Steelers will report to Latrobe for their first training camp under Mike Tomlin. As we know, training camp is an important annual occasion on the Pittsburgh sports calendar. While not officially a recognized holiday in the region YET, it does signal the beginning of one season (football) and the end of another (baseball). And what better way to officially end another year of losing baseball than a 1-0 loss to the 42-56 Houston Astros? Might I add that the Buccos managed just five hits and no runs in eights innings against Woody "4-11, 5.37 ERA" Williams on Sunday? Sure, why not! Why not end the season with a bang?

Sunday's game was the kind that makes a good player go bad, in the words of Jay-Z and Rihanna. Human Youman threw eight innings of four-hit ball, allowing one run. And he got the loss. Welcome to Pittsburgh, or Hell, as Jason Kendall once called it. We Will: Mentally Beat Down Our Few Successful Players.

In other Pirate news, the team is actively trying to trade Jack Wilson onto the Toronto Blue Jays. Whenever Jack Wilson gets dealt, I want everyone to remember this quote given by Dave Littlefield the day that the Buccos traded for Cesar Izturis:

"This has nothing to do with Jack Wilson," Littlefield said.

I'm hoping to make that quote the Pittsburgh equivalent of Nick Saban's "I'm not going to be the Alabama coach." Please, please, please stop lying to us, Mr. Littlefield. We can handle the truth. Stop playing us for fools. Your fan base is not simply made up of the families of four who come on Sundays and let their kids run the bases after the game. There are some actual baseball fans left in Pittsburgh. Few, but still some nonetheless.

The Pirates sit just a game out of last place at 41-56. Adam LaRoche and Jason Bay, the centerpieces of the lineup, now have twin .246 averages. There are no regulars batting higher than .295. Yes, it's a great time to start talking about fantasy drafts, two-a-days, and Sharky's Cafe. Football season has arrived, my friends. It's time to make a smooth transition away from Armas, Paulino and Duke and into Roethlisberger, Polamalu and Parker. This could be the most entertaining training camp we've ever seen. Let's make this segue as seamless as possible.

The Maxim 100 List

The topic du jour is Maxim's Hot 100 list, a pop culture event/publicity stunt that results in TV shows and blogs talking about Maxim for a few days as if these rankings meant anything. That being said, let's discuss these as if these rankings meant anything. What else are we going to talk about...another crappy Pirate game last night? The reading on Alan Faneca's mood ring this hour?

Of note from this year's list:

The possible "future Mrs. Roethlisberger", Missy Peregrym, checks in at #54...a few spots ahead of Jamie-Lynn Sigler, last week's rumored Roethlisberger love interest.

Should have worn a #7 jersey, Missy.

The Pittsburgh-hating Sienna Miller, the only member of this club to be named after a crayon, shows up at #11. Miller's 2005 appearance on the list ranked her at #48. So is it same to assume her anti-Burgh rant helped her in the polls?

On the banned list at Folino's Young's Tavern

#10 seemed high for the Black Eyed Peas' Fergie, considering she pees her pants

If peeing your pants is cool, consider Fergie Miles Davis

Joe Hardy Birthday Entertainment and Pittsburgh's own XTina checks in at 4.

No, I can't marry you, Mr. Hardy.

And your 2007 Maxim 100 winner, Lindsay Lohan! She puts away coke like no other winner before her!

Unlike Donald Trump's Miss USA Pageant, the Maxim 100 has no morals issues

Here's the entire list. Have some fun with it, count the number of people you've never heard of. I counted 18.

1. Lindsay Lohan 2. Jessica Alba 3. Scarlett Johansson 4. Christina Aguilera 5. Jessica Biel 6. Ali Larter 7. Eva Mendez 8. Rihanna 9. Eva Longoria 10. Fergie

11. Sienna Miller 12. Angelina Jolie 13. Beyonce Knowles 14. Katherine Heigl 15. Avril Lavigne 16. Ashlee Simpson 17. Maria Sharapova 18. Megan Fox 19. Cameron Diaz

20. Keira Knightley 21. Kate Beckinsale 22. Nicole Scherzinger 23. Hilary Duff 24. Sophia Bush 25. Elisha Cuthbert 26. Nelly Furtado 27. Kate Hudson 28. Carmen Electra 29. Sarah Silverman

30. Rebecca Romijn 31. Amy Smart 32. Lacey Chabert 33. Roselyn Sanchez 34. Vanessa Minnillo 35. Jennifer Garner 36. Jamie King 37. Ashley Olsen 38. Shakira 39. Rachel Bilson

40. Moon Bloodgood 41. Jessica Simpson 42. Minka Kelly 43. Kate Mara 44. Rose McGowan 45. Bar Refaeli 46. Kristen Bell 47. Katharine McPhee 48. Mandy Moore 49. Mischa Barton

50. Miss Maxim 51. Alessandra Ambrosio 52. Kate Walsh 53. Adriana Lima 54. Missy Peregrym 55. Halle Berry 56. Michele Merkin 57. Tricia Helfer 58. Penelope Cruz 59. Jamie-Lynn Sigler

60. Jessica White 61. Nadine Velazquez 62. Danneel Harris 63. Bianca Kajlich 64. Lena Headey 65. Autumn Reeser 66. Joanna Krupa 67. Gabrielle Union 68. Evangeline Lilly 69. Danica Patrick

70. Stacy Keibler 71. Willa Ford 72. Ciara 73. Mena Suvari 74. Tara Conner 75. April Scott 76. Diora Baird 77. Hilary Burton 78. Joss Stone 79. Adrianne Palecki

80. Abbie Cornish 81. Emmanuelle Chriqui 82. Dita Von Teese 83. Ivanka Trump 84. Hometown Hottie 85. Kelly Ripa 86. Michelle Trachtenberg 87. Padma Lakshmi 88. Raquel Alessi 89. Haylie Duff

90. Salma Hayek 91. Isla Fisher 92. Mary Elizabeth Winstead 93. Christina Milian 94. Kelly Carlson 95. The Avatars of Second Life 96. Shanna Moakler 97. Kim Kardashian 98. Yunjin Kim 99. Mia Maestro 100. Noureen DeWolf