THE NEWS

--William H. was the winner of last week's link contest. He gets a copy of Kenny Mayne's new book for his efforts. This week's prize: an authentic autograph card from Pittsburgh Penguin BROOKS ORPIK!

--NO, I am not posting Deadspin's pictures of Santonio Holmes all nude, tastefully done (in the words of Kevin Garnett). But thanks for asking.

--Don't forget to vote today! Here's a quick link to find your polling place.


--Did you catch Lt. Governor Catherine Baker-Knoll's intercepted-microphone trick and subsequent attack on Dan Onorato and Luke Ravenstahl at a Clinton rally? If you did, no sweat: there's video.

--Happy Earth Day. Is it still relevant?

--The Pirates dropped their sixth in a row, a 10-4 loss to Florida. Matt Morris was lit up for eight runs in four innings, Adam LaRoche was 0-for-4, and Nate McLouth had another hit. So it was pretty much the same as every other Pirate game this year.

--Reader Art sends over a photo of Matt Morris' Pirate career. Dead-on. It's been so bad that we're already hearing the "why don't you buy him out" idea floated.

--DJ Gallo shows that Pittsburgh is so good, they donate champions.

--Pittsburgh is growing on Marian Hossa, but someone has to shut up Ronald Petrovicky. You'll just have to read the article.

--Joe Starkey suggests that JoePa should move to the booth. Now that's a good idea.

--I've seen many an autograph in my day, and Lawrence Timmons may have the worst (and laziest) of all time.

--I loved how the Blue Jays brass discussed Frank Thomas' recent release: "He handled it with class, and I appreciate that," said GM J.P. Ricciardi.

Funny, when you consider Thomas' quotes: "Sixty at-bats isn't enough to make that decision. I'm angry, I know I can help this team. My career isn't going to end like this." Plus the little note that Thomas did not shake hands with teammates following a 3-2 win over Detroit on Saturday.

If that's not classy, I don't know what is.

--The Canadiens eliminated the Bruins in a Game 7 last night, so Bill Simmons can jump back off the bandwagon.

--Mel Kiper vows to quit if Matt Ryan drops below #8. Please, NFL GMs, make this happen.

--Could Billy Packer be gone as well?

--Here's a middle finger for Hank Steinbrenner.

--The Pirates' change in atmosphere explained pictorally.

--It's David Beckham's week - in two photos.

--A fistfight erupted at the site of Jesus' tomb on Orthodox Palm Sunday.

--Bad news: pump prices hit a new high and are headed higher.

A LIST OF TODAY'S TOP LISTS
10 films that threatened planet Earth

12 greatest 'Idol' successes

A Gallery of Fake Atari Covers

7 Greatest Home Shopping Screw Ups of All Time

The 25 Worst Rappers Of All-Time

10 hot home-office jobs

300 Movies You Must See Before You Die (a must-click)

GOT NEWS? EMAIL IT TO MONDESISHOUSE@GMAIL.COM.

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SCRAWLER: FIVE REASONS TO LOVE/LOATHE THE NFL DRAFT

By The Backyard Scrawler
backyardscrawl@gmail.com

For someone who fancies Pittsburgh sports talk at the water cooler by day and on the bar stool by night, a passerby posed a question to me the other day that stopped me dead in my tracks:
“So who do you think they’ll get in the second round?”

“Hmmmm…”

I was aghast, not knowing whether to slap this person for asking such a presumptuous question or bear-hug him in hopes of consoling each other’s obsession over predicting next week’s NFL Draft. I mean, for the love of Mel Kiper, how on earth can you guess who the Steelers are going to take with the 53rd overall pick if you don’t know who they are selecting at 23? But if you’ve determined picks 1 through 52 off the top of your head then, boy, I must salute your savvy fanhood.

To play along I started spitting out some scenarios that involved Boston College OT Gosder Cherilus in the first round and Maryland DT Dre Moore in the second. You know, if they are both available.

It was only then my curious inquisitor crinkled his brow and interrupted me as if we were speaking in different tongues.

“No, the Penguins, who do you think they’ll play in the next round?”

Forgive me, Mark Madden, for I have sinned. How could my Pittsburgh sporting interest wander astray at time when my local hockey teams needs my undivided attention? This is the exact type of sentiment that will carry a three-hour Junker & Crow “Jagoff of the Week” show on ESPN Radio, so I’ll spare you the drivel. But it seems nowadays you are scorned in this town, at least on talk radio and in the blogosphere, for thinking the Steelers are relevant in the offseason with all the Penguins success.

Anyway, there are a lot of mixed feelings on the NFL Draft, though the TV ratings say otherwise. In the spirit of that, here are Five Reasons to Love and Loathe the NFL Draft.

Five Reasons to Love the NFL Draft

No. 1: Everyone’s an Arm-Chair General Manager

Sports fans thrive on debates. Who your team should select is the penultimate discussion. Add in the incremental clues as other teams make their selections and one could turn their living room into a “war room.” The reasons shows like American Idol are so popular is that they enable viewers to become “experts” and discuss who they think should be picked. Although imagine having delusional contestants show up at the Combine only to throw a fit when they are told they aren’t draft-worthy. Or, image having Steeler Nation text “OT or DT” during the Draft to determine the pick. Who needs Kevin Colbert?

No. 2: Hello, My Name is: BUST

Knowing what a player’s strengths and weaknesses are before they enter the league is a good way stroke one’s fanhood. With all the magazines and talk on Draft day you already have a reason to throw beer on your first-round quarterback. I mean, obviously he is no good because of his poor footwork and those small hands of his. Seriously, though, it’s nice to be familiar with every player that enters the league and for most of them the introduction comes from the Draft day analysis.

No. 3: Roll The Tape!

For those with short attention spans and mild forms of ADHD, having someone spoon-feed you some of the best highlight-reel plays from the 2007 college football season is a soothing football fix, particularly in April. As soon as a player’s name is read off that 4-x-6 card you get to see a montage of some monstrous Big Ten offensive tackle pancaking every slap-dick defensive tackle in the MAC, or perhaps an SEC defensive tackle man-handling some poor sap from the Sun Belt. Back when LaVar Arrington was drafted you couldn’t get enough of his flying squirrel tackles.

No. 4: Hurts So Good

There’s nothing like watching a grown man lose millions of dollars in signing bonuses or even his job on live television. Last year was no different. With all the egos in sports you gotta take pleasure in seeing a can’t-miss prospect with that dopey looking on his face waiting for his cell phone to ring while sitting in the green room by his lonesome, or at least with his girlfriend for bloggers to ogle. And then there’s watching a team draft a player to supplant the aging has-been, especially when that soon-to-be-released player has to analyze the pick like Keyshawn Johnson did for the Panthers’ selection of Dwayne Jarrett last year. Sure, Keyshawn, you can teach him a thing or two.

No. 5: Hope Springs Eternal

Though analysts may issues letter grades and winners and losers, nobody really loses on Draft day. Even if you are a fan of the Cleveland Browns you’ve got be excited about your team’s prospects. That punch-in-the-gut feeling you have while driving home from the stadium after your team is eliminated from playoff contention and you realize that none of your draft picks can play dead in a Western … that’s month away from now. On Draft day, we hope!

Five Reasons to Loathe Draft Day

No. 1: Just Give Roger the Stinking Card Already!!!

The first round of the 1972 draft lasted just two hours while last year’s first round was a six-hour, eight-minute marathon. Heck, most hostage situations that don’t last that long! (Ain’t that right, Cedrick Wilson?) No wonder there is talk about moving the Draft to Friday night and cutting Commissioner Roger Goodell’s trips to the podium from 15- to 10-minute intervals in the first round.

No. 2: What The Mel?

When a “sporting event” is based solely on projections, opinions and a little bit of transactions, voices are all too important. And every April we sit down and think what Mel Kiper, Jr. tells us to think. This slick-haired soothsayer is the Dalai Lama of the NFL Draft. When he goes on sports talk shows the hosts give him verbal back rubs for his vast knowledge. But the real question is: If Mel ever gets sick, will the Draft go on?

No. 3: He’s Hot, He’s Cold

The posturing that goes on between general managers and agents brings out the worst in Draft reporting. The Sporting News touched on this in this week’s issue when they mentioned how Minnesota Vikings GM Rick Spielman went on a sports radio show last year and quipped that there’s a rumor out on Adrian Peterson. “He needs shoulder surgery. Spread that around.” And, sure enough, a report surfaced that Peterson needed surgery. It’s frustrating to see players’ “stock” rise and fall when none of them play a down of football all because teams are baiting-and-switching teams to trade while keeping a poker face. That’s understandable. But when we see guys like Tennessee LB Jerod Mayo climb Kiper’s “Big Board” at the last minute you got to think Kiper’s palms are being greased by player’s agent.

No. 4: Ghosts in Pac-Man’s Closet

When Pac-Man Jones was about to be drafted in the first round out of West Virginia an NFL team sent someone knocking on the front door of Pac-Man’s next-door neighbor in Morgantown and, without an introduction, began interrogating the young woman with questions like “What time does he usually come in at night?” or “Are there loud parties and disturbances next door?” Either that person was not from the Titans or Pac-Man lived next to Helen Keller. Teams have to alter there Draft picks because of off-the-field concerns and it really skews the entire Draft process.

No. 5: Just Read All About It

The Draft produces a list of teams and names. You can read the complete list in the agate section of the next day’s newspaper so why waste an entire day WATCHING it? That’s not to say you shouldn’t watch the Pirate game on Saturday and only read the box score in the Sunday paper. But imagine if a Pirate game was simply Lanny Frattare walking up to home plate and reading an entry from his scorecard every 15 minutes. Now that would be easier to mock than a stupid Draft.

Backyard Scrawler: Scouting Combine is No Beauty Contest

by The Backyard Scrawler

backyardscrawl@gmail.com

The NFL Combine is the one week when general managers leave the film room –– after looking at NFL hopefuls’ “body of work” –– and take a long look at the players’ actual bodies. Throw in a motor-skill rally and a few Double Dare physical challenges and you have yourself the NFL Scouting Combine.

The trees of this spectacle are the evaluation of players, but the forest, well, looking at this event from afar can seem rather farcical. Ed Bouchette compared the event in last week’s Post-Gazette to a kennel club dog show only without a Best in Show award. Kansas City Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, while lounging in his 40-yard line seat during the NFL Network’s wall-to-wall telecast, compared the event to the swimsuit competition of a beauty pageant.

The titillating commentary was borderline homoerotic. No, make that a standing broad jump over that line. A jaw-dropped Jamie Dukes did his best Kevin Arnold-gawking-at-Winnie Cooper line (“… and look at the body on this guy”) when Kellen Davis of Michigan State stepped up to the vertical jump platform. Michael Silver of Yahoo! Sports fetched some good quotes from the Market’s finest Meat in his column about the televised weigh-ins: “I felt like I was a model for Fruit of the Loom,” said former USC offensive lineman Chilo Rachal. “I don’t care if they want to (talk about my butt), as long as they don’t touch me in that way,” said ex-UTEP tackle Oniel Cousins.

All in all, the last “sporting event” in RCA Dome history was fun to watch. Perhaps having a Hulk Hogan-type sideline reporter force the players into awkward moments of American Gladiator trash talk would help. As far as the information value, you would think with 430 media members, 1,900 team personnel and 334 players present we’d all have a unified Mock Drafts after this week (more on that later). Instead, we’ll have to wait to see where free agents land as well as where potential draftees slide on the Arabus of “stock rising” or “stock falling.”

Here are a few notes and musings from watching the NFL Combine and scouring a few draft web sites:

Darren McFadden, who ran a 4.27 in the 40, is doing his best to prove to everyone that he is the next Travis Henry.

Bill Polian prescribes to the Mo’ Draft Picks, Mo’ Problems axiom.

Perhaps Combine-snub and former WVU defensive lineman Keilen Dykes was not invited for fear that Rich Eisen, at his wife’s request, would have to use the same dirty word that got his scantily-clad e-mail buddy in trouble.

After watching the NFL Network gush over Marshall Faulk during last season’s Steelers-Rams game, the Faulk lovefest continued over the weekend when he made an appearance on set complete with footage of his first game played in the RCA Dome. (The only thing Faulk brought was a mildly funny Price is Right reference when calling a player-on-the-rise a “Yodeler.”)

Steelers director of football operations Kevin Colbert is not the most revealing sound bite (take his first-round mantra of “anyone except a quarterback or a tight end” the last two years). However, some interesting Colbert blurbs appeared on the web:

NFLdraftscout.com asked him about draft mistakes: “Usually when we go back and try to figure out why a certain player failed or try to find a commonality, it’s usually something we knew about and we took the player anyway.” Colbert also told Rivals.com about what he looks for in a quarterback and why he doesn’t even remember what Big Ben did in his Combine workout.

I got a kick out of how Mike Mayock, the Mel Kiper of the NFL Combine, totally pigeonholed every player at the Combine with positive/negative labels that scrolled at the bottom of the screen during the NFL Network telecast. For example, “Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt: Positive: Finesse Blocker / Negative: Needs to Get Physical.” That could be the worse thing to call any lineman, but Mayock still raved about him.

Here are some of my favorite of the “Positive” variety …

Branden Albert: “Specimen”

Roy Schuening: “Good in a Phonebooth” (This guy may by Superman but he sure looked like

John Belushi from Animal House at the Combine.)

Trevor Laws: “Energizer Bunny”

Curtis Lofton: “Downhill Thumper”

Calais Campbell: “Vines for Arms” (Didn’t he play in Little Shop of Horrors?)

Phillip Merling: “Complete Player” (Then why was there a negative?)

Matt Ryan: “Off-the-Chart Intangibles” (This is either redundant or illogical since only tangibles can be charted.)

Kory Lichtensteiger: “Nasty Attitude”

Dustin Keller: “Rocked-Up WR”

Tyrell Johnson: “Tough-in-the-Box SS” (His girlfriend would call that a negative)

… And here are some amusing “Negatives”

Ryan Clady: “Hand Placement” (Needs to practice on that Twister mat)

Darren McFadden: “Legs Dead on Contact”

Sedrick Ellis: “Gets Washed Easily”

Kenny Phillips: “Not Ed Reed”

Curtis Lofton: “Short & Tight-Hipped” (Also a big no-no in the Amish community for child-rearing)

Xavier Abidi: “P.O.A. Issues” (This means Point Of Attack but for some players this could mean Power Of Attorney)

For those wondering who the Draftnik “experts” think the Steelers are going to take in the first round, it’s anybody’s guess. In sampling 25 draft web sites –– and I’m sure there are plenty more –– the resounding opinion is offensive tackle. While some haven’t been updated since the Max Starks news broke, here are the picks. Take them for what little they are worth:

Six for Branden Albert, OG/OT, Virginia:

(nfldraftcountdown.com, nflsmackdown.com, eastcoastsportsnews.com, prodraftguide.com, nfldraftdog.com, draftheadquarters.com).

Five for Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt: (thefootballexpert.com, footballthoughts.com, insidetheeagles.com, qisports.com, condraft.com).

Four for Jeff Otah, OT, Pitt (fftoolbox.com, scout.com, walterfootball.com, draftinsiders.com).

Some others include Miami DE Calais Campbell (draftking.com, mynfldraft.com, phinphanatic.com), Arkansas RB Felix Jones (nfldraftblitz.com), USC OT Sam Baker (nfldraftscout.com), USC OLB Keith Rivers (draftace.com), Boise State OT Ryan Clady (draftking.com), LSU DE Tyson Jackson (warroomreport.com).

We’ll have more coverage of “Who the Steelers are Going to Draft” in future posts once the remaining stool samples from the Combine are thoroughly analyzed.

Heinz vs the Colts, LaRoche Mania, Lebron Roast, Cold Pizza Moving, New Paris Tapes

NFL:

Check out a site called Nothin But the Truth written by a very talented writer named Eddie Gallo. This feature is his thoughts on the Mike Tomlin hire. Very good stuff!

Is Heinz really trying to bully the Indianapolis Colts and a small ketchup company?

MLB:

LaRoche Mania comes to PirateFest this weekend. I think the sky is the limit for the Pirates with LaRoche in the lineup. Is 110 wins too much to expect? In other news, McNutting, Littlefield, and Tracy will all be on hand to mingle with fans, answer questions, and presumably to reiterate their "commitment to winning".

Sammy Sosa is ready to finalize his deal with the Rangers. Thank you for this gold mine of new material, Jon Daniels (he's the GM of the Rangers who's signing off on Slammin' Sammy).

Looks like the Buccos aren't going to sign Jeff Weaver. And I am glad. That just looked like something out of those old SNL "Bad Idea Jeans" ads.

SI.com gives us the weaknesses of all 30 MLB teams. Except for the Yankees. They're flawless.

NBA:

Much like Pam Anderson, Hugh Hefner, and Bill Shatner, Lebron James will be the subject of a roast

MEDIA:

Competition for the Trenni photo on eBay: the elusive signed 8x10 of FSN's Rob King.

Mel Kiper: Scout for the porn industry?

ESPN2's Cold Pizza is moving from NYC to Bristol. Check out this quote from the article: "Way back when, a Bristol tipster told us the show had affectionately been dubbed ‘Vietnam’ because ESPN has no idea how it got into this mess, and also has no exit plan."

RANDOM FUN STUFF:

What's on the new round of Paris Hilton tapes? Your answers are just a click away.

Mel Kiper, College Football Expert

One of these days, I'm finally going to activate the Sirius radio I got for Christmas last year. It only took me until this Thursday to make the trek to Best Buy to get it installed (hey, Mondesi is a busy guy!). When I got there, I was greeted by a tent village of video game nerds/entrepreneurs waiting to buy a Playstation 3 on Friday. Of course, the units are selling on ebay for $1200-$1600, so maybe they're smarter than all of us. But I digress...

I really wish I had been listening to Sirius instead of subjecting myself to the double segment of Mel Kiper on The Felix and Oscar (oops, I mean "Mike and Mike") show on ESPN Radio Friday morning. To describe what was running through my head after the Kiper bit, I can only quote Adam Sandler's teach in Billy Madison after an inane, rambling book report: "Everyone is now dumber for having heard that."

I've held back on my BCS thoughts, mainly because they've been so over-covered by every other sports program to this point (as if they don't cover the other things I usually write about). But I finally reached my boiling point on Friday.

The man who is praised for his inside and out knowledge of college football (such as his ranking of WR Mike Williams as the top player in the NFL draft last year), graced us with his thoughts on the state of the college football postseason.

My favorite Kiper comment on justifying the omission of Rutgers from the national championship: "If Rutgers were in the SEC, they would probably lose about 2-3 games."

No kidding? And if my aunt had a weiner, she'd be my uncle.

Kiper might be right. Rutgers might be 9-3 in the SEC. Of course, they might also go 12-0 in the SEC. But here's the neat thing: they're not in the SEC. They're in the Big East. And the last time I checked, the Big East was one of six conferences locked into at least one BCS berth. And college ADs from these conferences all signed off on this agreement.

The venom spewed upon Rutgers is not fair. If these coaches, ADs, and critics have a problem, they should look in the mirror. It is simply the program they agreed to playing out in front of them. The rules are the rules. If they don't make sense, then change the system. But in 2006, you play by the rules in place. So spare me the tears for Texas fans. Go back to losing to Kansas State and then re-organize your argument on how you're one of the top two teams in the country.

A few years ago, people complained about "the Tuck Rule" in the Raiders-Patriots playoff game. The refs made the right call, but it was a bad rule. The same intelligence should be applied here. If any team from a "Power Conference" (as per their inclusion) runs the table, they should have a shot to win the national title. Period.

The Big East bashing has reached record heights in the past few weeks. Yet a glance at the top 10 shows 3 Big East, 3 SEC, 2 Big 10, 1 Pac 10, and 1 Elitist Who Doesn't Have to Join a Conference. Not mentioned in the top 10 is the "always-better-than-the-Big East" conferenecs, the ACC and Big 12. But that's because their conferences are so strong, they always knock each other off, remember? That and the fact that the Big East totally dominated the ACC in head-to-head games this year. Remember Louisville over Miami, WVU over Maryland, Pitt over UVa, Rutgers over UNC? I'm sure you do, because I wrote about it on October 5. Re-reading that article, I can tell you that Kirk Herbstreit has since come around as a Big East fan, but many of his colleagues are still lagging far behind.

I'm always interested to hear the arguments for teams other than Rutgers to make the national championship game. For instance, I keep hearing the case for USC. Wait, is this the same USC that just lost to an unranked Oregon State? Thought so.

Then I hear "Notre Dame could sneak in..." Notre Dame's best wins are over a #18-ranked Georgia Tech and an unranked Penn State. They got absolutely waxed by Michigan, they should have lost to a 4-7 Michigan State team, and they barely survived against a 5-5 UCLA team. They have three games against service academies. I don't know what you see, but to me, that's not too impressive of a resume. And what, they're supposed to leapfrog the loser of OSU/Michigan? So if Michigan loses, they would be behind Notre Dame, who they crushed?

Or how about Arkansas, who opened the season by losing to the above mentioned USC, 50-14? But that was since forgotten, because in happened way back on September 2. And Florida, they're such a great team, they had to block three kicks to survive against 5-5 South Carolina at home?

Rutgers may not be a sexy pick, but they just beat the #3 team in the country, and have a pending meeting with another top-10 team on December 2. If no one had a problem placing Louisville or WVU in the national championship, why would they have one with Rutgers, who could potentially knock off both of them? As you can see, the argument over college football is like a dog chasing its tail...so frustrating.

What's really funny is that people love to see the underdog in college basketball (anyone remember George Mason? Anyone?), but on the other hand, will do anything in their power to diminish the accomplishments of a college football underdog. The country is acting like having Rutgers in the national championship would be some sort of American tragedy. Yet George Mason in the Final Four is celebrated ad nauseam for having knocked off Goliath after Goliath. Does this make a lick of sense to anyone? It's just a football game, people. It's not the end of the world. The sun will still rise the day after Rutgers would play in the national championship.

The root of the evil is the system in football. It has spoiled the Texases, the Penn States, the Notre Dames of the world, that get extra points on history alone with certain voters. That was another argument I've heard against Rutgers: "they just haven't been on the national scene long enough..." So I guess Greg Schiano will have to coach until he's 79 to get the respect his program deserves in 2006. Any sport that relies so much on the human element is seriously flawed. That would be like letting Peter King's Fine Fifteen dictate who would play in the Super Bowl. And I doubt Steeler fans would have agreed that Indianapolis would have made a better AFC representative.

The people who run college football are some of the worst on planet Earth. Collectively, they are possibly the biggest group of hypocrites gathered into one industry. Their arguments against a playoff have always been about "missing class time". So explain why they added another week to the season this year? Why do some conferences add a championship game onto that? Why can playoffs work on every other level of college football---do those players not go to class? What about March Madness...is that a time when a lot of schoolwork is being done?

I'll give you the explanation for my questions: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

The truth is that companies like Tostitos, Allstate, Toyota, Capital One, and Outback really control college football. Without the bowl season, where do all those sponsorship dollars go? Obviously, the powers that be haven't figured out a way to keep everyone happy. So be prepared to live with these inane arguments every week instead of actually playing the games people want to see. And to Rutgers, just keep winning. A bunch of angry New York/New Jersey fans and media will certainly help your cause to be noticed. In the meantime, I'll be busy activating my Sirius radio. I'll miss you, Mel.