Big Lead Sports Bar


Pierogis: Top 10 Athletes Accused of Using the Juice

This week we’re going to keep the heat coming with the Top 10 Athletes Accused of Using the Juice.

Disclaimer: The views expressed by Diego and Big Snack are solely that - our opinions. Neither Diego nor Big Snack have any facts, evidence, court documents, secret tapes, Miller Lite cans, or DNA filled cotton swabs and needles to prove otherwise. Enjoy.

10. Marion Jones, Track Star

Just goes to show you that steroids aren’t limited to male athletes; females can be cheaters too. Marion Jones is a star in a sport that is notorious for accusations of performance enhancing drugs. She had broader shoulders than most dudes I knew who are actually on steroids, so I was pretty sure she was doing something illegal. Doping ultimately led to check fraud scandal, perjury charges, her returning all her Olympic medals (and all the guilt and shame that goes along with that), and jail time. Looks like hooking up with BALCO really worked out for you, Marion.

9. Bo Jackson- Multi-Sport Athlete Football & Baseball

Bo Jackson is the man. He has won the 1985 Heisman trophy and he's excelled in both the NFL and MLB. But in 2005, he was wrongly accused by a publication of taking steroids. They later retracted their story and apologized after he filed a defamation lawsuit against them. Bo was also once quoted as saying “Back before I injured my hip, I thought going to the gym was for wimps.” And who didn’t love the whole Bo Knows campaign? I know I did.

So if he beat a steroid accusation, never tested positive for drugs, and adamantly denied steroid use, why would I put him on here? Exhibit A, ladies and gentleman – no one has ever drug tested "Tecmo Bowl" Bo Jackson…

8. Chuck Noll’s Steelers

We feel bad for even including these guys on this list, as they’ve been an inspiration to us all with their four Super Bowl rings, but we figured if we’re going to run our mouths about other teams (as we did here), we had to keep it real about ours. Keep in mind though, it wasn’t cheating back then (at least in the NFL rulebook), so in a way I guess you could call them pioneers. They may have had a little extra help, but who hasn’t? The winners of three of the last seven Super Bowls got caught cheating, so what’s to say the others weren’t tainted as well? Just a thought…

7. Rafael Palmeiro, Baseball

Rafael “I’m only addicted to Viagra” Palmeiro is probably more well known for his commercials for the male enhancement product than for his play in baseball - amazing, considering he's a member of the elite 3,000-hit/500-Home Run Club.

Unfortunately, the reason most people known him is because of ‘roids. In 2005, Rafael appeared before Congress saying he never used steroids - ever. Six months later he got suspended for testing positive. What an idiot. Why didn’t he just take the Sammy Sosa approach and pretend he couldn’t speak English? Sometimes I think the more money these idiots make, the dumber it makes them.

6. WWE

This one is as old as steroids themselves – or as long as Vince McMahon has owned the WWE - we’re not sure which came first. Today’s “superstars” are all 300 lbs. and ripped up like an NFL linebacker. And these “entertainers” have paid for it. Countless wrestlers have headed to the big ring in the sky as a direct or indirect result of steroids.

I guess wrestling isn’t wrestling unless a bunch of bodybuilders are out there Schwarzenegger-ing people. I might add he could have been on this list, but we don’t really think guys who oil themselves up and squeeze into itsy bitsy bikinis are athletes. They may lift some weights, but the whole beauty pageant feel of their “competition” negates that fact.

5. Roger Clemens, Baseball

I don’t really mind Roger that much, but all this steroid news is getting on my nerves. ESPN broadcasts the hearings live during the day Are there really people out there who have time to sit around and watch that nonsense? You’ve got to be kidding me.

The Mitchell Report really screwed over old Roger. Brian McNamee is snitching, but Clemens is so rich he can afford a serious defense, and he refuses to go down quietly. Clemens is old as dirt but still manages to end up pitching about 20 games a year. Oh yeah, and did I forget to mention he has teams out there willing to pay $20 million for half a years work? Coincidence? I think not. He’s probably shooting something in his butt. He’s been accused too many times, but I do respect him for not giving up the battle, even though everyone presumes he’s lying.

4. Nike Crew- Lance Armstrong, Shawne Merriman

To many observers, Nike equals doping. Lance Armstrong has been accused of cheating more times then Bill Belichick (and Diego on his girlfriends). I will give somewhat of a pass for the whole cancer thing for his hookups with the likes of Sheryl Crow, an Olsen twin, and I’m pretty sure Paris Hilton.

Fellow swoosh pitchman Shawne Merriman got caught cheating and no one really cared. In fact, he was named to the Pro Bowl the same season! Was anyone really shocked to find this out? I really think he literally enjoys hurting people.

3. Lyle Alzado,NFL

I think Lyle Alzado is the inspiration behind the Lattimer character from the movie The Program. This monster dominated the NFL as a defensive end for the Denver Broncos in the 1970’s. Alzado claimed that he began usage of performance enhancers in 1969 and could never stop. Alzado was also known to double and triple stack different combinations of steroids. In 1992 he died at 43 due to a brain tumor. Here’s a nice article about him. Highlights include - his second wife trying to run him over with a car, his nicknames “Rainbow” and “Three Mile Lyle” for his mood swings, his movie career, throwing a chair at a reporter and saying his only regret was not hitting him, and the rumor that he contracted AIDS. Quite a guy!

2. Barry Bonds- Baseball Player- Outfielder

If you don’t believe that Barry Bonds is on some type of juice you are blind, stupid, or both. This is especially true if you live in Pittsburgh and saw him play here in the late '80s and early '90s. The sheer difference in the size of his head alone could be looked at as proof that he is a cheater. The spectacle of him breaking the home run record was totally joyless due to the extreme dislike for the man. Now he has no team and he is facing a federal indictment. Cheaters never win.

1. Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, Baseball

These are the two guys who pretty much started the whole steroid scandal in baseball in recent years. In 2005, Canseco released the book Juiced where he admitted to taking steroids, predicted 85% of players took them, and also ratted out former players who he also knew were on steroids.

Mark “I’m not here to talk about the past” McGwire wisely didn’t give up any info about steroids during a Congressional hearing. McGwire did admit to using Andro which led it to become the supplement of choice for all high school athletes aspiring to make it to the pros.

If not for Canseco,“The Godfather of Steroids”, breaking the code of silence for profit, there may not be all this steroid drama in the news today.


Dave said...

That Merriman photo is a fake. His head was placed onto Jamal Williams' body. Doesn't change the fact that he was busted for performance enhancers, though.

Also, what about the Charger's Luis Castillo? Busted before the combine, then wrote a letter apologizing, then got picked up in an early round.

Snuke said...

We didn't know the photo was a fake, so thanks for the look...even though that pic isn't real, he's still not the same madman that was the most feared defender in the league two seasons ago...

And you're also right about Castillo, and he easily could have made the list. But, alas, there's only ten spots so we can't put everyone on there...