Big Lead Sports Bar

6/03/2007

Clemens To Make Another Minor League Start

Well, Roger Clemens is making another minor league start, but instead of facing Scranton or Portland, Maine, he'll face Adam LaRoche, Ronny Paulino, and the big bats of the Pittsburgh Pirates on Saturday night. Clemens, scheduled to pitch against the White Sox on Monday, was scratched because of a fatigued right groin, pushing his next start to Saturday night.

Still more attractive than a LaRoche bobblehead. Which, ironically, was sponsored by LaRoche College. Bet they wish they could take that one back.

His bad luck is the Pirates' gain, as the much-ballyhooed comeback will probably give the Pirates their first nationally televised game since Sid Bream crossed home for Atlanta in 1992 (I'm exaggerating, but you get the point). Never before has one groin meant so much to the Pirates organization.

In order to fully prepare ourselves for this monumental matchup, here's the official "Yankees vs. Pirates Tale of the Tape":

Records:
Yankees 23-30, .426
Pirates 24-32, .429
Advantage: Pirates. Hey, some people probably thought they'd win 24 all year. So they're actually ahead of schedule by my count.

Payroll:
Yankees $195 million
Pirates $38 million
Advantage: Pirates. Yes, we're all disappointed that the Pirates stink yet again. But just think how much more upset we'd be if their payroll was five times what it is!

Top 5 salaries:
Yankees:
1. Alex Rodriguez $27.7 million.
Pros: 2-time MVP; closing in on 500 HR; once punched a member of the Red Sox; answers the door at 1 AM in a fully-pressed suit.
Cons: Cheats on his wife; still not a "true" Yankee.
2. Jason Giambi $23.4 million
Pros: 2000 AL MVP; 357 career HR and a lifetime .291 average
Cons: Admitted to taking "stuff" that probably helped him hit many of those homers; those horrible deodorant commercials.

3. Derek Jeter $21.6 million
Pros: .317 career average; 4-time World Series champ; has dated, among others, Jessica Biel, Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo, and Jordana Brewster
Cons: No longer dates Jessica Biel, Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo, or Jordana Brewster.

4. Andy Pettitte $16 million
Pros: 4-time World Series champ
Cons: Viewed by baseball fans everywhere as Mrs. Roger Clemens; that whole HGH thing.
5. Bobby Abreu $15.6 million
Pros: Career .300 hitter; 2-time All-Star; 2005 Home Run Derby winner.
Cons: .239 and 2 HR makes the $15 mil kinda hard to justify.

Pirates:
1. Jack Wilson $5.4 million
Pros: 2-time NL leader in sacrifices.
Cons: Baseball-reference.com's most similar batter to Wilson is Pat Meares.

2. Shawn Chacon $3.825 million
Pros: Enabled the Pirates to finally rid themselves of Craig Wilson.
Cons: Career ERA of 4.99; a "True Pirate".

3. Jason Bay $3.5 million
Pros: Looks to be having his annual "hot month", which wipes away his five "mediocre months" when looking at his year-end stats.
Cons: Makes every Pirate curse him at least three times a week as he helplessly stares at another called strike three.

4. Adam LaRoche $3.2 million
Pros: Gets hot around the All-Star break, when the Pirates traditionally make their postseason run.
Cons: His uncanny resemblance to The Burbs' Hans Klopek



5. Tony Armas $3 million
Pros: No longer ruins Pirate games as a starting pitcher
Cons: Will now ruin Pirate games as a relief pitcher
Advantage: Yankees. As bad as they are, the Yanks are infinitely more interesting to talk about...unless Jack Wilson is spotted by a Pittsburgh paparazzo coming out of Blush one night with one of their dancers. And that ain't happenin'.
Ownership:
Yankees: George Steinbrenner
Pirates: Kevin McClatchy and the Nuttings
Advantage: Yankees. Say what you want about George, but he always tries to put a winner on the field and never short-changes his fans. Plus, he doesn't sit behind home plate like a nerd at every home game.
Fans:
Yankees: Average 50,371 per game
Pirates: Average 19,442 per game
Advantage: Pirates. They're working on a 15th losing season in a row, they can't hit with men in scoring position, and they get almost 20 thou a game? These people need medals! I can sum it up best with an email I just received from a very loyal reader calling himself "Blueline 1925":
But, being a Pirates fan has been a good thing for me. When I started dating my wife, she worried if I was a player or a guy who was incapable of loyalty in a relationship or someone who would run when times got tough. Now, I loved my wife dearly, and I told her this:

"Janet, I'm a Pirates fan, and I'm still a Pirates fan. I haven't seen a winning season since my senior year in high school. I've seen some awful teams fielded out there, and as a Pirates fan, I've supported them, warts and all. If being a Pirates fan through all of this doesn't tell you the level of my character, then nothing ever will. Date a Yankees fan and see how he reacts when things get tough."
Remember that, ladies. It takes a real man to be a Pirate fan. Or a guy that's willing to put up with at least 15 years of your crap. Either way, you win.
Final score: Pirates 3, Yankees 2. And judging by the fact that the Pirates usually score about three runs in every game I've watched this season, that's my prediction for Saturday's game.

3 comments:

boredinpittsburgh said...

With Clemens pitching his first game back this season against the Buccos, could the Pirates actually make it onto ESPN?

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

for how depressing it must be to root for the Bucs on a daily basis, PNC park is sure a special place to watch a game.

Cecil from Cecil Twp. said...

The $195 figure for the Yanks is before the roughly $20 MM they'll pay to Clemens, bringing their '07 payroll to $215 MM.

As for whose fans are better, its the Yankee fans hands down. These people live and die with every pitch of every game.

Its actually very annoying. I just can't relate to people who take baseball so seriously.

I mean....its not football. You're at a baseball game. Relax.