Big Lead Sports Bar

10/18/2006

Pittsburgh Sports Power Rankings II

The long-awaited second edition of the Pittsburgh Sports Power Rankings is finally here. A few changes, though. This time, the rankings are based on recent internet buzz, not overall clout. So fine folks like Dan Rooney and Kevin Colbert are out. These rankings will reflect Pittsburghers who make life easier for Bloggers like myself. So without further adieu, I give you your revised Pittsburgh Sports Power Rankings...
20. Marc-Andre Fleury - The Penguins goalie and #1 overall pick in 2003 is off to a hot start with a career-low 2.87 goals-against and big wins against Philadelphia and the Rangers. But a persistent rumor around Pittsburgh is that Fleury may be benched for his play. If his performance continues to improve, the Penguins would be in danger of drafting below the 2nd overall choice for the first time since 2002, which is totally unacceptable to management.
Some photographer was really brave to sit in the net during an NHL game

19. H.B. Blades - Pitt's senior LB and son of former Lion Bennie Blades is expected to be named a finalist for the Butkus Award. Maybe like Butkus he can one day fake-coach a high school football team and then bail out before the season is over.
Blades biggest problem is finding a suitable helmet to encase his 'do
18. Chris Kemoeatu - Steelers backup offensive lineman replaced frozen-footed Kendall Simmons on Sunday and the team ran for 219 yards. Once got into a fight with Ben Roethlisberger who tried to water his head, thinking it was a Chia Pet.
Kemoeatu: goes to the same barber as H.B. Blades
17. Larod Stephens-Howling - The Pitt running back has been on fire, with 356 yards rushing and 4 TDs in the last two games. A few more games like this and he will join the pantheon of proud Johnstowners, like Jack Ham, Pete "Clue Haywood" Vukovich, and alleged date-rape drug victim/Ohio U football coach Frank Solich.
Stephens-Howling: giving Maurice Jones-Drew a run for the greatest diminuative hyphenated running back in football this season
16. Mark Madden - ESPN 1250 of Pittsburgh's lead radio talent scores major points for his recent interview of Pam Anderson. Plus, he's a fan of Mondesi's House, so that scores him extra points with the unbiased author of this list.

Pam gazes up at Pittsburgh's resident Super Genius

15. Hines Ward - The Super Bowl XL MVP had his finest game of the season on Sunday, reeling in 5 catches for 59 yards and a TD; he finally looks healthy and ready to contribute. For those of you who don't know, Hines is always playing the respect card. He's fought his entire career to be mentioned in the same breath with the Terrell Owens and Steve Smiths of the world. He fought so hard, he pulled his hamstring just so SportsCenter could include him in the "Star receivers with hamstring injuries" discussion. Fortunately for him, he was included in the discussion. Unfortunately for the Steelers, he has 18 catches in 6 games this season.
Photo evidence of the original cause of Ward's hamstring pull
14. Sidney Crosby - The Penguins superstar is on pace for a 120 point season, or as former 282-point scorer Mario Lemieux would call it, "crap".
Crosby showing off his big stick

13. Willie Parker - The Steelers RB ranks 3rd in the AFC in rushing and has added 5 TDs to boot. In the process, NC State alum Bill Cowher once again sticks it to UNC Coach John Bunting, who gave Parker the grand total of 48 carries in his senior year, going with future NFL star Ronnie McGill instead.
That's one excited former Tar Heel backup

12. Bill Cowher - The Jaw saved the season with a big win on Sunday. Wishy-washy, I mean loyal, Steeler fans ease up the criticism and now proclaim that another Super Bowl win is inevitable.
I'm signing this one, "Pittsburgh, thanks for the memories"

11. Santonio Holmes - The One Man Crime Spree had his finest game as a Steeler on Sunday, totalling 167 yards in receptions and returns. He has been a model citizen on and off the field, letting Chris Henry once again take the lead in legal mentions with his week three vomit incident.
Santonio holding up his prized Kordell Stewart jersey on draft day

10. Dave Wannstedt - Mustached Pitt coach thanked his lucky stars he got in and out of Florida alive after beating Central Florida on Friday. Good thing he didn't stick around and visit Miami last Saturday night, for his beatdown from still-angry Dolphin fans would have been worse than the one they put on FIU.
Dave is Persona Non Wannstache in Miami

9. Kendall Simmons - Mr. Freeze missed Sunday's game after falling asleep with an ice compress on his foot. He was replaced by Chris Kemoeatu and may end up as the Steelers' version of Wally Pipp...or Tommy Maddox.
Kendall Simmons: future Governor?
8. Jordan Staal - The Penguins barely legal #1 pick scored his first career goal at Madison Square Garden in a big win vs. the Rangers. However, a matchup against brother Eric on Saturday was upstaged by Colby Armstrong trying to re-create the Kevin Stevens nose-dive for a new generation of fans.
This picture just gave me a seizure

7. Chad Brown - Born-again Steeler, reptile dealer and sushi critic re-signed with the Black and Gold for another title run in 2006. He provided an immediate impact, including a sack on Sunday and $100 in increased revenue for Nakama on Monday.
The dealmaker in re-signing Chad Brown

6. Tyler Palko - Nation's #1-rated QB faces his toughest matchup yet this season when Rutgers comes to Heinz Field on Saturday. Palko's QB rating for the season is 188, or 178 more than Rex Grossman's rating on Monday night.
Video games, TV rights, ticket sales, jersey sales...yeah, I think a scholarship to Pitt is adequate compensation

5. Najeh Davenport - If Willie Parker is your #1 back, I assume Davenport is #2?
A closet, violated

4. Troy Polamalu - Victim of controversial tackle from Larry Johnson on Sunday says he won't cut his hair, will use more conditioner. He will be interesting to watch this Sunday when the inevitable interception of Ron Mexico occurs.

3. Jim Balsillie - New Penguins owner and Blackberry bigwig made a splash by dropping an S-Bomb on live TV in the Pens' home opener. He says he won't move the team, but can we trust a the word of a guy who's company was accused of stealing the very technology they were selling?

2. Ben Roethlisberger - Super Bowl winning QB finally got on the winning track with a big win vs. Kansas City. Theories over "What's wrong with Big Ben" subside in Pittsburgh...until the next loss.
Ben and Hank pose next to the wax figure of Kid Rock on their field trip to Madame Tussad's

1. Evgeni Malkin - Russian hockey star finally makes his Penguins debut Wednesday night. Ticket sales are high due to the influx of Russian mobsters in town for the game. Thankfully, the Penguins wear uniforms, so Malkin won't stick out like he usually does when dressing himself.
Someone is in need of an Extreme Makeover

7 comments:

worstavid said...

Raul,

I bow to you! Repeatedly!!! I loved the "closet violated" and Malkin references. Great stuff, many good laughs. Keep it coming!

Jeremy said...

Hey hey hey...as one who lives in Johnstown, your Larod comment is very offensive. How dare you forget the honorable Carlton "riding my motorcycle with my helmet on backwards, but I swear I'm not drunk" Haselrig? Nothing better than a drunk, drug-dealing, backwards-helmet-wearing ex-wrestler. Go Johnstown!

Christmas Ape said...

You put Santonio that high despite him dropping a punt and fumbling another? Are we setting the bar that low on special teams?

Yeah, he broke a big run on a screen pass. Chiefs defenders coverage and tackling skills belong in his spot in lieu of the oft-arrested one. Don't mean to be wishy-washy, just sayin'.

Megatron said...

I just came to from my seizure after staring at the Jordan Staal image myself. Is he stuck in the Matrix? What the hell is going on here? On another note, "THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! THE BEARS ARE WHOM WE THINK THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE! THE BEARS ARE THOUGHT OF WHOM THEY THINK THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE! LET THE BEARS OFF THE HOOK THEY WERE!"

Anonymous said...

As another Johnstowner, I don't want you to forget the Hanson Brothers from Slapshot.

Sean said...

Nicely done, although I'm surprised Joey Porter didn't make the list. I guess it's been a few weeks since his dogs killed a horse.

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