McGwire Photographs Revealed

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Former home-run king Mark McGwire revealed today that he allowed baseball’s Mitchell Committee to inspect and photograph his genitals by way of proving that he did not use steroids during his record-setting run of slugging in the late ‘90s.

A former girlfriend of McGwire’s told the Mitchell Committee that McGwire’s testicles were the size of “plums that had been left out in the sun,” and that his penis was not only small, but worn out, “kind of like the thumb on an old catcher’s mitt.”

When he appeared before a Congressional hearing on steroids in baseball, McGwire refused to talk about the past, preferring to look ahead to the future.

“But when it comes to my genitals, I’m willing to delve into days gone by if it means setting the record straight,” McGwire said. “I’m white, Irish, red-headed and pale. Of course my genitals are going to be minuscule. Look around any locker room.”

When asked what good allowing the Mitchell Committee to photograph his genitals would do, McGwire said, “Luckily, I’ve been photographing my genitals once a year since I turned 18. That’s the age of consent in California for photographing one’s own genitalia. All I have to do is dig out the scrapbook from 1981, and the Mitchell Committee will see that I was as tiny then as I am now.”

When asked if he was uncomfortable having his genitalia photographed, McGwire said,“Not at all. In fact, I like it.”