Big Lead Sports Bar


My Big Mouth: Will I Still Love You Tomorrow?

Since Sunday, I haven't felt right. It wasn't a physical illness but more of an uneasiness and a sense that things weren't right in the world as I knew it.

After great soul-searching (read: 7 Yuenglings and 4 shots of Blackberry brandy), I could finally put my finger on the problem. Or, at that point since I was hammered, put my finger in the general direction of the problem.

Two things that I have loved from afar -- the wondrous creation of Jessica Alba and the wondrous collection of the Pittsburgh Penguins -- have changed dramatically before my very eyes this week. And it makes me wonder silently -- or aloud to any other bar patron within shouting distance of me -- will I still love them as much in the future as I did in the past?

...What she was ...

...What she is now...

When I was doing my penance and watching the Oscars telecast with my wife, I first saw Alba looking preggers. Gone was the taut, firm and sexy body that forced the logic-thinking neurons in my brain to shut down and triggered my basest of emotions. That's right: Jessica Alba's mere appearance turned me into Mr. Peepers.

Seeing her on-stage giving an award with arms no longer looking chiseled and wearing a dress that completely hid her glorious butt from the world's view, I grew sad. I could feel my facial muscle collapse and forming what I suppose is a frown of some type. My mouth fell wipe open like a short-bus-riding, mouth-breathing, window-licker. But it was the tear that rolled down my cheek which brought suspicion to my wife.

"Why are you wiping your eyes?" my wife asked.

And, like any other guy in my position, I stumbled poorly to find a weak-ass lie.

"Oh, uh," as I stumbled, "I was just thinking about the Olympics and how the Chinese won't help stop the genocide in Darfur. It saddens me." (Again, you have to remember that Jessica Alba runs my mind aground faster than a drunken ship captain.)

"Is this because Jessica Alba's getting fat?" my wife replied, almost taking a supreme joy that this goddess is now mortal. "Get over it."

Eventually, I'd have to get over this change, but at the moment, it was like discovering that Roy Hobbs really didn't exist.

(Editors note: We tried to explain to Jason that Roy Hobbs was a fictional character, but for whatever reason, thought this was, what he called, a March Fool's Joke...whatever that means.)

After battling with the Alba Question for a good 36 hours, another curve was thrown my way. While at work surfing the net and searching for any content on Google that mentions Jessica Alba + workouts + pregnancy -- which was done simply to plant the seeds of hope that JA would get her fine form back -- I get an email from a buddy telling me, "The Penguins swoop in at the deadline and get Hossa. I hate you and your team." (My friend, after all, was a Flyers fan...nobody's perfect.)

WHOA! Is he serious? So, I headed towards TSN's coverage of the trade deadline. It was true....IT WAS TRUE! The Penguins got Hossa and Pascal Dupuis for Colby Armstrong, Erik Christensen, Angelo Esposito, and a 2008 1st round pick.

Wow. Hossa joins the Pens to ride shotgun with Sid the Kid and make a serious run at the Cup. Unreal. This has the impact of the Francis/Samuelsson trade in 1991, or the Coffey deal in the 1987! (And what is the limit on exclamation points (!) in one column?)

Looking at the trade particulars, I kept looking at Armstrong and Christensen. I liked both players. They felt like little brothers to me. I remember when the Penguins drafted them. I remember reading articles about their development, and I cheered when they made the big roster. They felt like family.

Then that gnawing feeling came back. The same one I felt Sunday. Thankfully, it wasn't sexually driven.

The Penguins were different. They just weren't the collection of happy-go-lucky kids who were growing up together, learning together, and eventually winning together. Nope. The world I knew changed, and business creeped in with the team and the game. Even though they were both players who played complementary roles on the team, Armstrong and Christensen felt like a big part of the Penguins family, the future and their subsequent success.

Watching the Penguins beat the Islanders with a short bench, I still felt as if something was off. Ditto that after the 5-1 loss to the Bruins Thursday, where the newly acquired Hossa sprained his knee. It was like Wayne's World when Garth saw Wayne's basement in the sound stage.

This is my Penguins team, but this isn't my Penguins team.

It's just like seeing Jessica Alba pregnant at the Oscars: this is Jessica Alba, but this isn't the Jessica Alba I get stupid over.

In time, I know I'll find a new chemistry with this Penguins team. We always do after trades, and I think we have Craig Patrick to thank for that -- he got us used to the concept of trading assets. And I'm guessing I'll still find the lust I possess for Alba too. Just, for right now, it seems like the time to wallow and yearn for the good old days. You know, good old days that go back as far as last Saturday.


Unknown said...

i enjoyed reading that. that baby won't be in their forever.

Unknown said...

Sure, the baby won't be in there forever, but that fat can sure find ways to stick around.

Alba with cottage cheese thighs almost makes me break down in tears.

mai wen said...

You guys do realize that Jessica Alba has herpes, right? She got them from Derek Jeter, big surprise.

Sorry to burst your bubble... and yes, as a woman I do take pleasure in the fact that she has herpes and that she is now fat. hehe, aren't we women evil?

mai wen said...

Oh, and all of her pictures are 97% air brushed too, she's probably already have those fat dimples in her thighs but they're just magically air brushed away... and cut in half while they're at it.

Unknown said...

Fat dimples on her thighs AND herpes... I don't care. I'd still wreck her.

mai wen said...

LOL, fair enough.