The Backyard Scrawler

Lineman for Dead Parakeet Not an Option

by The Backyard Scrawler

backyardscrawl@gmail.com

With yesterday being the deadline for underclassmen to report for the NFL Draft, so begins the legitimizing of mock drafts that were conceived back when, well, the players themselves were conceived. (There’s got to be a draft website out there waiting for a third-generation Manning to put on its 2029 Mock Draft.)

Still, mid-January is too early for my liking to soothsay what player the Steelers will take with their first pick. Too much can happen between now and the April 26 draft. We are only halfway through the all-star bowl season and the NFL Scouting Combine is a month away. There’s also a lot of posturing by team management, draft hopefuls, and free agents who hit the market March 2. Not to mention all the 40-yard dashes, Wonderlic tests, and stool samples that need analyzed.
That’s not to say we can’t enter discussion on what position the Steelers will draft in the first round. Ed Bouchette reported Tuesday that Steelers war-room honcho Kevin Colbert disclosed the team’s intentions to draft anyone except a quarterback or a tight end in the first round (really, what about a holder?). Either Ed mistakenly used his notes from an April 27, 2007 article or “The Word” from Pittsburgh’s version of The Colbert Report is the exact mantra used heading into last year’s draft.

Like most draft classes within the last few years, the jury is still out on the Steelers’ 2007 selections. Lawrence Timmons is a young, versatile linebacker with upside, especially if the team tries to switch to the 4-3 defense after Dick LeBeau retires or the league’s No. 1 defense falls from grace. LaMarr Woodley seems ready to take over for Clark Haggans. Those picks appear to be solid.

The third- and fourth-round selections of Matt Spaeth and Daniel Sepulveda are still head-scratchers. Going after a back-up tight end in the first day and trading up for a punter are Dumb and Dumber for a team with other foreseeable needs. And I mean Dumb and Dumber like the way a jobless Lloyd Christmas went to the corner store for “a few necessities” and came back with a giant foam cowboy hat, a case of beer and some pinwheels. Now the Steelers are forced sell a dead parakeet ––– metaphorically, of course, unless the Pirates’ mascot keels over ––– to salvage their offensive and defensive lines.

Whoever the Steelers take in the first round, he should live at the Rooney residence (a la Sidney with Mario) for the sake of good karma. His daily chores would involve paying the plumber with autographed copies of Dan’s book and going into the family vault to recount The Chief’s treasured winnings from Saratoga.

Come to think of it, offensive tackle Michael Oher would be perfect. The projected late-first-rounder from Ole Miss knows what it’s like to move in with a wealthy family. Michael Lewis wrote about Oher in his best-selling book The Blind Side. There’s even a movie in the works.

Having given up 47 sacks in 2007, the Steelers will likely go after an offensive tackle to protect its quarterback’s Blind Side. If they don’t, well, they will continue get Dumb and Dumber.

Drafting a blind-side protector late in the first round that will be ready to start next year is highly unlikely. So, Kevin Colbert, what are the chances of a team like the Steelers and a free agent like that ending up together?

Like one out of hundred?

One out of a million?

Hit me with it!

“I don't see any reason or any scenario where we wouldn’t follow the same path we have.”

So you’re telling me there’s a chance.