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Why the Cincinnati Bengals Will Be Better Than the Steelers in 2007 (HA!)

A few months back, I threw out a challenge to the followers of every other NFL team out there: tell us why your team will be better than the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2007. Plenty of eager writers told you exactly why they thought they'll be superior to the black and gold.
Several teams had authors lined up that apparently backed out (probably due to the fact that they had no argument), and sadly, I thought Cincinnati's rep was going to be one of them. But fear not, my inbox found one last essay in this series. And after their showing on Sunday, I'd love to hear more on this topic.

Today's author goes only by the name of Jason, although if I was a Bengal fan I'd prefer to remain semi-anonymous as well. At this point, I'll leave it up to him to defend the men that allowed 51 points to the Browns on Sunday, a team that scored a grand total of 7 against the Steelers...
Why the Cincinnati Bengals Will Be Better Than the Steelers in 2007
by Jason the Bengal Fan
Who the heck am I: I’m new to the Mondesishouse experience, so it’s a case of first time reader, first time caller. I drifted here from a Deadspin link and was surprised to find no takers yet on the Bengals. Although I can't imagine why no one would want to step into the lion's den where it’ll be near impossible to talk Bengals without an endless barrage of knee and jail jokes.

I was born in Dayton and after the Bengals came to be... so I avoided the whole Bengals/Browns/Steelers choice that those alive in the early 70's had made. I've no 'former Pittsburgh fan' skeleton to hide. And while I'm no Steelers fan, by way of full disclosure, I must admit they are not tops on my "Teams that MUST Die" list. Playing San Fran, Baltimore, or any team with the word 'New' in it will bring me around to the side of yellow and black. If for no other reason then watching those other teams well... die.

I blame the Super Bowl XXIII loss on the bastards that laid the turf in Miami. Montana never pulls off the drive with Tim Krumrie in his face. As for Super Bowl XVI - Forrest Gregg = Overachiever ... still it was a nice over achievement. I believe the 'West Coast' offense should have been renamed the 'Queen City' (still Walsh is... was one of the greats). The 'Freezer Bowl' was one of the greatest games ever played (@#%$@ GB & Dallas). And don't even start with me about the '06 playoffs win - it was over at the injury. ‘nuff said both sides.

But enough about me… someone needs to wade in among you Philistines (Relax it has nothing to do with Philadelphia.) and explain to you why the Bengals will be better than the Steelers in 2007.

Steelers Schedule
The easiest method to prove my point is to simply look at the schedule. I’m not trying to call out any wacky upsets – it’s just that the 07 schedule holds a lot of information about your future. And the Steelers future starts off with a sweet September - @ Cle, Buf, SF @ Ari. I think SF is gonna be much better this year and the Cardinal air attack is not something to ignore. Sure upsets are possible in there – but yeah, I’m seeing a 4-0 start for ya as well.

But then comes the chill of October, which goes home for the Super Bowl ‘Pay Back’ game, at Mile High (even with a Bye Week to prep, it’s AT Denver), at the Jungle (Trap Game!- See Below), and then home vs the reigning AFC Central champ on Monday night. Welcome to .500 ville, population you!

Then more love from the schedule gods… the ‘cure for what ails ya’ Browns, at J! E! T! S! sucks-sucks-sucks, and then home for the Fins. Miami is a tough game to call because they got all the parts save one – QB. They may have solved their QB problem by then – but who ever is at the helm ain’t finding Jesus in Heinz Field on a Monday night during the ‘Joey Porter’ game… 7-4. Back to good.

Now to be a winner, you’re gonna have to find 2 wins out of the remaining 5 games. And off the bat two are definite losses: @ New England (Wk 14) and @ Baltimore (Wk 17). And while you’re likely ‘better’ than both Jax (Wk 15) and St Louis (Wk 16) – you play both games in 5 days. I’ll give you a home win over the Jags, BUT a rookie coach, pulling off a road win, on short rest, on a nationally televised Thursday night game. If you like those odds, I want to play poker with you! So that leaves you 8-7.

Skipped on that list is the small matter of a Sunday night game in Week 13. Do I even need to discuss this… 8-8. Still respectable for a first year coach and good enough to keep you third!
BTW – The number of first year coaches to ring up a winning record … 1 in 3 (17 out of 50 was the stat I found in an ’06 article).

Bengals Schedule
I think they get a big win out of the gate. I like the Ravens chances of pulling off a deep playoff run – at least til they are crushed by New England like everyone else. But getting to play the first Monday night game of the year in Cincy, that’s pretty special. I think the Stripes will be up for that and followed by an @ Cle gimme, things get started on the right foot – 2-0.
Then the wheels fall off – @ Sea (West Coast – aieee!), New England, Bye Week, and the @ KC. The Pats have only two games to worry about before they play Indy in week 9 … a SD rematch in Week 2 and the Bengals in Week 4. We’re not gonna catch them napping – it’ll be ugly. And we ALWAYS lose outta the Bye Week … 2-3.

Things turn around though. Home with the Jets and a trip to Buffalo always help. And in between those wins is a game at home vs the Steelers… who will be looking ahead to their Week 9 Monday Night matchup against the Ravens. That’s as clear a definition of TRAP GAME as I can find! Bengals climb up to 5-3.

Week 10 @ Ravens – Bengals should have won the away engagement last year if not for an obscene no call on TJ. And maybe you beat the hell out of them the previous week, leaving nothing but wounded scrubs for us to play. While it’s a game we could win, I’ll be fair here and call it a loss. Regardless, it’s followed by two wins at home against the Cards (SHOOTOUT!) and Titans (Where’s Pacman?). That puts el Tigres at 7-4.

Wrapping up the end of the season, Cincy should win both their last home games (StL and Cle) and split the last two away games. Seeing as one of the games is @ SF (West Coast – aieee!), I’m looking for the Bengals to take care of the winnable game in Miami in week 17.

That’s 10-5… PLUS the drubbing we deliver in Heinz – AGAIN – and it’s 11-5 and hello playoffs. Where we lose a wildcard shootout to the Colts…. Ugh. Oh well, that still makes us better than Pittsburgh in 2007.

Some Random Intangibles
Ken Anderson is the Steeler’s QB coach. While he had a fine career as a QB, Ken’s run as a QB coach has not been so great. He’s been responsible for the coaching up of such legendary arms as David Klingler, Jeff Blake, Akili Smith, and Bryon Leftwich. Wait, Leftwich is a Jag you say. Well you see the Bengals fired ol’ Kenny in 2003, before he could taint Carson. With Tomlin having his hands full as a new head coach. I’m sure he’s gonna rely HEAVILY on Anderson’s MVP experience. Trust me he’ll do more damage to Big Ben than any bike ever could.

The return of Blitzburgh. Football Outsiders points out that Mikey likes to Blitz and did so in Minnesota – lots. We’re talking 6 and 7 man blitzes, not no mamby pamby zone blitz ala LeBeau. That’ll work great against a rookie QB who held out too long and can’t keep his hands off of other men’s crotches. But against teams with better, veteran, QBs that have a quick release and great receivers… like Manning, or Brady, or ohhh I dunno.. PALMER. The Blitz is not the recipe for success against any of the premier AFC teams.
BTW – FO ranked your coaching staff as #19 out of 32. The Ravens rated a 6, the Bengals were 13.

Focus - The Super Bowl after glow, the Bike Wreck (Chunky Soup!!!), the weak start, the appendectomy – Big Ben couldn’t handle the expectations or distractions last year. Tell me you didn’t always think he was pressing. Trying to make his old coach look good at the end, trying to live up to his own hype. This year they’re outta the gate with a new coaching staff, rumors of spread offenses and no huddles to learn (giving Ben more control of the offense is the sales pitch). Now let’s add an injured foot that at the very minimum will limit his time practicing the new coaches’ system. Looks like the big Mo’ is going the wrong way again.

And the final reason why the Bengals are better than the Steelers in 2007… The Ben-Gals vs Steely McBeam!


AJ said...

was that even written in English?

Dr Obvious said...

There is no doubt that the Bengals make for a prettier group of girls than the Steelers. The rest of that didn't make a whole lot of sense.

D. C. said...

At least he was right about the Bengal's 2-0 start.

Unknown said...

Interesting read, given the Cincinnati bowtie dropped upon the Bungles by Browns this weekend...

Briwatt said...

Two words for Cincy - Jamal Lewis. The same scrap heap tailback that struggled for 35 yards against us goes completely bananas on Cincy. (NOTE TO WILLIE PARKER, LOOK FORWARD TO TWO GAMES AGAINST THE HOSPITABLE BUNGLES D.)

Oh, and it really looks like Ken Anderson is just killing Big Ben. Good way to rationalize poor drafting - blame an assistant coach!

One more things the Bungles beat us at - time served in county lock up.

Cate Morrison said...

that girl has on the least effective shirt i have ever seen.