Big Lead Sports Bar

7/23/2007

Roethlisberger Scandal?

Said by Mark Madden of ESPN Radio 1250
Well, here’s the shocking Steelers scandal I was talking about earlier. Michael Vick may have forced dogs to fight. We all know that story. But when Ben Roethlisberger used to live just 2 doors away from me...Ben used to force girls to fight. That’s right, Ben would take a child’s wading pool...fill it up w/chocolate pudding in the driveway...and two teenage girls would jump in and fight it out. I’m not gonna lie to you...it was a lotta fun to watch...and I’d occasionally get a bet down. These were HOT teenage girls, needless to say...and Ben used to make ‘em dress in skimpy cotton shorts and wife-beaters...no underwear...and the pit crew would rub their breasts down with ice chips right before they entered the field of play. It was quite a sight to see, and the winner got to spend the night in the big house w/Ben...while the loser had to sleep under Ben’s deck out back and let his two dogs lick the pudding off ‘em...which was probably not too bad for the dogs or the girl. To quote Stifler in American Wedding: Is it wrong if it feels good? Eventually Ben had to stop having girlfights, but not because of the cops. Heck, the cops used to park their cars at the corner and come watch. Who wouldn’t? No, Ben stopped because girls were starting to learn the technique of holding their opponent’s lower extremities right next to the pudding pump that kept a constant flow of fresh pudding going into the wading pool. There was some concern of sterility, or ovaries exploding due to the sheer force of the pudding, and anyway, what good are the girls to Ben if their insides have been stretched out by a jet-ray of pudding? It was one thing when they twisted each other’s nipples, or straddled each other suggestively while going for the pin, or best of all...when they got carried away w/the moment, started making out and started putting that pudding jet to safer, more reasonable and erotic uses...but I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one wants to see a teenage girl’s ovaries explode. So, Ben called off the pudding fights...and then he moved...and really, what the hell’s the point of living there anymore? Might as well put out a friggin’ FOR SALE sign myself. One thing I did like was when the girls went for the pin, but the opponent kicked out cos they didn’t hook the leg. I would yell – GOTTA HOOK THE LEG, TONY! – and everyone would laugh, and gee, it brought back some good memories, and I can’t help but think that WCW would still be around today if only we’d had the foresight to use pudding jets.

8 comments:

boredinpittsburgh said...

I listen to Madden daily and boy am I mad i was at the gym when he went on that rant.

Does anything believe this story?

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

I don't think that it was meant to be believed...

... at least I hope it wasn't meant to be believed.

Not that I have anything against hot-chick pudding wrasslin, just the whole "exploding ovaries" thing.

Sassy Poker said...

geez, you must really be bored if you believe that story.

HotDog_Zanzabar said...

You should change your username to retardedinpittsburgh or gullibleinpittsburgh

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Was this before or after Bible study, or has Ben just abandoned that altogether?

Also, was Missy Peregrym one of the participants?

Brad said...

If we're living in a world where pudding wrestling is wrong, I don't want to be right. And I think Madden was tongue in cheek on this one, though I think everything that comes out of his mouth is not to be taken seriously.

Cecil from Cecil Twp. said...

Poor attempt at humor, Madden....


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

boredinpittsburgh said...

Just like Mark's comments were meant to be taken as sarcastic, so were the comments i made above.