Fantasy Party

Indiana Pacer Stephen Jackson, one of the key participants in the Brawl at the Palace a few years ago, got himself into quite the sticky situation last week. Since the Pacers are trying to rehab their image this year, I can only assume Jackson was doing some charity work at a place called Club Rio at 3 AM in the morning. He was punched in the face and the assailant attempted to run him over with his car. Luckily for Jackson, he brought his gun on this night of community service, so he was at least able to get a few shots fired.

2006 has been a busy year for athletes off the field. The combination of drunk pictures, arrests, drug raids and sordid tales have sullied many a clean image. I then had a dream...what if all of these players were gathered under one roof for the ultimate party of parties? Who would get invited? Where to have it?

With that in mind, here is the official invites for the Mondesi "Fantasy Party"

Time: Doors open at 3 AM

Place: Cincinnati, OH

Dress code: Collard shirts are fine

My fantasy guest list:

Askew, Matthias: Tasered Bengal

Baxter, Lonnie: Washington Wizard and Washington, DC shooter

Berra, Dale: For old-time's sake

Bowden, Jim: Nationals GM who spars with his wife after a few cocktails

Burress, Plaxico: host of ill-fated 2001 Strip District party

The Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders: We all remember this story

Clarett, Maurice: Israeli mob irritant

Cullen, Joe: Lions assistant and nude Wendy's drive through guy

Culpepper, Daunte: Love Boat member

Droughns, Ruben: Browns running back and DUI club member

Griffin, Eddie: Porn while intoxicated Timberwolf

Guillen, Ozzie: Noted clubhouse drinker

Henry, Chris: Chris Henry

Holmes, Santonio: His conduct has known to be disorderly

Huggins, Bob: Kansas State Basketball coach and noted Cincinnati window puker

Irvin, Michael: Longest Yard Actor, Crackpipe owner

Jackson, Stephen: Defender of the peace

Jones, Adam "PacMan": Accused drug dealer / party host

Kiel, Terrence: Charger/Codeine salesman

Leinart, Matt: Your new Cardinals QB

Manning, Ricky: Nerd-beating Bear

McKinnie, Bryant: Yet another Love Boat member

McNeal, Reggie: Gets so drunk, he gives Odell Thurman the keys

Mexico, Ron: Also known as Michael Vick

Newton, Nate: Former Cowboy once busted with 213 pounds of weed

O'Neill, Terry: The guy who had a heart attack at Chupka's when Bettis fumbled against the Colts

Orton, Kyle: Enjoyed his time as a starter while it lasted

Redick, JJ: Turns around at checkpoints when he's ripped

Rider, JR: Felony cocaine possessor

Robinson, Koren: Weekly violator of NFL policy

Roethlisberger, Ben: He drinks like a champion

Sauerbeck, Scott: Former Pirate who Hid in the bushes with some woman

Simpson, OJ: Just to ask if he's found the real killer yet

Smith, Onterrio: Spokesman for the Whizzinator

Smoot, Fred: Love Boat Kingpin

Solich, Frank: Ohio U football coach claimed he was slipped GHB

Steinbach, Eric: Boating while intoxicated Bengal

Sutton, Eddie: Oklahoma State hoops coach, blew a .22 and got caught urinating on a school

Taylor, Sean: Gun-wielding Redskins safety.

Thurman, Odell: Frequently asked to walk straight lines

Vick, Marcus: Violent Dolphins practice-squadder

Warren, Gerard: Gun-toting Burress party guest

White, Lendale: NFL New Millionaire's Party Host

Williams, Moe: ANOTHER Love Boatee

Williams, Ricky: Professional marijuana advocate

Young, Vince: NFL New Millionaire's Party Host

Security will not be necessary, as many of the guests will bring their own weapons, ammunition, and bulletproof vests. We're looking forward to seeing you there.

Note: many thanks to Deadspin for the source of most of these stories