Big Lead Sports Bar

10/09/2006

Fantasy Party

Indiana Pacer Stephen Jackson, one of the key participants in the Brawl at the Palace a few years ago, got himself into quite the sticky situation last week. Since the Pacers are trying to rehab their image this year, I can only assume Jackson was doing some charity work at a place called Club Rio at 3 AM in the morning. He was punched in the face and the assailant attempted to run him over with his car. Luckily for Jackson, he brought his gun on this night of community service, so he was at least able to get a few shots fired.
2006 has been a busy year for athletes off the field. The combination of drunk pictures, arrests, drug raids and sordid tales have sullied many a clean image. I then had a dream...what if all of these players were gathered under one roof for the ultimate party of parties? Who would get invited? Where to have it?
With that in mind, here is the official invites for the Mondesi "Fantasy Party"
Time: Doors open at 3 AM
Place: Cincinnati, OH
Dress code: Collard shirts are fine
My fantasy guest list:
Askew, Matthias: Tasered Bengal
Baxter, Lonnie: Washington Wizard and Washington, DC shooter
Berra, Dale: For old-time's sake
Bowden, Jim: Nationals GM who spars with his wife after a few cocktails
The Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders: We all remember this story
Clarett, Maurice: Israeli mob irritant
Cullen, Joe: Lions assistant and nude Wendy's drive through guy
Culpepper, Daunte: Love Boat member
Droughns, Ruben: Browns running back and DUI club member
Guillen, Ozzie: Noted clubhouse drinker
Henry, Chris: Chris Henry
Holmes, Santonio: His conduct has known to be disorderly
Huggins, Bob: Kansas State Basketball coach and noted Cincinnati window puker
Irvin, Michael: Longest Yard Actor, Crackpipe owner
Jackson, Stephen: Defender of the peace
Jones, Adam "PacMan": Accused drug dealer / party host
Kiel, Terrence: Charger/Codeine salesman
Leinart, Matt: Your new Cardinals QB
Manning, Ricky: Nerd-beating Bear
McKinnie, Bryant: Yet another Love Boat member
McNeal, Reggie: Gets so drunk, he gives Odell Thurman the keys
Newton, Nate: Former Cowboy once busted with 213 pounds of weed
O'Neill, Terry: The guy who had a heart attack at Chupka's when Bettis fumbled against the Colts
Orton, Kyle: Enjoyed his time as a starter while it lasted
Robinson, Koren: Weekly violator of NFL policy
Roethlisberger, Ben: He drinks like a champion
Sauerbeck, Scott: Former Pirate who Hid in the bushes with some woman
Simpson, OJ: Just to ask if he's found the real killer yet
Smith, Onterrio: Spokesman for the Whizzinator
Smoot, Fred: Love Boat Kingpin
Solich, Frank: Ohio U football coach claimed he was slipped GHB
Sutton, Eddie: Oklahoma State hoops coach, blew a .22 and got caught urinating on a school
Thurman, Odell: Frequently asked to walk straight lines
Williams, Moe: ANOTHER Love Boatee
Security will not be necessary, as many of the guests will bring their own weapons, ammunition, and bulletproof vests. We're looking forward to seeing you there.
Note: many thanks to Deadspin for the source of most of these stories

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey, drunken ed belfour offers to bribe a cop in a hotel lobby for $1 billion bucks and he's not even invited?

Anonymous said...

I'm sure he'll crash the party. Every good one has a few of those.

Where's the logo? I miss it already.

Anonymous said...

You Steeler fans make me sick. Go get a life, and have fun watching the playoffs with your 1-15 record.

Anonymous said...

what about Bam Morris? I'd think he surely would been worthy of an invite.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone use names anymore, or is everyone anonymous?

Anonymous said...

great article. I love reading about how people ruin their lives, it cracks me up. I have had a few tiffs here and there, I think we all have been lucky once or twice, but eventually you get a slap on the wrist. As for Pittsburgh's alleged 1-15 season, we were the Super Bowl Champs last year. Maybe some Bingles fans are bitter bout dat, but it was nice to see the Pat's kick their ass. The Lers we'll see them again too in December, and I hope we drive TJ Houchmandickhead ego into the ground!

Anonymous said...

Can't have this party without former Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy. Bring your camera phone.