Big Lead Sports Bar

2/11/2008

Pierogis: Top 10 Most Out of Shape Athletes

In sports today, steroids are the hottest topic going. Jose Canseco’s book, “Juiced”, first shed light on the topic, and a media blitz that started in baseball trickled down to other sports (even golf) shortly afterwards. Even Congress stuck their nose in it. The question I am asking is, "What about the other end of the spectrum?" You know, the fatties. Where is their love? Well, Diego and Snack will show them some this week with their Top 10 most out of shape athletes in sports. Let’s do this…

10. Tony Stewart - Nascar #20

I am not going to lie to you, I don’t know a thing about NASCAR racing, but I didn’t want to exclude the sport because of this. Frankly, I'm surprised that Big Tony can even fit in his racecar. It’s not like you have to be in tip top shape to drive a car around in a circle, but it has to be tight in there with all the extra protection inside the cockpit. I know Italians like to eat, but this guy has had one too many bowls of pasta with meatballs. I do know that Stewart has been known to mix it up with other racers, but he still needs to hit the gym.





9. The Third Option from NES ‘Ice Hockey’

I wanted to include hockey on the list, but it’s hard to find a fat hockey player because most of those guys are in amazing shape. And I figured since this ties in with last week’s top 10, I would use it. Oh, the fat hockey guy. He shoots the puck harder then all the others, and he can knock those skinny pansies around (more cushion for the pushin’). Sure, he may need an oxygen mask in-between shifts, but who cares? Someone test this guy for performance enhancing drugs.

8. Sebastian Janikowski - Oakland Raiders Kicker

Come on now buddy, you have no excuse for being a fatbody...you're a kicker! All you do at practice everyday is stretch your hammies and boot a few field goals, then you’re off joking around with the punter and long snapper for the rest of the day. Maybe you should spend some of that time hitting the weights instead of brokering deals for GHB, getting into bar room brawls, and eating donuts. However, the "Polish Powderkeg" is one of the most powerful kickers in the league. Our guess is some of that power is derived from that massive beer gut of his.

7. Miguel Cabrera - Detroit Tigers Third Baseman

Miguel is one of the youngest and most talented hitters in the game of baseball today. He also holds the Florida Marlins record for most cachapas eaten in a season (OK, I made that one up). Since coming to the league in 2003 at the tender age of 20, he has ballooned up at least 60-70 lbs (depending where you look). Luckily for him he plays third base and there’s not much movement required on the hot corner. Apparently he played shortstop for a time in his pre-major league career, which is highly laughable at this point. How a guy with this type of talent can be so lazy is beyond the grasp of my simple mind. He needs to drop some weight or he'll turn into a DH for the next 15 years because he's too fat to bend over for ground balls.

6. Jared Lorenzen - NY Giants QB

Ah the greatest job in sports, the backup QB. The dude doesn’t get too much burn, but he clearly deserves his position on this list. I wonder, does Pizza Hut deliver to the sideline? I will agree that football is the most common sport to find the big guys, due to the nature of the game, but not at the quarterback position. This signal caller is listed at 6’4”, 285 lbs, but by the looks of his pictures I’m not sure that’s too accurate. At least if the Giants need an emergency O-lineman or fullback Jared could step up and handle business. As for the QB sneak, its kinda hard to be sneaky when you tip the scales at nearly 300 lbs...dude is definitely 325 lbs. at the bare minimum. Due to his fatness, he’s earned the nicknames, "Quarter(got)back", "Hefty Lefty", "The Pillsbury Throwboy", "The Abominable Throwman", "J.Load", "Round Mound of Touchdown", "BBQ (Big Beautiful Quarterback)", "Battleship Lorenzen", and last but not least Butterball. (nicknames courtesy of Wikipedia) .

5. Shaq - Phoenix Suns Center

Shaq used to be the most dominant force in basketball, but now he’s old, he’s fat, and his knees are worn down from carrying around all that excess baggage. Shaq was on my list for this top 10 before his trade was announce earlier this week, but since he’s in the news it makes him deserve the position even more. The Heat recognized that ‘the Diesel’ was past his prime and sent him packing to the West Coast. On the other hand, what are the Suns thinking? It's going to be a lot harder to run and gun when Shaq is trying to drag his big old butt up and down the court for 48 minutes. I don’t see this scenario working out too well, but you never know. Wait, Shaq had that show getting fat kids to lose weight didn’t he? Kind of ironic if you ask me.

4. Ted Washington, Jamal Williams, Shaun Rogers, Casey Hampton… Pretty much any Defensive Tackle in the NFL

You have to be a mountain of a man to play defensive tackle in the NFL. Every year offensive lineman are getting bigger and bigger, and the defensive lineman also must pack on the pounds to catch up. True, I coulda went O-line here as well, but no one really cares about the O-line. They are the unsung heroes of the NFL, but they aren’t getting any love here. You could vote any of the guys mentioned above most likely to be thrown out of an all-you-can-eat buffet, as they are just HUGE human beings. Washington weighs in at 375 lbs, Williams at 350, Rogers 340, and Hampton 325 (all generous weights). All I know is that I feel bad for every toilet in all these guys’ homes. I hope they are reinforced with some type of bionic material. Good thing these guys are rich because their clothes gotta be expensive considering it's all the size of circus tents.


3. George Foreman, John Kruk, and Charles Barkley – Announcers and Ex-Athletes

Introducing the all fat announcing team…not too sure what is fatter here though - their waste lines or their egos. These guys are all former athletes, and Snack and I agreed that they were all fat enough during their careers to make the list. The Round Mound of Rebound has put on the P’s since hanging up the sneaks, and also admittedly gambled away millions of dollars. Hey, George Foreman, go have another kid named George, and grill me hot dogs on your Foreman Grill you obese, obese man.
The only reason John “Nutri-system pays my gambling debt” Kruk puts so much gel in hair is to distract you from him sloppy man boobs. Very sneaky, Kruker. We miss the mullet though, brah.

2. Kyle Orton - Chicago Bears Quarterback

Kyle ‘The Bottle’ Orton as he is so affectionately called is another backup QB. What’s up with these guys? I wish I could throw because backup QB seems to be a job where you can eat junk food, drink booze, and bang hot football groupies… not too bad. Orton is a loose cannon; luckily for him he doesn’t play too much so there’s plenty of time for him to get his drink on. Also, there’s no way Lovie Smith considers him the answer at the QB position. And that Chuck Norris-esque neck beard he is rocking is just plain terrible. So horrible in fact that there’s a whole website dedicated to him getting rid of it. Check out Shave Kyle Orton's Neckbeard.

PS - There are plenty of pics out there showing Orton with his shirt off, and believe me, he is as out of shape as Snack. We just went with a drunkie one caue they're funnier, but make no mistake, he's a fattie.

1. John Daly – Pro Golfer

The chain-smoking, whiskey-swilling, bad-back-having pro golfer is our number one choice for most out of shape athlete. He no longer gets exemptions on tour because of his past ailments and abuses, and now must rely on sponsor exemptions to get into tournaments. The only problem is, once he gets in, he usually has to quit early because of his bum back. And I’m sure the bottle of Jack, prescription of Vicodin and bucket of fried chicken he has for breakfast every morning doesn’t help his cause. We need to get him on some HGH quick, cause if he keeps all this craziness up (definitely caused by being a fat drunk), he very well may be the first person to ever assault someone with a club at a PGA event (ala Happy Gilmore) – or the first person to smoke a carton of cigs during one round of a PGA event…we’re not sure which will come first.

Coach of the All-Fat Team – Mark Mangino

We know he’s a college coach, but honestly, could you think of anyone better then him to coach the squad? He’s about a cheeseburger away from 450 pounds. That's just my guess…he’s gotta be over 400, but alas, they don’t give coaches’ heights and weights like the players do.

Yet Mangino still makes himself look like a member of the Sopranos every time he wears his velour suits. That makes him the man in our book. And he did coach the Kansas Jayhawks to an unexpectedly great season, so maybe he could knock our group of fatties into shape…

Well, there's our list, and like always, I'm sure you've all got your favorite fatties too, so feel free to post them in the comments. And don't forget to check out Pierogi's N'at for Snack and Diego's take on everything sports.

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18 comments:

Big Snack said...

One more person I didn't mention that we definitely wanted to was the announcer of our All-Fat team, and that is most obviously, Pitt's very own Tony Saragusa...

No one other then "the Goose" could possibly do this team justice, although our boy Boomer Berman on ESPN has gotten bigger as the days go on, as has Hammerin' Hank Goldberg, who isn't exactly a lightweight...

But Saragusa's mix of fatness and drunkeness (along with being a complete slob) makes him the best choice. Plus, he's a local, and I swear, a few years back, I saw him drinking a beer while reporting from the sideline of the Pro Bowl...

He's an inspiration to fat drunks (like me) everywhere...

Rob said...

I don't think he's a current player, but no Jimmy Anderson? I thought for sure this would be a good excuse to break out that picture.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

NASCAR driver's aren't athletes. I mean, you can be out of shape if all you're doing is driving around for a four hours a week.

I question even calling golfers athletes. I HATE watching golf, but John Daly is the shit though.


Mangino and Kyle Orton are two guys I wish were involved in Pittsburgh sports just based on their fatness/drunkenness alone.

exiledyinzer said...

I don't agree with #4. The D lineman in the NFL run 5 sec and some sub-5 sec 40's. Hot Dog Zanzabar might be able to drink a 40 in under 5 minutes...but I digress. They don't look like much, but lineman in the NFL are better athletes than any of us could hope to be.

Big Snack said...

We agree with ya, exiledyinzer, that the D-Linemen are athletes...but they're still (as in Ted Washington, Big Hamp, Saragusa, Gilbert Brown, Sam Adams...the list could go on) fat as hell...

We know you have to be large and strong to play in the NFL, but some of these guys take it to another level, and believe me, I know - I was once a 350 pound HIGH SCHOOL noseguard at Central Catholic...

They're the biggest of big, but we don't intend it as a knock on their athletic abilities...just on their tendencey to eat an entire cow for lunch.

And PS - I'll take Hotdog down in a 40 oz contest any day...Big Snack is a veteran of the fraternity circuit at one of America's finest drinking schools, the University of Dayton. My guess is I could take a 40 down in less then 2 mins, maybe 1 if I was already warmed up a little.

Maybe we should sponsor a Mondesi's House case or keg race...now there's an idea...lol

tha friendly stranger said...

I challenege hotdogzanzabar to a 40 drinking contest

exiledyinzer said...

Sorry for getting you into this H-D-Z. Idea....quarter barrel race KE style Pitt fans vs. Penn State fans. Name a time and place.

Big Snack said...

I like it exiledyinzer...but if we're gonna do this we should go all out - get ESPN Radio to cover it, have a deadspin live blog, the works...

We could have it somewhere down the South Side and get sponsors and the like...all the money could go to charity or into the site or something like that...

Hell, we could have a Beer Olympics with a Mondesi's Team against other teams (Me, Diego, HDZ, and I'd imagine at least 1 or 2 others on the site can hold their own)...

I'll sacrifice my liver for the good of the kids...hahaha

The Duke from Dukes Court said...

Prince Fielder?
Ralph Friedgen?

tha friendly stranger said...

Don't sing it bring it!

Dukes prince is a good 1 your right

Jason said...

Where is Andy "Cheesesteak" Reid?

jesuitHOOPS said...

Take a look at the US Shot Putter Reese Hoffa and then tell me who's out of shape.

Steve said...

Kyloe Orton looks like Hans Gruber from Die Hard.

swhipkey said...

NASCAR drivers are not athletes.

sportshead said...

What about Rick Majerus?

Designated Hitter said...

For fattest coach, you guys definately missing Ralph Friedgen from Maryland

CJ33076 said...

What about David "Krispy Kreme" Wells

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