I've thrown out a challenge to the followers of every other NFL out there: tell us why your team will be better than the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2007. Plenty of eager writers are lined up to tell you exactly why they think they'll be superior to the black and gold.
The season is kicking off on Thursday, so I'm getting in the last of these excellent essays. Today's subject is the Miami Dolphins, and the author is Chris Joseph of Fins Nation, the greatest Dolphins blog in the universe.
The Dolphins are an interesting team. They've been the butt of many jokes around NFL followers in recent years, be it because of Cheech Williams, The Great Daunte Culpepper Experiment, The Great Nick Saban Experiment, and the current head coach of your Pitt Panthers. This year, it's supposed to be different. They have a new coach, a new/old quarterback, and a banged-up linebacker who spent his offseason sparring Bengals in Vegas casinos. Will they be better than the Steelers? I don't think so. But I'll now turn it over to Chris and he can tell you why they will.
Why the Dolphins Will Be Better Than the Steelers in 2007
by Chris Joseph
When Mondesi's House sent out the challenge to write about why I think my Miami Dolphins will be better than the Pittsburgh Steelers this season, I was reticent and tentative about the whole thing. How was I going to convince myself - or anyone else for that matter - that the Dolphins would be better than a team two years removed from a Super Bowl title? How could I make such an argument when the Steelers outweighed the Dolphins in that one major category? I couldn’t. So I resolved to withdraw my contribution bitter and defeated. Then Steely McBeam happened. And suddenly, balance in the Universe was restored.
God that Steely McBeam is gay. I know our mascot isn’t much to look at. He’s a fish with a hole in his head and he’s pissed off about something. But he’s not gay. And he resides in South Beach.
So where to begin? It’s tough, really. Comparing these two teams is like comparing Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. Both have very little talent to speak of and both suck hard and often. So it looks like it’ll have to come down to their Week 12 match up on November 26. Until then, we have to break things down the way those football geniuses like Sean Salisbury and Jesse Palmer do on ESPN.
First off, some fun facts about the city of Pittsburgh for those who are not from the ‘Burgh (I had to visit the ‘Burgh once on business and I quit that job as soon as I got back because what kind of a heartless dick sends someone to Pittsburgh pretty much against their will?).
Fact number one: Mullets. Mullets everywhere.
Fact number two: Pretty much everyone there wears sweatpants on a day-to-day basis. I think it’s a law or some kind of city ordinance. They tuck their shirts into their sweatpants and their sweatpants into their socks. I had always wondered why in the world places like Rite Aid sold Brand-X vodka and sweatpants in the same aisle. I went to Pittsburgh, mystery solved.
Fact number three: It’s the only city in America that still calls soda ‘Pop.’
Fact number four: The locals are called Yinzers, which is a variant of "you ones" or "you all." As in, "Hey Yinzers, tuck them sweatpants into your socks and let’s head over to Rite Aid for some vodka and pop!"
Fact number five: Pittsburgh was once occupied by the French and was originally called Ft. Duquesne, which sounds like Ft. Douche. So that should tell you all you need to know.
Now, on to the football portion of our analysis.
Team staffs: The Dolphins staff works hard, does their homework and scouts every player with intricate detail. Then they draft a special-teams guy with a bad foot over a future franchise quarterback. The Steelers staff sit around and e-mail internet porn to each other all day. Edge: Steelers.
The running backs: Willie Parker and Ronnie Brown are both talented backs with a ton of upside. Brown’s backup is Jesse Chatman, who couldn’t find a job in 2006 because he confused the China King Buffet with the Chargers training facility, for the entire pre-season. Parker’s backup is Najeh Davenport, who’ll drop a deuce into a dude’s laundry basket without warning. Edge: Mmm..Let’s call it even.
The quarterbacks: This one’s tough. You’ve got two signal-callers coming off bad years which were pretty much caused by head trauma. Ben Roethlisberger suffered a motorcycle accident in which the last thing he saw before he blacked out was a car windshield and then the pavement. Trent Green suffered a severe concussion in which the last thing he saw before he blacked out was Robert Geathers and then his own ass. Edge: I’ll give it to Big Ben and the Steelers. Because breaking your nose and losing your teeth is one thing. But when you find yourself face-to-face with your own ass, that’s bad.
The offensive line: The Steelers have Alan Faneca, who is upset about his contract situation and is going to smash s*** up in Art Rooney’s office. The Dolphins have a guy named Rex and another guy who lost the starting job because he likes to hit the donuts and mayonnaise a little too hard. Edge goes to the Steelers.
New head coaches: The Steelers have Mike Tomlin, who replaced The Chin. The Dolphins have Cam Cameron, who replaced The Asshole. Cameron is a guy who loves families, helped LaDainian Tomlinson have a record breaking season, cries when he talks about Drew Brees and is regarded as an offensive guru. Tomlin looks like a middle school P.E. teacher. That’s all we know about him. Edge: Dolphins
Logos: The Dolphins have the aforementioned pissed off porpoise. The Steelers have the most boring logo ever conceived. It’s a circle that has ‘Steelers’ written in it. Clever Yinzers. It’s one step above the Cleveland Browns. And what is that inside the circle? Twinkling stars? Glitter? Jesus, this team is getting gayer by the minute. Edge: Dolphins.
Joey Porter: He used to be a Steeler. He helped the Steelers win the Super Bowl. He once kissed Bill Cowher on the lips. He’s a player everyone despises and abhors. He’s "that classless jagoff Porter." Until he’s on your team. Then he’s J-Peezey! And now he’s our J-Peezey. And he’s pissed he didn’t get offered the big contract extension from Ft. Douche. November 26th will be a day of reckoning for the Steelers. Because, as you know, Joey Porter is in the ass-kicking business. And business is good. Edge: Dolphins. In fact, the Joey Porter factor is worth a point and a half, really.
Final tally: Steelers 3 - Dolphins 3.5
So there you go. The Dolphins edge out the Steelers because a.) not gay and b.) Joey Porter.
However -- all brilliant analysis and insight aside -- in the end, both teams will ultimately suck in 2007. Both teams will miss the playoffs. The Steelers have to deal with the Ravens and Bengals while the Dolphins have to deal with the Patriots and Jets.
So, while this argument will really be settled on November 26, it really doesn’t matter. Because that Week 12 match up will be all about two sucky teams facing off in the ultimate battle to decide who sucks the least. It’ll be a night of brain damaged quarterbacks and crappy mascots. Good times indeed.
So good luck Yinzers. Tuck in those sweatpants, crack open a bottle of pop and curl up in front of the TV with your Steely McBeam plush doll.
Because in the end, no matter who wins, we all lose.