Big Lead Sports Bar

8/06/2007

Why The St. Louis Rams Will Be Better Than the Steelers in 2007

I've thrown out a challenge to the followers of every other NFL out there: tell us why your team will be better than the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2007. And plenty of eager writers are lined up to tell you exactly why they will be superior to the Black and Gold. In the coming weeks, be prepared to get a gauge on exactly where the rest of the country ranks us in the NFL hierarchy this season.
Today's author is Brett Knight of the St. Louis Rams blog RAMblings. He puts down Pittsburgh in a number of various areas, forgetting that this is the town where the Rams' very own QB grew up. But I digress...this is about his writing, not mine. So now, I turn it over to Brett. Enjoy, and be sure to visit his site as well.


Pittsburgh, You’ll Always Have [Blank]:

If you can ever find something to fill in that blank, you better go for it while you can, because it sure as hell ain’t football.

An Informative Essay by Brett Knight

Since the dawn of time, there has been one team of destiny, one squad for the ages, one group divinely chosen to be God’s gift to man on Earth. That team, my friends, is the St. Louis Rams.
Never has a team displayed such style and grace on the gridiron. As we count down the seconds until the Dec. 20 match-up that pits the rumbling Rams against the sissy Steelers – 11,852,158 of them left at the time of this writing – it’s important that we examine the 10 reasons why in this bout, David will have no chance against the Goliath that is the Rams offense.

1. Conditioning Program: While the Steelers have produced such luminaries as “Mean” Joe Green and Jack Lambert and have generally been known for their hard-nosed style of play, the Rams play in the nation’s epicenter of crime, St. Louis. Nothing will toughen you up like the fear of being mugged on your way to the stadium. And hey, even Lambert retired after a toe injury.

Score: Rams 1, Steelers 0

2. Turbo Fuel Injector: St. Louis is home to such culinary creations as toasted ravioli, St. Louis-style thin crust pizza (mmm, delicious...) and the ice cream cone. By contrast, what does Pittsburgh have to offer? Not even the base cheesesteak of its cross-state rival, Philly. With cuisine like that, it’s no wonder that St. Louis is also the obesity capital of the country. That bodes well for beefing up the offensive line. Eat up, boys.

Score: Rams 2, Steelers 0

3. Gameplanning: Pittsburgh is often called “The City of Bridges” or “The Bridge Capital.” With all that engineering going on, you’d think they’d pretty much have a monopoly on the semicircular shape, one of the strongest in physics. But wait, what’s that you say? The Arch? And that’s in St. Louis, right? Oh, snap, Pittsburgh – you’ve been beaten at your own game. And that doesn’t even take into account that St. Louis is a city in “The Cave State.” Watch your step, Steelers fans.

Score: Rams 3, Steelers 0

4. Top-Dogginess: The St. Louis metro area has always been a regional powerhouse, dating back to its days as a state capital. The closest substitute is Kansas City, which is about the same as saying that bologna is a good alternative to steak. Pittsburgh, on the other hand, has always been Pennsylvania’s red-haired stepchild. Would our forefathers have entrusted the Liberty Bell to Pittsburgh? I think not. And on top of that, Pittsburgh is only the second largest city in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Last I checked, these were the 50 United States of America. By the transitive property, Pittsburgh is second in a state that doesn’t even exist.

Score: Rams 4, Steelers 0

5. National Relevance: Pittsburgh is one of the most commonly misspelled cities in the country. Turns out I’m not the only one that doesn’t care about “The ‘Burgh.”

Score: Rams 5, Steelers 0

6. Deus Ex Machina: The ram is one of the oldest symbols in existence, even making its way into the Bible. Meanwhile, steel production didn’t begin in Pittsburgh until 1875! Which do you think the spirits look more kindly upon: the mighty ram or robber barons? I’d put my money on the Rams battering (get it?) the Steelers.

Score: Rams 6, Steelers 0

7. Dense Dogma: The Steelers’ largest tradition is that of the Terrible Towel, which dates back over 30 years. Waving dishtowels around? That’s intimidating? By that logic, I should be petrified of my grandmother. Works well in theory, I guess.

Score: Rams 7, Steelers 0

8. The Name Game: Those associated with the Rams have names like: Hugo Bezdek, Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch, Deacon Jones, Merlin Olsen, Hamp Pool, Kay-Jay Harris and Georgia “The Final” Frontiere. Oh, and there are Pisa Tinoisamoa and Oshiomogho Atogwe, too. Shakespeare couldn’t come up with this stuff.

Score: Rams 8, Steelers 0

9. Kicking Off: The Rams are innovators. They were the first with a logo on their helmets, they were employers of visionary Pete Rozelle, they were “The Greatest Show on Turf.” The Steelers refuse to even change their uniform design. A team in a city that still celebrates polka music can’t be too great.

Score: Rams 9, Steelers 0

10. Probability Rules: The Steelers have won five Super Bowls, while the Rams have won only one. The Rams’ luck is bound to change soon, and what time is better than now?

Score: Rams 10, Steelers 0

Pittsburgh has been the home of movies like “The Silence of the Lambs,” “Dawn of the Dead” and “Night of the Living Dead.” After writing this column, I now know why people have enjoyed killing Pittsburghers again and again.

If we count each point above as a touchdown in the December game (a modest estimate, by any account), then the Rams should win by a score of 70-0. Can’t argue with the math.

27 comments:

MCA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kyle Smith said...

That was awesome. Self-depricating yet still taking shots at the Burgh. Wonderful stuff.

MCA's opinion should probably count more than mine, however, as his blog, which consists of two whole entries, displays writing far beyond what anyone here could do.

Adam said...

Wow.

That was horrible.

I will debunk/question each point/

#1 OOOOOOOOOK. This has to do with football how?

#2 Primanti's sandwiches.

#3 Well, why don't I beat you at yours? LEWIS AND CLARK LEFT FROM PITTSBURGH NOT ST. LOUIS!!!! there.

#4 Count the championships bitch.

#5 Hmmm....looks to me like the Steelers are on in prime time 5 TIMES!!!!! the Rams? once....and o yea, thats against the PITTSBURGH Steelers.

#6 No comment

#7 And what is YOUR tradition? Obviously we're doing something right. Kiss the rigs.

#8 Yea, we don't waste time coming up with stupid nicknames. Kiss the rings.

#9 Kiss the rings

#10 Kiss the rings.

You didn't make a lick of football sense my friend.

HotDog_Zanzabar said...

Adam, I think the whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. No need to get defensive as I found this hysterical. I'mm looking forward to more of these coming in.

Free Pacman said...

This reminds me: whatever happened to Reader Submission Mondays?

TJ said...

Ahhh lay off Adam...while obviously not too swift on the uptake in regards to the sarcasm, at least we weren't subjected to his pontificating on all things Penn St/Pitt/Big East/Big Ten/JoePa. It's a step in the right direction.

Jack said...

Did he really go back and pull out a Merlin Olsen reference? From Little House on the Prarie?

That would be like Mondesi throwing Mr. McFeely into the mix. You can't beat Speedy Delivery!

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

Hey, he went the humor route!

Good choice there!

Leave it to Adam to get all defensive about it though.

Oh well, at least with these articles Adam's annoying other people besides us.

AJ said...

I thought the Cardinals played in St. Louis? Or did they get an expansion team?

FYI - Minus 2 points for writing a Rams column and failing to mention either Flipper Anderson or Kurt Warner's wife's horrible taste in sweaters.

I won't even mention the Jerome Bettis trade.

HotDog_Zanzabar said...

...or Kurt Warner's wife's hair

Brett said...

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I guess satire is an art left for the select few. Thanks for reading!

DrObviousSo said...

I appreciate the satire. It was good. However, I have to take umbrage at the name thing. I'll quote from the old Steelers Preview at Deadspin from last year:
48. We may not always have a great team, but we always have some fantastic names. Alvoid Mays, Bam Morris, Boo Bell, Bubby Brister, Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, Kimo von Oelhoffen, Louis Lipps, Shayne Edge, Tunch Ilkin and Weegie Thompson. The Steelers have never let me down in this category.
Tell us honestly, how long did it take you to figure out Fuamatu-Ma'afala? Less than an hour? You've probably got it wrong then.

Russell Lucas said...

Here's something in the Rams' favor: they slathered on that trendy Vegas gold before Our Awesome Local Hockey Team did.

MCA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

Vegas Gold sucks.


And the Saints beat everyone to it.

And didn't Pitt beat the Penguins to it?

Roy Hobbs said...

Absolutely hilarious. Well done, and please come back the week before the game and deposit more of your enlightened musings.

TheStarterWife said...

A team in a city that still celebrates polka music can’t be too great.

Really, I cannot argue against this point.

Good show!

Brad said...

Well done all around, but on the culinary samplings in Missouri, Kansas City barbeque smokes anything the City with the Arch has to offer. Anyone out there willing to start a Royals-Buccos pillowfight?

vinnie said...

What, no mention of how the Rams ingeniously managed to sucker the Steelers into trading for their excess baggage of a running back enabling them to make the brilliant choice of drafting Lawrence Phillips with the sixth overall pick in the '96 draft?

vinnie said...

(For those not up to speed, that excess baggage of a running back later came to be known as "The Bus").

Steeltown Mike said...

It's kinda weird seeing sarcasm about a sports team other than my own here on Mondesi's House.

I guess I hadn't woken all the way up yet.

I almost think the Rams WILL win the game because Pittsburgh plays just 4 days prior, against the very physical Jaguars, before having to TRAVEL.

Sheesh.

(Well done on the article)

Jay said...

The Arch? And that’s in St. Louis, right? Oh, snap, Pittsburgh – you’ve been beaten at your own game.

and where do you suppose the steel to build that monstrosity came from? you'd better be careful or we'll come take it back.

gyesipan said...
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gyesipan said...
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Brian said...

I enjoy reading these articles, but as they're quite long they clog up much of the front page. I think Raul should only print the first paragraph or so on the main page, then have the rest of the article visible once the reader clicks on the entry's title. The current style makes it hard to browse through the articles. Just my opinion.

Ricarus said...

Good list.. Fits in perfectly here!!!

I second the Primanti's sandwich counter-offer...washed down with an ice cold Ahrn City!!

Cecil from Cecil Twp. said...

This is ridiculous. I can't believe that 26 people actually read this guy's post, let alone commented on it.

Seriously, unless this guy's come here to tell us that the Rams would have won Super Bowl XIV if it weren't for Nolan Cromwell getting caught looking in the backfield on two occassion, just STFU.

No one cares about the Rams.

Not even in St. Louis.