Big Lead Sports Bar

1/29/2007

41 More Things I Hate About Sports

Remember the column 55 Things I Hate About Sports? Well I'm back. And I'm angry. Again. So here are more things I hate about sports (in no particular order). We pick up where we left off, at #56:
56. Cincinnati Bengal Arrest Jokes. Ok, 9 Bengals have been arrested. If each blogger made an average of 3 jokes about each arrest, and there are a million sports blogs (totally a guess), that's approximately 27 million Bengal Arrest Jokes. I think that's about the threshold where something is no longer funny. And I am by no means a Bengal apologist, but there comes a time when a joke is played out. Consider them retired on Mondesi's House.
57. Mock NFL Drafts. Yo, morons (I mean...experts), the Steelers aren't drafting a running back in the first round. What part of 1,494 yards rushing and 17 TDs in Willie Parker's 2006 season did not impress you?
58. Bob Smizik Columns. Bob says that Pittsburgh doesn't need the Penguins. No, Pittsburgh doesn't need another columnist past his prime that speaks more to the Senior Discount generation than to the generation moving out of the area in droves. Ever wonder why there are so many Steeler fans across the country? Because so many people born in Pittsburgh move away!
59. The Anti-Sidney Crosby Faction. Recently, Brett Hull stated that Nicklas Lidstrom was the best player in the NHL. This was on the same day that Crosby scored a goal while falling backwards in Phoenix. There's a word for these people: haters.
60. Singling out Nick Saban as a bad guy. Nick Saban did what nearly every other coach in the country would do. His mistake was botching the way he handled it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Ben Howland under contract at Pitt when he jumped to UCLA? Didn't he make a commitment to a team full of young Panther recruits to be their coach? How about Roy Williams and Kansas? Or nearly EVERY OTHER COLLEGE COACH.
61. Candid pictures of Chris Berman. If I see this guy in another Hawaiian shirt surrounded by what I presume to be strippers, I may lose my lunch.
62. Michael Vick- Great, he was exonerated of the marijuana-in-the-ariport charges. So explain why he had a bottle with a secret compartment in it? And if he was innocent, why not surrender the bottle? Don't forget, this is the same guy that uses an alias, the same guy who is the brother of one Marcus Vick, who is no choir boy. Is this really the guy that family-friendly Arthur Blank wants as the face of his underachieving franchise?
63. Reactions to anything uttered by Skip Bayless. Save yourself some frustration and just avoid any program Bayless is on. But if skipping Cold Pizza is too much to ask, at least don't get whipped up into a frenzy about what Bayless says. He's a fake, a phony, an actor. He only says what he says to get a rise out of whoever has the unlucky draw of verbally dueling with him on any given day.
64. Criminals not only walking the streets, but being celebrated in the process. Tank Johnson...Stephen Jackson...PacMan Jones...need I go on?
65. "Firecoach.com" websites. No other trend epitomizes the obnoxious, impatient fan more than the firecoach.com websites. For all the loyal Penn State fans who visit Mondesi's House, I ask, Are you proud of www.firejoepaterno.com? And by the way, some "enterprising" person has already purchased www.firemiketomlin.com. Sicko.
66. Interviews with athletes. 99 times out of 100, they have nothing interesting to say. Why? Because they'll either offend an entire group of people and have to apologize (John Rocker), offend a teammate (Jack Wilson), or offer something posted on the opposing team's bulletin board (Joey Porter) and be hung out to dry by nerds like myself for said dumb comments.
Most take the cliche path, for the reasons that A) they want to get away from the interviewee ASAP...B) they don't want to blow any endorsements (see Jordan, Michael and Woods, Tiger)..and C) they could care less.
67. The Boston Red Sox. For years and years, they cried about an uneven financial playing field with the Yankees. They then proceed to dish out money quicker than you can say "Daniel Snyder" to inconsistent malcontents like J.D. Drew, risky foreign commodities (Matsuzaka) and the attempted acquisition of Colorado Rocky Todd Helton, who has a mere $90 million left on his contract. And they play in the same professional league as a city who practically throws a parade for the arrival of Adam LaRoche. Just doesn't seem right.
68. The entire NHL All Star experience. Calling this a train wreck would be insulting to train wrecks. The game itself was watched by less than half a million households, much less than the 37 million who tuned in for the latest installment of a certain amateur singing competition. And don't get me started on that "skills competition"...
69. Referring to a coach as a genius. A football coach is not a genius. Is he great at strategizing for a game? Yes, possibly. But genius is a word reserved for those helping the common good. Maybe I'm just missing the effect that Bill Belichick has had on society as a whole.
70. Terrell Owens. At this point, stories about Owens feel just plain manufactured. I could care less what he thought about the end of the Parcells Era. Owens isn't playing for Parcells next year, and Parcells isn't coaching Owens. It's a moot point. Is it really worthy of the first or second-story status on SportsCenter?
71. The Dan Patrick Show. Want to discuss steroids and the Hall of Fame on a daily basis? Then this is the show for you. And at 2:00, you get the extra bonus of Keith Olbermann's vast knowledge at no extra charge. Here's a fun game: count how many times Dan starts a sentence with, "I've got a problem with..."
72. Tiki Barber. Arrogant guy who puts down his fellow football players every time he opens his mouth and reminds us how great he is. Because he's not an average football player. Did I mention how great Tiki is? Seriously, he's great.
73. Bill Belichick. The guy is like the NFL version of Angelina Jolie: a homewrecker.
74. Boomer Esiason always ripping on Dan Marino for not winning a Super Bowl. Did I just awake from a coma and miss all the Super Bowls Boomer won?
75. Shannon Sharpe "reading" highlights. Seriously, how is this guy on television? No, seriously, if someone knows, send me an email.
76. Fans that wear seriously outdated jerseys to sporting events. Barry Foster? Bubby Brister? You're better off not wearing a jersey at all.
77. Saying new Steeler coach Mike Tomlin won't hear racist remarks "as long as he wins". Really make you proud to be a Pittsburgher.
78. The myth that the NBA is a "thug league", but the NFL is not. Carmelo slaps like a girl, gets suspended for 15 games, and the NBA is a thug league. Tank Johnson has six unregistered guns and a dead bodyguard, and he's playing in the Super Bowl. Draw your own conclusion.
79. Mike and Mike in the Morning. First they were on the radio. Then they added a simulcast on ESPN2. Then it was announced that they would announce Arena Football. But how about this: Alka Seltzer is having a contest, and the grand prize is spending a day with Golic. Can you imagine winning a big, national contest only to have that as the grand prize? The thought makes me want an Alka Seltzer, as a matter of fact.
80. Perceived NBA superstars who aren't really that good. I know most of you could care less about the NBA, but let me vent for a moment:
81. Stephon Marbury, New York
Career: 20 points/3 rebounds/8 assists per game
Resume: Already traded four times; member of 2004 Olympic team meltdown squad; won nothing in Minnesota while teamed with Kevin Garnett; centerpiece of a 2006 Knicks squad that went 23-59; has never won a playoff series in 10 years. But he is the face of a $15 shoe campaign. So he's not all bad.
82. Vince Carter, New Jersey
Career: 24/5/4
Resume: While with Toronto, told opponents the play that was going to be run; purposely tanked in Toronto, averaging 15 points per game, then dropping 27 per game for the Nets; was the primary reason for the firing of coach Butch Carter with the Raptors
83. Tracy McGrady, Houston
Career: 22/6/4
Resume: Demanded out of Toronto because he didn't want to share the spotlight with Vince Carter; signed with Orlando where he later demanded out because they did not win enough; has never won a playoff series in 9 seasons; never won anything in college, because he didn't go.
84. Kevin Garnett, Minnesota
Career: 20/11/5
Resume: Nine-time All-Star has advanced past the first round of the playoffs one time (2004), the year Sam Cassell rode shotgun; does he really make his teammates better? Look at Garnett and look at Kobe, who has marginally better talent, and tell me who the real superstar is.
85. Shareef Abdur Rahim, Sacramento
Career: 19/8/3
Resume: Bailed on Cal Bears after one season; rewarded with stints to basketball Siberias Vancouver and Atlanta; one playoff appearance in 10 seasons; despite being regarded as one of the better players in the NBA, has been named to just one all-star team
86. Steve Francis, New York
Career: 19/6/6
Resume: Has never won a playoff series in seven seasons; drafted by Vancouver but pulled an Eli Manning and refused to report; unable to alter his selfish play in order to work with Yao Ming; rocked the boat with Orlando management after they traded buddy Cuttino Mobley in his first season there.
87. Hearing about the 1985 Bears every time they have a decent team. Yeah, we know....they were the greatest team in any sport in any year in the history of mankind. So tell me why that group of players won a grand total of one Super Bowl?
88. Shawne Merriman. First he got busted for steroids. Then he does a simulated convulsion after he sacks a quarterback. Then he sends Jason Taylor a t-shirt, hat, and bag of popcorn to "watch him in the playoffs", since Taylor had the nerve to say that Merriman should not win the Defensive Player of the Year because of his suspension. I'll bet Taylor enjoyed that popcorn while watching your one-and-done in the tournament this year, big guy.
89. Mitch Mustain. The much-hyped QB stands for everything wrong with college football. If you've never heard of him, I suggest you start at this article and go from there. You may want to keep a barf bag nearby.
90. Jimmy Clausen. The Notre Dame recruit threatens to upstage Mustain as the most arrogant, smug QB of the 2007 season. I enjoyed how his father complained about Jimmy getting too much attention. This comes from a family that held Clausen's college announcement at the College Football Hall of Fame. And don't forget to check out his photo gallery, complete with speedo shot.
91. LeSean McCoy's nickname. I'm just not high on the nickname of "Shady". I'm hoping it's just a playful ode to Eminem and not any sort of statement on McCoy's character.
92. Bill Simmons. As much as I've enjoyed his work in the past, he's just not evolving as a sportswriter. Is it necessary to relate every NBA story to the Lakers-Celtics rivalry of the 80s? Can he update his cultural references a bit beyond Karate Kid and the Real World? And do we need an archive of The Sports Gal?
93. Reggie Bush. He's probably going to get USC in some hot water for his parents' free house, and that taunt of the entire Bears' defense was a classless act. He's not on my good side.
94. Super Bowl Entertainment. This year we get Billy Joel and Prince. You stay cutting edge, NFL.
95. Sean Salisbury. He was always hard to take seriously. But when he's calling out a guy like Terrell Owens for misconduct, don't you just crack up? You'll have that after sending pictures of your Johnson to your co-workers.
96. Bloggers who continue to post their hate-filled ramblings. As if anyone cares.
As always, feel free to post your own pet peeves about sports and "add to the list"...

15 comments:

Cory said...

Re: 76. Fans that wear seriously outdated jerseys to sporting events.

Do "fans that wear seriously outdated jerseys two sizes too small to sporting events" fall into the same category?

Pittsburgh Lumber Co.

muzz said...

operating in the vigor of mediocrity, dan patrick is a good example of the peter principle in reverse...
he keeps getting worse and his ratings go up.
employing the 'hey, i'm one of the guys' jock sniffing technique, the show really hits on all 2 cylinders when dan is joined by the chronically unfunny keith ohlberman . together they are prove that smugness combined with believing oneself to be humorous can lead to a finer appreciation of a six minute commercial break.

don't you love it when dan becomes egomaniacally extemparaneous and tries to take a second grade topic all the way to grad school?
dan: now michael jordan, he may not have the biggest dick in the world, he may not have the second biggest, it may not be the widest, it may not be the longest, it may be longer than charles barkley or reggie miller,s. and on and on...
don't listen then? i got no choice .

EDDEsq said...

I have to disagree regarding Tiki Barber. He's one of the classiest players in the NFL, he doesn't trash talk, and unlike many professional athletes, he can actually put together a comprehensible string of words into what's known as a "sentence," to the point of eloquence. Since when is it looked on unfavorably to call out Plaxico Burress for half-assing it as he does on nearly every play? I don't recall Tiki ever saying "how great he is," either. On the contrary, he strikes me as pretty humble given his status.

Sam said...

I mostly agree with your list of NBA players, but I gotta say your timing turned out to be a bit unfortunate (re: Kevin Garnett)

44 and 11 last night... against Phoenix... which ended the Suns' 17 game streak

Cecil from Cecil Twp. said...

I cannot stand Bill Simmons. When he first arrived on the scene in 2001, his act was fresh and different. However, as you point out, Mondesi, you can only write about all things Boston and Karate Kid so many times. Eventually, people stop caring. Not that I'd expect ESPN to understand this.

Damn, Jimmy Claussen is one ugly dude.

bkrasman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bkrasman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bkrasman said...

Bob Smizik never ever said the city doesn't need the Pens. Not what he said. Instead, he said if the Pens left town, the city wouldn't become second rate (like some media hacks like to insinuate simply because they have an agenda). And it would not. The NHL, I'm sad to say, isn't a major league anymore (seriously, the All-Star game errors, the friggin' Versus contract, the awful ratings). If the NFL or MLB left, that would be a major blow. If the NHL left, while I personally would hate it, it wouldn't do this place in. It won't be the end of the world. It will suck for those of us who love hockey and the Pens, but Pittsburgh won't become Syracuse. I mean, seriously. That was Smizik's point.

Yes, Dan Patrick is amazingly awful. He interviewed Cowher and not once did he ask a thing about his thoughts on his replacement Mike Tomlin. What responsible, quality journalist doesn't ask that? No, but he asks about him taking piano lessons.

tbart213 said...

First, I sense some hidden Steel City Auction soon to be bonanza of fresh new jerseys....just kidding.

Second, you can criticize the media for piling on the Bengals arrest jokes, but the fact that a Bengal even owns a backpack with a Super Bowl logo practically requires a joke. Illegal drugs or not. Who cares. It's the Bengals and the Super Bowl logo. the only thing that would be funnier is if Boomer made the joke. (ps-I only bet on one SB in my life and Boomer and co. covered to win me $400).

lastly, Amen to the Simmons comments.

Adam said...

firejoepaterno.com is a disgrace to Penn State. All I have say to people like that, who think hes too old, is turn on the damn TV and watch what the rest of us have been enjoying for 2 years instead of obsessing over his demise. Jagoffs.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

I got beef with the old jersey one!

I mean, I can go to the mall, and buy a throwback for as much as $250 OR I can just bust out that Greg Lloyd jersey that's still in decent shape that I've had since I was 13 for free!!!

What I'm saying is, old jerseys have character and deserve to be worn from time to time... unless it really is too small.

I have a Jagr jersey (the one with "Pittsburgh" diagonally across the front) that I STILL wear occasionally.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

Oh and also, I agree on the Tomlin thing.

It really pisses me off that Pittsburgh, which is above the Mason-Dixon line, somehow remains trapped in 1945 when it comes to race relations. Methinks it might have something to do with all the old people still hanging around the place.

Listen, he's our coach and he happens to be black, it's REALLY no big thing! It's 2007 for Christ sakes!!!

save the steagles said...

There was a Page 2 column a while back that suggested new coaches should buy up fire(insert you name).com as soon as you're hired so no crazed fans can actually make the site. I thought it was a great idea, who knows maybe it was Tomlin just wanting to beat the idiots to the punch.

Cecil from Cecil Twp. said...

Lou Lipps...agreed on the jersey stuff. In fact, I have a white #83 Steelers jersey from 1990. It's too small for me, but I force it upon one of my buddies from time to time. I also have an authentic Pens Zubov #56 jersey. I got it at Dunham's in West Mifflin 2 yrs after he left the Pens. Got it at a deep, deep discount, of course.

tbart213 said...

I've got a really cool Andy Bathgate Pens jersey/sweater that my wife immediately stole. Does it count as old if he was etired for about a half century before i even bought it?